Quotes and Jokes (1 Viewer)
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SaparotRob
Unter Gemeine Geschwader Murmeltier XIII
Looks like Bill, the Hollywood Cat from the comic strip "Bloom County".
ARTESH
Chief Master Sergeant
Persian jokes, Part ?
Last edited:
at6
1st Sergeant
Nicht verstehen.
ThomasP
Senior Master Sergeant
Hey ARTESH,
Sorry, but I think you will have to translate your jokes. I tried a couple of Persian to English translation websites but they did not translate effectively.
Sorry, but I think you will have to translate your jokes. I tried a couple of Persian to English translation websites but they did not translate effectively.
ARTESH
Chief Master Sergeant
Hey, Thomas
My apologies, I was about to send Translations that a power outage happened. I'm really sorry.
Snautzer01
Honourably banned
- 40,534
- Mar 26, 2007
How about posting in english to start with? This board is not Saturday night Persia special.
michaelmaltby
Colonel
Do they have belly dancers, young belly dancers on Saturday night Persia special.??
Prop Duster
Airman
I won't bore you ----oh, yes I will
It was mealtime on an airplane, and the flight attendant asked a passenger if he would like some dinner.
"What are my choices?" the passenger asked.
"Yes or no," she replied.
What's the difference between an optimist and a pessimist?
An optimist created the airplane; a pessimist created the seatbelts.
A man walks up to the counter at the airport.
"Can I help you?" asks the agent.
"I want a roundtrip ticket," says the man.
"Where to?" asks the agent.
"Right back to here," he replies.
I asked a flight attendant to change my seat because of a crying baby next to me.
It turns out you can't do that if the baby is yours.
Where does a mountain climber keep his plane?
In a cliff-hangar.
How often do airplanes crash?
Just once.
It was mealtime on an airplane, and the flight attendant asked a passenger if he would like some dinner.
"What are my choices?" the passenger asked.
"Yes or no," she replied.
What's the difference between an optimist and a pessimist?
An optimist created the airplane; a pessimist created the seatbelts.
A man walks up to the counter at the airport.
"Can I help you?" asks the agent.
"I want a roundtrip ticket," says the man.
"Where to?" asks the agent.
"Right back to here," he replies.
I asked a flight attendant to change my seat because of a crying baby next to me.
It turns out you can't do that if the baby is yours.
Where does a mountain climber keep his plane?
In a cliff-hangar.
How often do airplanes crash?
Just once.
ThomasP
Senior Master Sergeant
An engineer joke.
A mathematician, physicist, and engineer all want to find the volume of a blue bouncy ball.
The mathematician gets his calipers out and measures the diameter of the ball, then solves the integral.
The physicist fetches a bowl of water, drops the ball in and measures the displacement.
The engineer checks the serial number and finds the volume in the appropriate table of his Handbook of Blue Bouncy Balls.
A mathematician, physicist, and engineer all want to find the volume of a blue bouncy ball.
The mathematician gets his calipers out and measures the diameter of the ball, then solves the integral.
The physicist fetches a bowl of water, drops the ball in and measures the displacement.
The engineer checks the serial number and finds the volume in the appropriate table of his Handbook of Blue Bouncy Balls.
ThomasP
Senior Master Sergeant
Another engineer joke.
Three engineering students were gathered together discussing who must have designed the human body.
One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints."
Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. Look at the hundreds of thousands of electrical connections."
The last one said, "No, it had to have been a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"
Three engineering students were gathered together discussing who must have designed the human body.
One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints."
Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. Look at the hundreds of thousands of electrical connections."
The last one said, "No, it had to have been a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"
ThomasP
Senior Master Sergeant
Interesting law case. The following is a cleaned up and reduced version of the transcript from an actual court case. The names and and possible identifying information have been removed,
The charge was arson - supposedly a farmer burned down his barn for insurance money.
The prosecutor outlined what they would prove: the farmer moved most of the stuff out of a barn into a second barn, then burned down the first barn by pouring fuel around the base and setting it on fire.
The prosecution called as witness a neighbor in a subdivision that backed up to the farm - who testified the farmer moved stuff out of the barn over about a week. The neighbor noticed the unusual activity because he was outside building a deck on his vacation.
Next, the neighbor saw the farmer walking slowly around the outside of the barn pouring something from a 'blue gas can' on the lower part of the barn walls.
The farmer goes out of sight to the front of the barn, and flames erupt all along the base of the barn. His neighbor calls 911. We hear the recorded 911 call in which the neighbor says the farmer has set fire to his barn.
The defense had no questions for the neighbor.
By the time fire department arrived five minutes later, the barn was fully engulfed and they just acted to contain it, which was essentially just standing by since they note the nearby ground has been closely mowed, evidently to prevent the spread of flame. The firemen said the flames spread with a rapidity that was out of place even in a wooden barn, and they smelled petroleum.
The defense had no questions for firemen.
The fire investigator employed by the fire department, who came along on the response specifically because of the 'he set his barn on fire' 911 call, said it was definitely arson because of the clear marks on the ground where accelerant burned, which still smelled of fuel after the fire died down.
The defense had no questions for the investigator.
The police then arrested the farmer and took him down to the station.
Police investigators said there was virtually nothing in the burned barn (ruined tools or equipment) but that there was a good supply of items in the other barn that appeared to have been recently placed there, including some sitting on grass that was still green underneath.
The insurance company representative said the barn was insured.
The defendant's lawyer still has said essentially nothing, there was no cross-examination of any of the prosecution's witnesses.
The prosecution was done. The Defense was up.
The defense calls the farmer, and the first question was, 'Let's cut to the chase. Did you burn your barn down?'
