Quotes and Jokes

Thanks Wayne....

My wife and I had actually been missing a few things from the move. Now we know where they are!. I guess that is what is to be expected when dealing with the low bidder!

You're welcome..5bR!

Can't see anything wrong either Gary...

Standard Operating Procedures

BBQ RULES We are about to enter the BBQ season. Therefore it is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking activity. When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put into motion:
Routine...
(1) The woman buys the food.
(2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables
and makes dessert.
(3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill - beer in hand.
(4) The woman remains outside the compulsory three metre exclusion zone where the exuberance of testosterone and other manly bonding activities can take place without the interference of the woman.

Here comes the important part:
(5) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.
More routine...
(6) The woman goes inside to organise the plates and cutlery.
(7) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is looking great. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he flips the meat.
Important again:
(8) THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.
More routine...
(9) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauce and brings them to the table.
(10) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.
And most important of all:
(11) Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.
(12) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed her 'night off ', and, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women.

In honor of the 44th President of the United States ,

Baskin-Robbins Ice Cream has introduced a new flavor: " Barocky Road ."

Barocky Road is a blend of half vanilla, half chocolate, and surrounded by nuts and flakes.

The vanilla portion of the mix is not openly advertised and usually denied as an ingredient.

The nuts and flakes are all very bitter and hard to swallow.

The cost is $100.00 per scoop.

When purchased it will be presented to you in a

large beautiful cone, but then the ice cream is

taken away and given to the person in line behind you.

You are left with an empty wallet and no change,

holding an empty cone with no hope of getting

any ice cream.

Are you stimulated?

How the British Armed Forces deal with Snakes (probably the same for other Forces ?)

1.Infantry: Tracks Snake through jungle. Snake smells them and quickly leaves area, travelling upwind.

2.Parachute Regiment: Lands on and kills snake.

3.Armour: Runs over snake, laughs and looks for more snakes.

4.Cavalry: Treats snake with haughty disdain as having no impact on primary objective: to hold London against Roundheads at all costs.

5.Royal Marine Commando: Plays with snake, gets smashed with snake. Eats snake

6.Combat Engineer: Studies snake. Prepares tactical plan for fixing snake using counter-mobility assets and defeating snake using mobility assets. Chain of command pays no attention. Snake falls into hole dug by infantry and drowns.

7.Artillery: Fires 3 hour concentrated barrage. Misses snake. Tree blown up by stray round falls on snake and kills it. Mission declared successful and all participants awarded gallantry medals.

8.Special Forces: Makes contact with snake and, ignoring Foreign Office directives, builds rapport with snake and starts winning its heart and mind. Trains it to kill other snakes. Files massive expenses claim. Writes best-seller "Python Two Zero".

9.Army Medical Services: Snake dies by mistake on operating table. Dissects snake.

10.Royal Navy: Fires 183 missiles from 17 ships. Estimates 60% of snake killed. Makes PowerPoint presentation to MoD Select Committee on how Naval forces are the most cost effective means of conducting anti-snake operations.

11.TA: Kills snake by accident on weekend camp. Keeps quiet about it.

12.RAF: Obtains geo-co-ordinates for snake. Alerts 40 Tornados, 20 Harriers, and RAF Regiment. Loads laser-guided bombs by mistake. Flies in at 20,000 feet, can't find snake so drops bombs in sea on way home. Returns to base for crew rest, dry-cleaning collection, facial and manicure.

13.Intelligence Corps: Snake? What snake? Only 4 of 35 indicators of snake presence currently active. Assesses potential for snake activity as low. Dies of snake-bite.

14.Defence Logistic Organisation: Orders 2 year Study by Anderson Consultants at cost of £1.5M. generating massive workload at grade I staff level. Report finds that killing snake may contribute to 20% Output costing savings by inclusion of snake meat in tri-Service messing. Snake Meat Implementation Team formed, with 2-star tri-Service steering group. Aim to introduce snake meat into all messes and ration packs by 2002. Snake experts from Special Forces and Ghurkhas do not know what they are talking about. High profile £2M PR campaign launched featuring celebrity chef Ainsley Harriott and retired 4-star officers keen to supplement their excessive pensions. Snake meat launched in Service messes and restaurants to resounding clamour of apathy. Desperate to recoup lost money, Army demolishes 300 married quarters and sells snake meat holdings to Indian and Canadian Armed Forces.

15.Defence Procurement Agency: Decide they want to buy a Snake. Offer ambiguous contract out for tender. Contract states that an eel will be supplied as Government Furnished Equipment and must be modified to meet the performance characteristics of a snake as laid out in the aforementioned ambiguous contract. 6 years late and 3 billion pounds over budget, the project is scrapped and a COTS snake is bought from the USA for billion.

16.Adjutant General: Determines that the snake is not black, female, homosexual or disabled. Loses interest.

17. Ministry of Defence: Initially denies knowledge of snake, but subsequently admits that snake was acquired on advice of intelligence services and secret legal advice. Announces inquiry which will lead to prosecution of service personnel who handled snake, whilst exonerating government ministers.

One Morning the teacher asked her students what they wanted out of life...

A little girl in the back row raised her hand and said, "All I want out of life is four little animals, just like my Mom always says".
The teacher asked, "Really and what four little animals would that be?"
The little girl said, "A mink on my back, a jaguar in the garage, a tiger in the bed and a jackass to pay for all of it."

