Your Funny, Humorous or Incredible Military Stories

evangilder said:

Whether true or not, I heard this during the cold war. An F-4 scrambled to intercept a Russian Bear bomber. As the two flew closely together, one of the Bear crewman flashed up a Russian pinup girl, described as chubby and pasty. The Russian says over the radio "This is most beautiful woman in Soviet Union". The back seater in the F-4 pulls out a Playboy, flashes up the centerfold and replies "This is the ugliest woman in America, perhaps you defect, comrade".

Like I said, I can't verify it's authenticity, but I laughed my azz off when I heard it.

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What i heard when working in the Norad enviroment was that the Russian held up next months playboy it hadn't yet made the newstands

ccheese said:

I hear you Matt…. Unfortunately, all of us with stories to tell, also remember the
ones that are not funny, some are deadly serious.

Charles

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Sorrowful story, CC, and certainly one for the annals of history.

But wrong thread. I was hoping we could compartmentalize the anguish and tragedy of the warfighter, and for a fleeting moment, capture the irony one finds in those trained to kill encountering humour in their endeavors. If you can find the time to relate some of yours, I would appreciate reading them. I had no intention of resurrecting painful memories. Sorry.

Wow Charles, thanks for that story...
Scary stuff! Very moving.

Was that Mt Etna?

I'm glad u made it.

.

Indeed a powerful story. And to Danny Mannus Thanks for taking care of Charles, and the rest.

Here here... Charles, u are indeed one lucky bastard....

Matt308 said:

Sorrowful story, CC, and certainly one for the annals of history.

But wrong thread. I was hoping we could compartmentalize the anguish and tragedy of the warfighter, and for a fleeting moment, capture the irony one finds in those trained to kill encountering humour in their endeavors. If you can find the time to relate some of yours, I would appreciate reading them. I had no intention of resurrecting painful memories. Sorry.

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Matt: Was not aware there was another thread for the events that get put
in the back of our minds, but can be recalled in an instant. I did not know
any of the men on the plane, I seem to recall several USAF enlisted
personnel and a USAF Capt. but they were just faces, no names. I'm a
sentimental old guy anyway, and the joy of seeing Danny get that medal
made it all somehow better. I don't know who recommended him for the
medal, but I was interviewed three different times in less than a week,
while I was in the hospital, concerning his lifesaving act. I hope what I
told them had some bearing on the final outcome. This is not a painful
memory, per se, but it is something I'll never forget. I young man in the
right place, at the right time...... who had the where-with-all to do the
right thing. That's what's important.....

Charles

lesofprimus said:

Here here... Charles, u are indeed one lucky bastard....

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No ****. Better to be lucky than good.

On a differnent note, I do remember a girl who was getting her pilot's lisence the same time I was who managed to get lost while flying in the traffic pattern. Keep in mind, the pattern is always supposed (SUPPOSED) to be on your left side (most of the time) as you do your bumps and runs.

She got lost in a pattern west of Philadelphia and by the time they found her she was just about to Baltimore.

Our boss in the tower had a ritual that every morning upon arrival he'd piss over the tower railing one morning the comm techs rigged up a galvanized metal sheet on the ground hooked up to a power source , when he peed the current climbed up that briny source shocking the boss after the scream he came in all wet with promises to get even

Two more. One I remember, the other I heard hanger flying.

First one is about a guy who was in Pilot training the same time I was. He was the airfield's official *******. Everybody hated him. Nothing nice to say about anyone, always complaining, just a royal pain in the ass. Unbeknownst to me, the instructors got together and decided to get rid of this guy.

One day, Mr. Pinhead shows up for his flying lesson. He and the instructor get into the 152 and away they go. 'Bout half an hour later, they come back, guy pays his bill, gets in his car and leaves. Find out later the instructor took him up to about 3500 ft, stalled the bird, kicked in full rudder and while in the middle of the spin turned to the guy and said, "I'm scared as hell and I don't know what I'm doing!".

Never saw him again.


