Quotes and Jokes (1 Viewer)
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RabidAlien
1st Lieutenant
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- #1,224
An old southern country preacher from Georgia had a teenage son named David and it was getting time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession.
Like many young men, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem too concerned about it.
One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table four objects:
- a Bible,
- a silver dollar,
- a bottle of whisky and
- a Playboy magazine
I'll just hide behind the door," the old preacher said to himself, "and when he comes home from school this afternoon, I'll see which object he picks up.
If it's the Bible, he's going to be a preacher like me, and what a blessing that would be!
If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a businessman, and that would be OK.
But if picks up the bottle, he's going to be a no-good drunkard, and, Lord, that a shame that would be.
And worst of all, if he picks up that magazine he's gonna be a skirt-chasin' bum."
The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's footsteps as he entered the house whistling and headed for his room. The boy tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room he spotted the objects on the table. With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them.
Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm. He picked up the silver dollar and dropped it into his pocket. He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink while he admired this month's Centerfold.
"Lord have mercy," the old preacher disgustedly whispered, "he's gonna be a helicopter pilot!"
Like many young men, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem too concerned about it.
One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table four objects:
- a Bible,
- a silver dollar,
- a bottle of whisky and
- a Playboy magazine
I'll just hide behind the door," the old preacher said to himself, "and when he comes home from school this afternoon, I'll see which object he picks up.
If it's the Bible, he's going to be a preacher like me, and what a blessing that would be!
If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a businessman, and that would be OK.
But if picks up the bottle, he's going to be a no-good drunkard, and, Lord, that a shame that would be.
And worst of all, if he picks up that magazine he's gonna be a skirt-chasin' bum."
The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's footsteps as he entered the house whistling and headed for his room. The boy tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room he spotted the objects on the table. With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them.
Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm. He picked up the silver dollar and dropped it into his pocket. He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink while he admired this month's Centerfold.
"Lord have mercy," the old preacher disgustedly whispered, "he's gonna be a helicopter pilot!"
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- #1,226
wilbur1
Tech Sergeant
Good ones guys
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- #1,232
A drunk was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends late one night. He led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong and a mallet. "What's with that big brass gong?" one of the guests asked. "It's not a gong. It's a talking clock", the drunk replied.
"A talking clock? Seriously?" asked his astonished friend.
"Yup", replied the drunk.
"How's it work?" the friend asked, squinting at it.
"Watch", the drunk replied. He picked up the mallet, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound, and stepped back. The three stood looking at one another for a moment.
Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed,
"You as*****. It's three-fifteen in the morning!"
"A talking clock? Seriously?" asked his astonished friend.
"Yup", replied the drunk.
"How's it work?" the friend asked, squinting at it.
"Watch", the drunk replied. He picked up the mallet, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound, and stepped back. The three stood looking at one another for a moment.
Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed,
"You as*****. It's three-fifteen in the morning!"
Cota1992
Senior Airman
An Australian guy is travelling around the Greek Islands . He walks into
a bar and, by chance, is served by an Australian barmaid. As she takes
his order, a Foster's, she notices his accent. Over the course of the
evening they get chatting. At the end of her shift he asks if she wants
to come back to his place.
Although she is attracted to him she says no. He then offers to pay her
$200 to sleep with him.
As she is travelling around the world, and is short of funds, she
agrees.
The next night the guy turns up again. Again he orders Fosters and after
showing her plenty of attention, asks if she will sleep with him again
for $200. She remembers the night before and is only too happy to agree.
This goes on for 5 nights. On the 6th night the guy comes in again,
orders Fosters but goes and sits in the corner. The barmaid thinks that
if she pays him more attention then, maybe she can shake some more cash
out of him. So she goes over and sits next to him.
She asks him where he's from in Australia ..
' Melbourne ', he tells her.
'So am I. What suburb?' she enquires.
'Glen Iris' he replies.
'That's amazing,' she says excitedly, 'so am I - what street?'
' Cameo Street ' he replies.
'This is unbelievable.........' she says, her voice quavering;
'What number?'
'Number 20', he replies.
She is totally astonished. 'You are NOT going to believe this,' she
screams, 'but I'm from number 22! My parents still live there!'