A Stanford Medical research group advertised for participants
in a study of obsessive-compulsive disorder. They were
looking for therapy clients who had been diagnosed with this
disorder. The response was gratifying; they got 300 responses
the day after the ad came out.

All from the same person.

I love it!

A big-city California lawyer went duck hunting in rural Texas. He shot and dropped a duck, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence from where the lawyer shot.

As the lawyer started to climb over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him just what the heck he thought he was doin'.


The lawyer responded, "I shot a duck and it fell into this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."

The old farmer replied, "You just hold on a dadburn minute. This is my property, and thar's no way yur comin' over that thar fence."

The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the U.S. and if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own!

The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things down here in Texas. We settle small disagreements like this with the 'Texas Three-Kick' rule."

The lawyer asked, "What is the 'Texas Three-Kick Rule'?"

The farmer replied, "Well, first I kick you three times, and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, 'till someone gives."

The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.


The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and ambled up to the city feller. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer's shins, causing him to hop on one foot. His second kick knocked the man right off his feet. With the lawyer flat on his back the farmer's third kick caused him to see stars.

The lawyer summoned every bit of his will, managed to get to his feet and said, "Okay, you old coot! Now it's my turn!"

The old farmer smiled and said,

"No way, mister, I give up.
You can have the duck!"

I have been watching you all very closely to see if you've been good
this year, and since you have, I will be telling my elves to make some
goodies for me to leave under your tree. I was going to bring you all
the gifts from the "Twelve days of Christmas", but we had a little
problem up here. The Twelve Fiddlers Fiddling have all come down with VD
from fiddling with the Ten Ladies Dancing; The Eleven Lords a Leaping
have knocked up the Eight Maids a Milking; The Nine Pipers Piping have
all been arrested for doing weird things to the Seven Swans a Swimming;
The Six Geese a Laying, Four Calling Birds, Three French Hens, Two
Turtle Doves, and a Partridge in a Pear Tree have me up to my ass in
bird ****. On top of this, Mrs. Claus is going through menopause, eight
of my reindeer are in heat, the elves have joined the Gay Liberation,
and those dumb asses in Poland have postponed Christmas for the fifth of
February.

Sincerely,
Santa

The Drunk and The Blonde....!

A drunk is sitting at the bar. There is a very buxom blond a few seats down from him.

A fellow at the other end of the bar calls for a beer. The bartender fills the mug and slides it down the bar.

The glass hits the blonde's breasts and spills all over them. The bartender goes over, retrieves the mug and licks the beer off her breasts.

This happens a couple more times. The next time, the drunk jumps up and starts to lick her breasts. She decks him!
He's lying on the floor moaning and groaning. "how come you let the bartender do it?" he asks the blonde?

She answers: "Because he has got-------


Can you try and guess her answer?
Even if you don't, you're gonna love this-----























A LICKER LICENSE!

oh boy

....

Many aspects of human sexuality are very puzzling, take celibacy.
This can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by environmental factors.

While attending a Marriage Encounter Weekend, Tony and Julie listened to the instructor declare 'It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other.'

He addressed the men. 'Can you each name and describe your wife's favourite flower?'

Tony leaned over, touched Julie's arm gently and whispered,

'Self-raising, isn't it?'

Thus began Tony's life of celibacy.

1. Any man who brings a camera to a buck's night may be legally killed and eaten by his mates.

2. Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

3. It is ok for a man to cry under the following circumstances:

a. When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
b. The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.
c. After wrecking your boss's car.
d. One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into 'The Crying Game'.
e. When she is using her teeth.

4. Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.

5. If you've known a bloke for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever, unless you actually marry her.

6. Moaning about the brand of free beer in a mate's fridge is forbidden. Complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

7. No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your mate's birthday is strictly optional.

8. On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.

9. When stumbling upon other blokes watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.

10. You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.

11. It is permissible to quaff a fruity alcopop drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless supermodel and it's free.

12. Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another bloke in the nuts.

13. Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

14. Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

15. If a man's flies are down that's his problem, you didn't see anything.

16. Women who claim they 'love to watch sports' must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.

17. You must offer heartfelt and public condolences over the death of a girlfriend's cat, even if it was you who secretly set it on fire and threw it into a ceiling fan.

18. A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.

19. Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both - that's just mean.

20. If you complement a bloke on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.

21. Never join your girlfriend or wife in dissing a mate of yours, except if she's withholding sex pending your response.

22. Phrases that may not be uttered to another man while lifting weights:

a. Yeah, baby, push it!
b. C'mon, give me one more! Harder!
c. Another set and we can hit the showers!

23. Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing: Both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.

24. Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary.

25. You cannot grass on a colleague who shows up at work with a massive hangover. You may however, hide the aspirin, smear his chair with cheese, turn the brightness dial all the way down so he thinks his monitor is broken, and have him paged over the loud speaker every seven minutes.

26. The morning after you and a girl who was formerly 'just a friend' had carnal, drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason not to nail her again before the discussion about what a big mistake it was.

27. It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours.

28. Thou shalt not buy a car with an engine capacity of less than 1.5 litres. Thou shall not really buy a car with less than 1.8 litres, 16 valves, and a turbo.

29. Thou shalt not buy a car in the colours of brown, pink, lime green, orange or sky blue.

30. The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets a Playstation 4.