RabidAlien
1st Lieutenant
Quotes and Jokes (7 Viewers)
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A magician worked on a cruise ship. The audience was different each week, so the magician did the same tricks over and over again. One problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick.
Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show:
"Look, it's not the same hat!" "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table."
"Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?"
The magician was furious but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the captain's parrot.
Then the ship sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood in the middle of
the sea with, as fate would have it, with the parrot.
They stared at each other with hatred but did not utter a word. This went on for a day and then another and then another.
Finally on the fourth day, the parrot could not hold back: "OK, I give up.
Where's the f*cking ship?"
Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show:
"Look, it's not the same hat!" "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table."
"Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?"
The magician was furious but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the captain's parrot.
Then the ship sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood in the middle of
the sea with, as fate would have it, with the parrot.
They stared at each other with hatred but did not utter a word. This went on for a day and then another and then another.
Finally on the fourth day, the parrot could not hold back: "OK, I give up.
Where's the f*cking ship?"
RabidAlien
1st Lieutenant
Good thing I wasn't drinking anything at the moment! That was frikkkin hilarious!!!
Mike: PAPERCLIP=People Against People Ever Reenlisting, Civilian Life Is Preferred
Mike: PAPERCLIP=People Against People Ever Reenlisting, Civilian Life Is Preferred
Aaron Brooks Wolters
Brigadier General
Good one Wayne!
vikingBerserker
Lieutenant General
Mrs. Donovan was walking down O'Connell Street in Dublin when she met up with Father Rafferty.
The Father said, "Top o' the mornin' to ye! Aren't ye Mrs. Donovan and didn't I marry ye and yer husband two years ago?"
She replied, "Aye, that ye did, Father."
The Father asked, "And be there any wee ones yet?"
She replied, "No, not yet, Father."
The Father said, "Well now, I'm going to Rome next week and I'll light a candle for ye and yer husband."
She replied, "Oh, thank ye, Father." They parted ways.
Some years later, they met again. The Father asked, "Well now, Mrs. Donovan, how are ye these days?"
She replied, "Oh, very well Father."
The Father asked, "And tell me, have ye any wee ones yet?"
She replied, "Oh, yes Father. Three sets of twins and four singles, 10 in all."
The Father said, "That's wonderful! How is yer loving husband doing?"
She replied, "E's gone to Rome, Father, to blow out yer fookin' candle."
The Father said, "Top o' the mornin' to ye! Aren't ye Mrs. Donovan and didn't I marry ye and yer husband two years ago?"
She replied, "Aye, that ye did, Father."
The Father asked, "And be there any wee ones yet?"
She replied, "No, not yet, Father."
The Father said, "Well now, I'm going to Rome next week and I'll light a candle for ye and yer husband."
She replied, "Oh, thank ye, Father." They parted ways.
Some years later, they met again. The Father asked, "Well now, Mrs. Donovan, how are ye these days?"
She replied, "Oh, very well Father."
The Father asked, "And tell me, have ye any wee ones yet?"
She replied, "Oh, yes Father. Three sets of twins and four singles, 10 in all."
The Father said, "That's wonderful! How is yer loving husband doing?"
She replied, "E's gone to Rome, Father, to blow out yer fookin' candle."
RabidAlien
1st Lieutenant
BWAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!
Aaron Brooks Wolters
Brigadier General
When my three-year-old son opened the birthday gift from his grandmother, he discovered a water pistol. He squealed with delight and headed for the nearest sink.
I was not so pleased. I turned to Mom and said, "I'm surprised at you. Don't you remember how we used to drive you crazy with water guns?"
Mom smiled and then replied....."I remember, Oh....I remember alright!"
I was not so pleased. I turned to Mom and said, "I'm surprised at you. Don't you remember how we used to drive you crazy with water guns?"
Mom smiled and then replied....."I remember, Oh....I remember alright!"
RabidAlien
1st Lieutenant
The best revenge a person can have on their kids.....being a grandparent.
Yep.
mikewint
Captain
been out on the boat in the middle of the lake for three days so to all of you: great jokes.
to catch up: RA, Yes My Retarded Ass Signed Up or YMRA SU
and The best revenge on your children is to live long enough to be a burden
mikewint
Captain
UCLA Study
A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry has revealed that the kind of male face a woman finds attractive can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle.
For instance, if she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features.
However, if she is menstruating or menopausal, she is more prone to be
attracted to a man with scissors lodged in his temple and a bat jammed
up his ass while he is on fire.
Further studies are expected
A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry has revealed that the kind of male face a woman finds attractive can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle.
For instance, if she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features.
However, if she is menstruating or menopausal, she is more prone to be
attracted to a man with scissors lodged in his temple and a bat jammed
up his ass while he is on fire.
Further studies are expected
Aaron Brooks Wolters
Brigadier General
Ain't that the truth.
A 54 year old woman had a heart attack and
was taken to the hospital.
While on the operating table she had a near
death experience.. Seeing God
she asked "Is my time up?"
God said, "No, you have another 43 years,
2 months and 8 days to live."
Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in
the hospital and have a
face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a
tummy tuck.
She even had someone come in and change her hair colour and
brighten her teeth! Since she had so much more time
to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.
After her last operation, she was released
from the hospital. While crossing
the street on her way home, she was killed
by an ambulance.
Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I
thought you said I had another 43 years?
Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?"
God replied: "****! I didn't recognize you.
was taken to the hospital.
While on the operating table she had a near
death experience.. Seeing God
she asked "Is my time up?"
God said, "No, you have another 43 years,
2 months and 8 days to live."
Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in
the hospital and have a
face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a
tummy tuck.
She even had someone come in and change her hair colour and
brighten her teeth! Since she had so much more time
to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.
After her last operation, she was released
from the hospital. While crossing
the street on her way home, she was killed
by an ambulance.
Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I
thought you said I had another 43 years?
Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?"
God replied: "****! I didn't recognize you.
mikewint
Captain
good one