The other story was during WW2 in Northern California. Back then, the Navy had Blimps that used to fly out of a base up there for Anti-Submarine work. Pretty boring stuff, just flying around over the ocean. Well, Northern California had a lot of groves of Fruit Trees as well. All of them were harvested by women as all the guys were off fighting in the war. One day, one of these blimp drivers on his way back from patrol starts buzzing around an orchard at low level and low speed, talking to the women on the ground and generally making a nuscence of himself. You can do that in a blimp.

Well the blimp has guide lines hanging down from it that people grab when it is trying to land. One of the more enterprising girls goes over to one of the guide lines (now dragging on the ground in the orchard as they were that low) and ties it off to one of the fruit tree. Now they have their own captive balloon over the orchard. The pilot firewalls asks them to let him go, they- having a good time with this- say no. He firewalls the engines to get away but no luck. Stuck, tied to the trees. Girls are laughing, pilot is bummed, engines at full power when a gust of wind comes along and gives the blimp that extra "umph" and that does it. The fruit tree comes out of the ground and away the blimp goes with a fruit tree tied to one of the guide ropes.

After that it ended predictable. Coming home with a tree attached to the guide ropes is not a good thing. Minor investigation which was forgotten and a stern notice not to go buzzing around at low level on your way too and from your patrol area.

Still, would've loved to have seen the blimp come in with a fruit tree attached. That must've been classic.

Heard from one of my airforce mates about how they brought a real arrogant guy in the neighbouring dorm down a peg or two...
This guy was so full of himself, I think just about every one hated his guts. The guys in his dorm put up with him for about a month before deciding enough was enough. They took him drinking (which was bloody risky, they'd have been in the s*** if the corporal's found out) and got him absolutely hammered. Soon after they brought him back to barracks he was out like a light. They stripped him, poured shaving foam around his ass and in the bed, and gave him a good hard kick up the ass....Comes next morning, and the poor guy wakes up with a mother of a hangover, an uncomfortable wet feeling between his legs, and a very sore ass...

It worked, and he turned out to be an alright guy once he lost the ego...!

Heard this one while I was at Balboa Naval Hospital, in 1967.

Seems a pilot had a beef with the railroad, I think the Sante Fe was
mentioned. One evening while flying around in the boonies, he spies
a passenger train hi-balling along. Pilot decides this is the time to get
even. Flies a few miles in front of the train, comes down to about
10-15 feet off the ground, flies down the track towards the train,
drops his landing gear and turns on the landing light. This aircraft only
had one, attached to the nose gear. When he zoomed over the train all he
saw was sparks coming from the wheels of the train. The engineer thinking
a train was coming at him locked the brakes, thereby damaging the wheels.

Charles

he he shaving cream

Naples Italy, 1991... Wonderful sh!thole....

There are many whores/prostitutes/hookers around the streets at night, especially around the Castle....

Some are trannies.....

After a solid night of wallowing in alchohol, strolling/staggering along back towards the ship, immediatly after having a HUGE brawl with some bouncers at this rip-off tittie bar, my buddy Prinky spots this trannie on the corner and says:

"10 bucks if I get the trannie to let me suck on his nipple..."

We were all laughin our asses off, thinkin he was kidding around.... Well, with my video camera rolling tape, he walked on over and started talking him/her/heshe up some...

Next thing u know, the trannie pulls down his top alittle bit, he starts squeezing the dudes nipple with his fingers.... Im dying at this stage, freakin dumbfounded by his show of insanity....

The Heshe was kinda skeptical about the camera on him/her and put the fake tittie away.... Prinky whispers some more sweet nothings and sure enough, 3 seconds later, he's got this dudes nipple in his mouth, suckin away like a baby on a pacifier....

It took my all to keep the camera on him.... He was the talk of SEAL Team 2 for awhile after that one... He never did live it down...

You are correct, Dan.... dear ole Napoli was a hell-hole. Seems everytime
we pulled into Naples, I'd have Shore Patrol..... almost always at the E.M.
Club. A fight would start and we'd decide this was the time to take 'a
break'. When there were only a couple left standing, we'd wade in with night
sticks.... being careful to strike a glancing blow.... then cart the bad asses off to the pokey.

