That's great...
Quotes and Jokes (5 Viewers)
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mikewint
Captain
Sven and Ole (cousins of Jan) worked together and were laid off, so they went to the unemployment office.
Asked his occupation, Ole said "panty stitcher. I sew the elastic into cotton panties."
The clerk looked up panty sticher. Finding it listed as "unskilled labor", she gave Ole $300 a week in unemployment pay.
Then Sven was asked his occupation. "Diesel fitter." he replied.
Looking up diesel fitter the clerk found it listed as "skilled labor", she gave Sven $600 a week.
When Ole found out, he was furious. He stormed back into the unemployment office to find out why his co-worker was collecting double his pay.
The clerk explained that "panty stitcher" was unskilled while "diesel fitter" was skilled
"What skill?" yelled Ole. "I sew the elastic on, and Sven pulls on it and says, "Yep diesel fitter"
Asked his occupation, Ole said "panty stitcher. I sew the elastic into cotton panties."
The clerk looked up panty sticher. Finding it listed as "unskilled labor", she gave Ole $300 a week in unemployment pay.
Then Sven was asked his occupation. "Diesel fitter." he replied.
Looking up diesel fitter the clerk found it listed as "skilled labor", she gave Sven $600 a week.
When Ole found out, he was furious. He stormed back into the unemployment office to find out why his co-worker was collecting double his pay.
The clerk explained that "panty stitcher" was unskilled while "diesel fitter" was skilled
"What skill?" yelled Ole. "I sew the elastic on, and Sven pulls on it and says, "Yep diesel fitter"
RabidAlien
1st Lieutenant
vikingBerserker
Lieutenant General
The 5 toughest questions for men are:
1. What are you thinking about?
2. Do you love me?
3. Do I look fat?
4. Do you think she is prettier than me?
5. What would you do if I died?
What makes these questions so difficult is that each one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument if the man answers incorrectly (i.e. tells the truth). Therefore, as a public service, each question is analyzed below, along with possible responses.
Question # 1: What are you thinking about?
The proper answer to this, of course, is: "I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman you are, and how lucky I am to have met you."
This response obviously bears no resemblance to the true answer, which most likely is one of the following:
a. Baseball.
b. Football.
c. How fat you are.
d. How much prettier she is than you.
e. How I would spend the insurance money if you died.
(Perhaps the best response to this question was offered by Al Bundy, who once told Peg, "If I wanted you to know what I was thinking, I would be talking to you!")
Question # 2: Do you love me?
The proper response is: "YES!" or, if you feel a more detailed answer is in order, "Yes, dear."
Inappropriate responses include:
a. Oh Yeah, loads.
b. Would it make you feel better if I said yes?
c. That depends on what you mean by love.
d. Does it matter?
e. Who, me?
Question # 3: Do I look fat?
The correct answer is an emphatic: "Of course not!"
Among the incorrect answers are:
a. Compared to what?
b. I wouldn't call you fat, but you're not exactly thin.
c. A little extra weight looks good on you.
d. I've seen fatter.
e. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.
Question # 4: Do you think she's prettier than me?
Once again, the proper response is always: "Of course not!"
Incorrect responses include:
a. Yes, but you have a better personality.
b. Not prettier, but definitely thinner.
c. Not as pretty as you when you were her age.
d. Define pretty..
e. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.
Question# 5: What would you do if I died?
A definite no-win question.
(The real answer, of course, is "Buy a Corvette!")
1. What are you thinking about?
2. Do you love me?
3. Do I look fat?
4. Do you think she is prettier than me?
5. What would you do if I died?
What makes these questions so difficult is that each one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument if the man answers incorrectly (i.e. tells the truth). Therefore, as a public service, each question is analyzed below, along with possible responses.
Question # 1: What are you thinking about?
The proper answer to this, of course, is: "I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman you are, and how lucky I am to have met you."
This response obviously bears no resemblance to the true answer, which most likely is one of the following:
a. Baseball.
b. Football.
c. How fat you are.
d. How much prettier she is than you.
e. How I would spend the insurance money if you died.
(Perhaps the best response to this question was offered by Al Bundy, who once told Peg, "If I wanted you to know what I was thinking, I would be talking to you!")
Question # 2: Do you love me?
The proper response is: "YES!" or, if you feel a more detailed answer is in order, "Yes, dear."
Inappropriate responses include:
a. Oh Yeah, loads.
b. Would it make you feel better if I said yes?
c. That depends on what you mean by love.
d. Does it matter?
e. Who, me?
Question # 3: Do I look fat?
The correct answer is an emphatic: "Of course not!"
Among the incorrect answers are:
a. Compared to what?
b. I wouldn't call you fat, but you're not exactly thin.
c. A little extra weight looks good on you.
d. I've seen fatter.
e. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.
Question # 4: Do you think she's prettier than me?
Once again, the proper response is always: "Of course not!"
Incorrect responses include:
a. Yes, but you have a better personality.
b. Not prettier, but definitely thinner.
c. Not as pretty as you when you were her age.
d. Define pretty..
e. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.
Question# 5: What would you do if I died?
A definite no-win question.
(The real answer, of course, is "Buy a Corvette!")
RabidAlien
1st Lieutenant
- Thread starter
- #5,427
Canberra Man
Airman
We were on detachment in Malaya and the Canberra's are returning from a mission, they have landed and are proceeding round the peri track. I pick mine out and turn him in to the dispersal pan. Signal to stop and open bomb doors with an armourer standing by in case of a hang up, no hang up, worse. As the bomb doors open, a thousand pound bomb squeezes through the gap and crunches onto the tarmac and sits there glaring at us, we didn't know wether to lie down or run! Then we realised, the bomb hadn't fallen far enough to arm. Fun over for the day. The aircrew must have wondered what was wrong, with the ground crew in little groups counting their worry beasds!!
Ken
Ken
vikingBerserker
Lieutenant General
Holy <bleep>!
RabidAlien
1st Lieutenant
Dang. Definitely time for a change of undies!!!!
Matt308
Glock Perfection
Donald Duck and Daisy Duck were spending the night together in a hotel room and Donald wanted to have sex with Daisy.
The first thing Daisy asked was, "Do you have a condom?"
Donald frowned and said, "No."
Daisy told Donald that if he didn't get a condom, they could not have sex.
"Maybe they sell them at the front desk," she suggested.
So Donald went down to the lobby and asked the hotel clerk if they had condoms.
"Yes, we do," the clerk said and pulled a box out from under the counter and gave it to Donald.
The clerk asked, "Would you like me to put them on your bill?"
"Thit No!" Donald quacked, "I'll thuffocate!"
The first thing Daisy asked was, "Do you have a condom?"
Donald frowned and said, "No."
Daisy told Donald that if he didn't get a condom, they could not have sex.
"Maybe they sell them at the front desk," she suggested.
So Donald went down to the lobby and asked the hotel clerk if they had condoms.
"Yes, we do," the clerk said and pulled a box out from under the counter and gave it to Donald.
The clerk asked, "Would you like me to put them on your bill?"
"Thit No!" Donald quacked, "I'll thuffocate!"
Aaron Brooks Wolters
Brigadier General
Crimea_River
Marshal
vikingBerserker
Lieutenant General
LMAO!
ToughOmbre
Senior Master Sergeant
I gave up drinking beer on Christmas day..........
It was the worst 15 minutes of my life!
TO
It was the worst 15 minutes of my life!
TO
vikingBerserker
Lieutenant General
Aaron Brooks Wolters
Brigadier General
Well, at least you tried TO.
