Quotes and Jokes (1 Viewer)

[Matt308]

A doctor had sex with one of his female patients and felt guilty all
day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he just
couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal of his patient were
overwhelming.




But every once in a while, he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice in
his head that said, "Don't worry about it. You aren't the first
medical practitioner to have sex with one of his patients and you
won't be the last. And you're single. Just let it go."




But, invariably, another voice in his head would bring him back to
reality, whispering, "You're a veterinarian, you sick bastard."

 

[Gnomey]

 

[Wurger]

 

[Wayne Little]

 

[michaelmaltby]

An Obituary printed in the London Times.....


Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense ,
who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure
how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red
tape. He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as:

- Knowing when to come in out of the rain;
- Why the early bird gets the worm;
- Life isn't always fair;
- And maybe it was my fault.

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies
(don't spend more than you can earn)
and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in charge).

His health began to deteriorate rapidly
when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place.
Reports of a 6-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment
for kissing a classmate;
teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch;
and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student,
only worsened his condition.

Common Sense lost ground when
parents attacked teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to
do in disciplining their unruly children.

It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer
sun lotion or an aspirin to a student; but could not inform parents when a
student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.

Common Sense lost the will to
live as the churches became businesses; and criminals received better
treatment than their victims.

Common Sense took a beating
when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the
burglar could sue you for assault.

Common Sense finally gave up
the will to live, after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of
coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a
huge settlement.

Common Sense was preceded in death,
-by his parents, Truth and Trust,
-by his wife, Discretion,
-by his daughter, Responsibility,
-and by his son, Reason.

He is survived by his 5 stepbrothers;
- I Know My Rights
- I Want It Now
- Someone Else Is To Blame
- I'm A Victim
- Pay me for Doing Nothing

Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone.

 

[Lucky13]

Absent Friends

Remember those not here today,
And those unwell or far away,
And those who never lived to see,
the end of war and Victory,
And every friend who've lost our way,
Remembered of as of yesterday,
It's absent friends we miss the most,
To ALL, let's drink a loving toast.

 

[Gnomey]

 

[Capt. Vick]

You know what makes a great stocking stuffer?

A severed foot!

 

[Wayne Little]

 

[Matt308]

I thought that was a Canadian joke.

Human Feet Washing Up on Shore in British Columbia, Canada - The Daily Beast

 

[javlin]

Bob The Blonde


Bob walked into a sports bar around 9:58 PM. He sat down next to a blonde at the bar And stared up at the TV.
The 10 PM news was coming on.
The news crew was covering the story Of a man on the ledge of a large building Preparing to jump.


The blonde looked at Bob and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"
Bob said, "You know, I bet he'll jump."
The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't."
Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said, "You're on!"


Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, The guy on the ledge Did a swan dive off the building,
Falling to his death.
The blonde was very upset, But willingly handed her $20 to Bob. "Fair's fair. Here's your money."


Bob replied, "I can't take your money. I saw this earlier on the 5 PM news, So I knew he would jump."
The blonde replied, "I did, too, But I didn't think he'd do it again." Bob took the money.

 

[Wayne Little]

 

[michaelmaltby]

Best PhotoShop ever ....

 

[Gnomey]

 

[meatloaf109]

Absent Friends

Remember those not here today,
And those unwell or far away,
And those who never lived to see,
the end of war and Victory,
And every friend who've lost our way,
Remembered of as of yesterday,
It's absent friends we miss the most,
To ALL, let's drink a loving toast.

As Col. Hogan once said,
"To our wives and lovers; May they never meet!"
But I do appreciate the sentiment that you expressed!

 

[fubar57]

I'm sure we could have all used one of these for a co-worker....

View attachment Hurt-Feelings-Report.pdf

Geo

 

[vikingBerserker]

I am SO going to use that!

 

[Gnomey]

Certainly going to be put to some use...

 

[Airframes]

I'd better order another ream of printer paper - this is going to get a lot of use !

 

[Wayne Little]

might pay to get a pallet load Terry...