'I know...' he says, 'Your Dad gave me $1,000 to give to you'
a bar and, by chance, is served by an Australian barmaid. As she takes
his order, a Foster's, she notices his accent. Over the course of the
evening they get chatting. At the end of her shift he asks if she wants
to come back to his place.
Although she is attracted to him she says no. He then offers to pay her
$200 to sleep with him.
As she is travelling around the world, and is short of funds, she
agrees.
The next night the guy turns up again. Again he orders Fosters and after
showing her plenty of attention, asks if she will sleep with him again
for $200. She remembers the night before and is only too happy to agree.
This goes on for 5 nights. On the 6th night the guy comes in again,
orders Fosters but goes and sits in the corner. The barmaid thinks that
if she pays him more attention then, maybe she can shake some more cash
out of him. So she goes over and sits next to him.
She asks him where he's from in Australia ..
' Melbourne ', he tells her.
'So am I. What suburb?' she enquires.
'Glen Iris' he replies.
'That's amazing,' she says excitedly, 'so am I - what street?'
' Cameo Street ' he replies.
'This is unbelievable.........' she says, her voice quavering;
'What number?'
'Number 20', he replies.
She is totally astonished. 'You are NOT going to believe this,' she
screams, 'but I'm from number 22! My parents still live there!'
'I know...' he says, 'Your Dad gave me $1,000 to give to you'
RabidAlien
1st Lieutenant
There's also talk of a "Survivor: Texas" series: contestants are put into a hybrid car painted in pastel pinks and blues, adorned with "Obama" and "Hillary" campaign stickers, a bumpersticker that says "I'm a gay vegetarian athiest and I'm here to take your guns", given a tank full of gas and set loose in El Paso. Whoever manages to survive to Louisiana, wins.
A young Russian fighter pilot is participating in his first operational run.
- descending to 500m,ready for bombing, bombes run.
- Roger - answered a commanding pilot
Looking at the effect of his own attack he reported:
- descending to 100m , request gun fire opening.
- Cleared - was the replay.
Being so excited he reported again,
- descending to 1m, I'm going to belt them.
- descending to 500m,ready for bombing, bombes run.
- Roger - answered a commanding pilot
Looking at the effect of his own attack he reported:
- descending to 100m , request gun fire opening.
- Cleared - was the replay.
Being so excited he reported again,
- descending to 1m, I'm going to belt them.
...keep 'em coming!
RabidAlien
1st Lieutenant
How to Tell If You've Been Married Too Long
Three women: one engaged, one married and one a mistress, are chatting about their relationships and decided to amaze their men.
That night all three will wear black leather bras, stiletto heels and a mask over their eyes.
After a few days they meet up for lunch.
The engaged woman: The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, "You are the woman of my life. I love you." Then we made love all night long.
The mistress: Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing the leather bodice, heels, mask over my eyes and a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but we had wild sex all night.
The married woman: When my husband came home I was wearing the leather bodice, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. As soon as he came in the door and saw me he said, "What's for dinner, Batman?"
Three women: one engaged, one married and one a mistress, are chatting about their relationships and decided to amaze their men.
That night all three will wear black leather bras, stiletto heels and a mask over their eyes.
After a few days they meet up for lunch.
The engaged woman: The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, "You are the woman of my life. I love you." Then we made love all night long.
The mistress: Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing the leather bodice, heels, mask over my eyes and a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but we had wild sex all night.
The married woman: When my husband came home I was wearing the leather bodice, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. As soon as he came in the door and saw me he said, "What's for dinner, Batman?"
THE MIRACLE OF TOILET PAPER
Fresh from my shower, I stood in front of the mirror complaining to my
husband that my breasts are too small.
Instead of romantically telling me this is not true, he
uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion: 'If you want your
Breasts to grow, then take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between
them for a few seconds every day'
Willing to try anything, I got a piece of toilet paper and stood in
front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts.
How long will this take?' I asked.
They will grow larger over a period of years,' my husband replies.
I stopped. 'Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between
my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?'
Without missing a beat he said 'Worked for your bum, didn't it?'
The Bastard is still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, he may even walk
again although he will probably continue to take his meals through a
straw.
Stupid, stupid man
