Quotes and Jokes (1 Viewer)

[Wayne Little]

A man woke up one morning to find a gorilla on his roof, so he looked in the yellow pages and sure enough, there was an ad for "Gorilla Removers" He called the number, and the gorilla remover said he'd be there in 30 minutes.
The gorilla remover arrived with a van containing a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean little dog.
"What are you going to do?" the homeowner asked
"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and knock the gorilla off the roof with this baseball bat. When the gorilla falls off, the little dog is trained to grab his testicles and not let go. The gorilla will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van."
He handed the shotgun to the homeowner. Who asked, "What's the shotgun for?"
"If the gorilla knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog."

 

[RabidAlien]

As an IT guy myself (at least, I pretend really well), I found this in my daily desk calendar and found it to be soooo frikkin true:

 

[ToughOmbre]

Short and to the point...

Christmas Lights

I love Christmas Lights,

They remind me of politicians!

They all hang together,

Half the suckers don't work,

and the ones that do aren't that bright!

TO

 

[vikingBerserker]

LMAO

 

[Aaron Brooks Wolters]

 

[Wayne Little]

Sounds about right

 

[Gnomey]

 

[Wayne Little]

Top Ten Things You'd Rather Not Overhear from the Cockpit


10. "The union president called - he said the pilots' strike starts IMMEDIATELY."

9. "We'll just ask the flight attendant to wake us up when we get there."

8. "My name is Forrest Gump - people call me Forrest Gump."

7. "Hey, Jim, do you remember where we're going?"

6. "Buckle your seat belt - I'm going to try something I saw in a cartoon."

5. "Bye, bye, Miss American Pie..."

4. "Wow, we're sure a lot lighter now that we dropped that second engine!"

3. "Only 500 more flight hours, and I'll get my license!"

2. "They say this plane practically flies itself. Good thing, huh?"

1. "TODAY WE DIE FOR ALLAH!"

 

[Gnomey]

 

[vikingBerserker]

 

[Wayne Little]

A 6-year-old and a 4-year-old are upstairs in their bedroom. "You know what?" says the 6-year-old. "I think it's about time we start cussing." The 4-year-old nods his head in approval. The 6-year-old continues. "When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm gonna say "Hell" and you say "Ass." "OK!" The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.

Their mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6-year-old what he wants for
breakfast..... "Aw Hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios." WHACK..! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear every step. The mom locks him in his room shouts "You can just stay there till I let you out!"

She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4-year-old, and asks with a stern voice,
"And what do YOU want for breakfast young man...?" "I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your fat ass it won't be Cheerios......

 

[vikingBerserker]

LMAO!

 

[Aaron Brooks Wolters]

 

[RabidAlien]

Brothers....

 

[Wayne Little]

WHERE WOULD YOU BE IF:


YOU HAD ALL THE MONEY YOUR HEART DESIRES

YOU HAD NO WORRIES

YOU COME HOME AND THE FINEST MEAL
IS AWAITING YOU...

YOUR BATHWATER HAS BEEN RUN...

YOU HAVE THE PERFECT KIDS...

YOUR BEAUTIFUL PARTNER IS AWAITING YOU WITH OPEN ARMS AND KISSES...

SO WHERE WOULD YOU BE?










??????









In the wrong

Freakin house!!!

THATS WHERE...

 

[Aaron Brooks Wolters]

Little Johnny gets a train set for Christmas and sets it up in his room. It has all of the amenities and gadgets that kid could possibly want.
A few days after he gets it set up like he starts playing with it. Well, his mom has not heard from him for some time and decides to check on him to see
just what he's up to. She get to the door, which is shut, and hears him talking, so she stands outside the door to listen.
She hears the train going around the track and can hear it slow down. Then it stops and Johnny says" All you M Fs wanting off the train get off, all you MFs wanting on, get on". Well, his mother cant's believe what she has just heard so to make sure she stands there awhile longer and again, the train pulls into the
station and stops and Johnny again says "All you MFs wanting off the train get off, and all" just then his mother bursts into the room and, grabs him up off the floor and drags him to the kitchen where she drops him in a chair at the table and tells him that if that he is to sit there until she says otherwise. Well three hours go by and finally his mother comes in and says "Do you think you can go back and play nicely without cussing". To which Johnny replies "Yes mam." So she lets him go back to his room. Well, Johnny lets the train run for about ten minutes when he finally decides to stop at the station where upon he says. All you MFs wanting off, get off, all you MFs wanting on, get on, and all you MFs complaining about the three hour delay, speak to the b!t( in the kitchen!