'Yup.'
'Why did you do it?'
'It was old, and rotten, with termites. Going to fall down. Not safe.'
'Hm. Do you usually burn down old farm buildings?
'Yep and my daddy did before me, and his before him. It's a farm.'
'Are you aware that you need a permit to burn debris in this county?'
'Been doin' it that way on this farm since the 1800s, never had no permit.'
'The fine for setting any kind of fire on private property without a permit is up to $500. Oh, wait, I forgot, you are zoned for 'active agriculture,' and are exempt. So, no permit needed. But, why didn't you tell any of this to the police?'
'They didn't ask me no questions till after they put handcuffs on me and took me to the police station. They told me anything I said would be used against me, and said I had the right to remain silent. THEN some lawyer guy came in and told me I was going to prison for insurance fraud, and HE asked me questions. I remember Perry Mason said don't talk to anyone but your lawyer. So I didn't.'
'Did you file an insurance claim?'
'What for? The barn wasn't worth nothin' in that state. That's why I burned it in the first place.'
'I suggested we explain all this and try to talk them out of a trial. You said you wanted your day in court. What's up with that?'
'They came on my land, arrested me without telling me what for. Told me later it was for arson and insurance fraud, and put that in the papers. All my friends, relatives, and neighbors know about this. They made me look dishonest. I want to make sure everyone knows the real facts. I figure this is better than them just dropping it, and everyone wondering whether they just decided not to send an old man to prison.'
The Defense rested.
The charge was arson - supposedly a farmer burned down his barn for insurance money.
The prosecutor outlined what they would prove: the farmer moved most of the stuff out of a barn into a second barn, then burned down the first barn by pouring fuel around the base and setting it on fire.
The prosecution called as witness a neighbor in a subdivision that backed up to the farm - who testified the farmer moved stuff out of the barn over about a week. The neighbor noticed the unusual activity because he was outside building a deck on his vacation.
Next, the neighbor saw the farmer walking slowly around the outside of the barn pouring something from a 'blue gas can' on the lower part of the barn walls.
The farmer goes out of sight to the front of the barn, and flames erupt all along the base of the barn. His neighbor calls 911. We hear the recorded 911 call in which the neighbor says the farmer has set fire to his barn.
The defense had no questions for the neighbor.
By the time fire department arrived five minutes later, the barn was fully engulfed and they just acted to contain it, which was essentially just standing by since they note the nearby ground has been closely mowed, evidently to prevent the spread of flame. The firemen said the flames spread with a rapidity that was out of place even in a wooden barn, and they smelled petroleum.
The defense had no questions for firemen.
The fire investigator employed by the fire department, who came along on the response specifically because of the 'he set his barn on fire' 911 call, said it was definitely arson because of the clear marks on the ground where accelerant burned, which still smelled of fuel after the fire died down.
The defense had no questions for the investigator.
The police then arrested the farmer and took him down to the station.
Police investigators said there was virtually nothing in the burned barn (ruined tools or equipment) but that there was a good supply of items in the other barn that appeared to have been recently placed there, including some sitting on grass that was still green underneath.
The insurance company representative said the barn was insured.
The defendant's lawyer still has said essentially nothing, there was no cross-examination of any of the prosecution's witnesses.
The prosecution was done. The Defense was up.
The defense calls the farmer, and the first question was, 'Let's cut to the chase. Did you burn your barn down?'
'Yup.'
'Why did you do it?'
'It was old, and rotten, with termites. Going to fall down. Not safe.'
'Hm. Do you usually burn down old farm buildings?
'Yep and my daddy did before me, and his before him. It's a farm.'
'Are you aware that you need a permit to burn debris in this county?'
'Been doin' it that way on this farm since the 1800s, never had no permit.'
'The fine for setting any kind of fire on private property without a permit is up to $500. Oh, wait, I forgot, you are zoned for 'active agriculture,' and are exempt. So, no permit needed. But, why didn't you tell any of this to the police?'
'They didn't ask me no questions till after they put handcuffs on me and took me to the police station. They told me anything I said would be used against me, and said I had the right to remain silent. THEN some lawyer guy came in and told me I was going to prison for insurance fraud, and HE asked me questions. I remember Perry Mason said don't talk to anyone but your lawyer. So I didn't.'
'Did you file an insurance claim?'
'What for? The barn wasn't worth nothin' in that state. That's why I burned it in the first place.'
'I suggested we explain all this and try to talk them out of a trial. You said you wanted your day in court. What's up with that?'
'They came on my land, arrested me without telling me what for. Told me later it was for arson and insurance fraud, and put that in the papers. All my friends, relatives, and neighbors know about this. They made me look dishonest. I want to make sure everyone knows the real facts. I figure this is better than them just dropping it, and everyone wondering whether they just decided not to send an old man to prison.'
The Defense rested.
ThomasP
Senior Master Sergeant
Funny on several levels, particularly to an engineer.
Incidentally, his MSC thesis was on the application of self-tuning (ie auto-tuning) circuits to create adaptive control systems.
Incidentally, his MSC thesis was on the application of self-tuning (ie auto-tuning) circuits to create adaptive control systems.
SaparotRob
Unter Gemeine Geschwader Murmeltier XIII
More Blackadder!
michaelmaltby
Colonel
"... The last one said, "No, it had to have been a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?" .."
I shared this excellent joke with a smart Ukrainian software engineer that I used to work with,
She replied:
"Good reason not to make recreational area too comfortable. Considerate Civil Engineering"
I shared this excellent joke with a smart Ukrainian software engineer that I used to work with,
She replied:
"Good reason not to make recreational area too comfortable. Considerate Civil Engineering"
