Quotes and Jokes (1 Viewer)
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RabidAlien
1st Lieutenant
....ouch....
Loved 'em both! heard the lawyer one before though...
Loved the second one, first one was pretty good too - lawyers 
B-17engineer
Colonel
hahhah nice
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- #1,207
I just went home for 3 days..First morning I woke up with a killer hangover after going out with some friends. I did'nt remember how I got home. It's 8.30. What day is it? Thursday. My wife must have gone to work. As I struggled into consciousness through the fog of a pounding headache, my stomach plummets as I wondered what the hell I did last night.
I forced myself to open my eyes, and the first thing I see is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a little vase of sweet peas, freshly picked from the garden. I sat up. The bedroom is clean and tidy, there is no trail of drunkenly abandoned clothes, fresh air is coming in through the window and all is serene. I stumbled to the bathroom, also pristine, and, squinting gingerly into the mirror, I see that I have a black eye. This is not a good sign, but no memories are returning.
As I concentrate hard on getting the world into focus, I see a post-it note stuck on the corner of the mirror. It is written in red, with little hearts on it and a kiss from my wife. 'Breakfast is in the oven. Try to eat something and go back to bed for the morning. There's a helicopter show on TV this afternoon. Take it easy today; hope your eye doesn't hurt too much. See you tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Kat. xoxo ' I stumbled to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the newspaper. My teenage daughter is sitting at the table, eating. Bracing myself, I drum up the courage to ask what happened the previous night.
'Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door.'
Confused, I asked, 'So, why is everything in such perfect order, aspirins by the bed, a nice note, and breakfast waiting for me?'
She replies, 'Oh THAT!... Mom dragged your sorry ass to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your trousers off, you screamed, 'Leave me alone you w****, I'm married!!'
Broken Coffee Table $250
Hot Breakfast $3.50
Two Aspirins $0.25
Saying the right thing, at the right time......PRICELESS
And now I am back to work....
I forced myself to open my eyes, and the first thing I see is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a little vase of sweet peas, freshly picked from the garden. I sat up. The bedroom is clean and tidy, there is no trail of drunkenly abandoned clothes, fresh air is coming in through the window and all is serene. I stumbled to the bathroom, also pristine, and, squinting gingerly into the mirror, I see that I have a black eye. This is not a good sign, but no memories are returning.
As I concentrate hard on getting the world into focus, I see a post-it note stuck on the corner of the mirror. It is written in red, with little hearts on it and a kiss from my wife. 'Breakfast is in the oven. Try to eat something and go back to bed for the morning. There's a helicopter show on TV this afternoon. Take it easy today; hope your eye doesn't hurt too much. See you tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Kat. xoxo ' I stumbled to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the newspaper. My teenage daughter is sitting at the table, eating. Bracing myself, I drum up the courage to ask what happened the previous night.
'Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door.'
Confused, I asked, 'So, why is everything in such perfect order, aspirins by the bed, a nice note, and breakfast waiting for me?'
She replies, 'Oh THAT!... Mom dragged your sorry ass to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your trousers off, you screamed, 'Leave me alone you w****, I'm married!!'
Broken Coffee Table $250
Hot Breakfast $3.50
Two Aspirins $0.25
Saying the right thing, at the right time......PRICELESS
And now I am back to work....
RabidAlien
1st Lieutenant
wilbur1
Tech Sergeant
Perfect 
JugBR
Staff Sergeant
An interview with the man who is the biggest smoker in all the world.
- What do you like the most in all the world?
- Smoking
- Smoking, is it possible?
- Yep , I like smoking.
- Might it be anything else?
- No, smoking only
- However there must be something else you can like,
- Very likely
- If yes, what it can be? Maybe sex...
- Perhaps
- Well if you like sex could you tell us with who, I mean women, men etc...
- With women, yes undoubtedly with women.
- Oh what nice....If a sex with a woman, tell us which of ways for this you like the most, please.
- What ?????
- What way of making love do you like? I mean classic, from back etc..
- Humm.... I think.... form back. Yes, yes the back way is the best.
- OK.. the back way.. why?
- Because I can smoke...
Airframes
Benevolens Magister
You've probably heard it, but this is one of a series of true reports from ground servicing personnel, military and civil. As you know, when an aircraft is handed back to the ground crew after a flight, the pilot completes a form, noting any defects, faults etc., then the ground crew check it out, and take action as required. Here's the first one:-
Pilot's report - Test flight O.K., but port inner engine missing.
Ground crew summary and comment after action - port inner engine found after brief search of port wing.
Pilot's report - Test flight O.K., but port inner engine missing.
Ground crew summary and comment after action - port inner engine found after brief search of port wing.
- Thread starter
- #1,215
A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives her husband a big kiss, then says she'll see him later and walks away.
The wife glares at her husband and says, "Who the hell was that?"
"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."
"Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a divorce!"
"I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Merc and Lexus in the garage and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours."
Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous lady on his arm.
"Who's that woman with Jim?" asks the wife.
"That's his mistress," says her husband.
"Ours is prettier," she replies.
The wife glares at her husband and says, "Who the hell was that?"
"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."
"Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a divorce!"
"I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Merc and Lexus in the garage and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours."
Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous lady on his arm.
"Who's that woman with Jim?" asks the wife.
"That's his mistress," says her husband.
"Ours is prettier," she replies.
RabidAlien
1st Lieutenant
Nice guys!
Njaco
The Pop-Tart Whisperer
I just want to thank all of you for your educational emails over the past year.
Thanks to you, I no longer open a public bathroom door without using a paper towel.
I can't use the remote in a hotel room because I don't know what the last person was doing while flipping through the channels.
I can't sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.
I can't enjoy lemon slices in my tea or on my seafood anymore because lemon peels have been found to contain all kinds of nasty germs including feces.
I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking your nose.
Eating a Little Debbie sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years.
I can't touch any woman's purse for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public bathroom.
I must send my special thanks to whoever sent me the one about poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.
Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.
I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.
I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program .
I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St.Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.
I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.
I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.
Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friendsand make a wish within five minutes.
Becauseof your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.
I no longer can buy gasoline without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas.
I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put 'Under God' on their cans.
I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.
And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face...disfiguring me for life.
I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.
I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.
I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.
I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our American troops or the Salvation Army.
I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for or which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore and Uzbekistan .
I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman-Marcus since I now have their recipe.
Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my butt.
And thanks to your great advice, I can't ever pick up $5.00 dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a rapist waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.
Have a wonderful day...
Thanks to you, I no longer open a public bathroom door without using a paper towel.
I can't use the remote in a hotel room because I don't know what the last person was doing while flipping through the channels.
I can't sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.
I can't enjoy lemon slices in my tea or on my seafood anymore because lemon peels have been found to contain all kinds of nasty germs including feces.
I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking your nose.
Eating a Little Debbie sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years.
I can't touch any woman's purse for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public bathroom.
I must send my special thanks to whoever sent me the one about poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.
Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.
I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.
I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program .
I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St.Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.
I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.
I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.
Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friendsand make a wish within five minutes.
Becauseof your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.
I no longer can buy gasoline without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas.
I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put 'Under God' on their cans.
I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.
And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face...disfiguring me for life.
I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.
I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.
I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.
I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our American troops or the Salvation Army.
I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for or which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore and Uzbekistan .
I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman-Marcus since I now have their recipe.
Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my butt.
And thanks to your great advice, I can't ever pick up $5.00 dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a rapist waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.
Have a wonderful day...