 

[Gnomey]

 

[RabidAlien]

Sadly, true.

 

[RabidAlien]

(got this in an email today...I work in IT, and have absolutely no problem believing these happened)



Tech Support


Support: What kind of computer do you have?
Customer: A white one.
..............................................
.
Customer: Hi, this is Celine. I can't get my DVD
out !!!

Tech Support:
Have you tried pushing the button?

Customer:
Yes, I'm sure it's really stuck.
Tech Support: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note.
Customer: No, wait a minute, I hadn't inserted it
yet. It's still on my desk .

. . . sorry. Thank you.
..............................................
.
Tech Support: Click on the 'MY COMPUTER' icon on the
left of the screen.
Customer: Your left or my left?
...............................................
.
Tech Support: Hello. How may I help you?
Male Customer: Hi . . . I can't print.
Tech Support: Would you click on 'START' for me and . . .
Customer: Listen pal; don't start getting technical on
me. I'm not Billi Gates!!!
..............................................
.
Customer: Good afternoon, this is Martha. I can't
print.

Every time I try, it says . . . 'CAN'T FIND PRINTER'.
I even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but
the computer still says it can't find it!!!
..............................................
.
Customer: I have problems printing in red.
Tech Support: Do you have a color printer?
Customer: Aaaah . . . . . . . . . . thank you.
..............................................
.
Tech

Support: What's on your monitor now, ma'am?
Customer: A teddy bear that my boyfriend bought for
me at the 7-11 store.
..............................................
.
Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.
Tech Support: Are you sure your keyboard is plugged
into the computer?
Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.
Tech Support: Pick up your keyboard and take ten
steps backwards.
Customer: Okay.
Tech Support: Did the keyboard come with you?
Customer: Yes.
Tech Support: That means the keyboard is not plugged
in. Is there another keyboard?
Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Wait a
moment please. . . . . . . Ah, that one does work.
Thanks.
...............................................
.
Tech Support: Your password is the small letter 'a' as in
apple, a capital letter 'V' as in Victor, and the number '7'.
Customer: Is that '7' in capital letters?
...............................................
.
Customer: I can't get on the internet.
Tech Support: Are you absolutely sure you used the
correct password?
Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my co-worker do it.
Tech Support: Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer: Five dots.
..............................................
.
Tech Support: What anti-virus program do you use?
Customer: Netscape.
Tech Support: That's not an anti-virus program.
Customer: Oh, sorry . . . Internet Explorer.
...............................................
.
Customer: I have a huge problem! My friend has
placed a screen saver on my computer . . . but,
every time I move my mouse, it disappears.
..............................................
.
Tech Support: How may I help you?
Customer: I'm writing my first email.
Tech Support: OK, and what seems to be the problem?
Customer: Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address,
but how do I get the little circle around it.
..............................................
.
A woman customer called the Canon help desk because
she had a problem with her printer........
Tech Support: Are you running it under windows?
Customer: No, my desk is next to the door, but that
is a good point. The man sitting next to me is by
a window, and his printer is working fine!
..............................................
.
.And last, but not least . . .
.
Tech Support: Okay Bob, press the control and escape
keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the
middle of the screen. Now, type the letter 'P' to bring
up the Program Manager.
Customer: I don't have a 'P'.
Tech Support: On your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: What do you mean?
Tech Support: 'P' . . . on your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: I AM NOT GOING TO DO THAT!!!

 

[Airframes]

Brilliant !