Charles

Allright lets see:

While deployed to Kosovo we were asked by another Company Commander if we could fly him and his soldier on his soldiers reenlistment flight. Ofcourse we agreed to do so since we were allready going to be out doing a training flight in the NOE area.

After we preflighted the aircraft the Commander and his soldier came out to our aircraft and we gave them a passenger brief and the Commander asked us if he could hang the American flag over rear bulkhead so a picture could be taken in flight and if we could do a high hover over the Camp so that it would be in the background as well. We told him no problem.

After the soldier gets in the aircraft his commander than secretly comes over to us and asks us to give his soldier a "real" ride as a reward for reenlisting in the Army. We told him we will see what we can do.

So anyhow we get up to the high hover and the whole reenlistment ceremony is conducted and pictures and congratulations are made. We then turn out to the NOE training area. We are at about 2000ft and as we enter the pilot pulls us down into a dive and we start yanking and banking through the NOE area.

Now mind you we are not doing anything really crazy just a normal NOE flight. Well okay we might have been a bit aggressive because the Commander wanted us to give his soldier a "ride".

Anyhow about 2 minutes into the "ride" I notice a nasty smell. It smelled like sandwiches. I could really smell the white bread, cheese, and mayo. I then asked "Who the hell was eating lunch during a flight like this" because we were yanking and banking.

I then feel a tap on my shoulder from the other crew chief and he points back to the row of seats. I immediatly look at the soldier. I expected to see him puking his guts out. Nope, he was enjoying his flight with a big smile on his face and laughing and screaming to the ride. I then draw my attention to the "tough" commander and he is puking into a black trash bag!

Not just puking but projectile vomiting into the trash bag...

I let the pilots know and we pull up out of area and head back to camp. As soon as we set down on the pad the commander jumps out of his seat and takes off running.

We returned his M-16 to him in his office about an hour later....

He had completely forgotten it in the aircraft!

Tomorrow you will get the story about the Dildo on the nose door....

lesofprimus said:

Naples Italy, 1991... Wonderful sh!thole....

There are many whores/prostitutes/hookers around the streets at night, especially around the Castle....

Some are trannies.....

After a solid night of wallowing in alchohol, strolling/staggering along back towards the ship, immediatly after having a HUGE brawl with some bouncers at this rip-off tittie bar, my buddy Prinky spots this trannie on the corner and says:

"10 bucks if I get the trannie to let me suck on his nipple..."

We were all laughin our asses off, thinkin he was kidding around.... Well, with my video camera rolling tape, he walked on over and started talking him/her/heshe up some...

Next thing u know, the trannie pulls down his top alittle bit, he starts squeezing the dudes nipple with his fingers.... Im dying at this stage, freakin dumbfounded by his show of insanity....

The Heshe was kinda skeptical about the camera on him/her and put the fake tittie away.... Prinky whispers some more sweet nothings and sure enough, 3 seconds later, he's got this dudes nipple in his mouth, suckin away like a baby on a pacifier....

It took my all to keep the camera on him.... He was the talk of SEAL Team 2 for awhile after that one... He never did live it down...

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That is just damn hilarious

So what happened to the tape?

Good One, Chris.... it's usually the "hardened commanders" that can't handle
a few maneuvers....

Charles

I still have the tape, ol VHS style.... I havent looked at it in a decade, but now that Im reminiscing, I gotta pull it out now, just to see that sh!t eatin grin Prinky had on his face...

Thats a great story Chris... I like the part about the dude sittin there hootin and a hollerin.... I know that feeling...

Not quite on the topic, but thought ya's would like this...

Extract from a schoolboy's essay (from RNZAFA News, 1986):

I want to be a pilot when I grow up because it is a fun job and easy to do. That is why there are so many pilots flying today. Pilots don't need much school, they just have to learn numbers so that they can read instruments. I guess they should be able to read road maps so they won't get lost. Pilots should be brave so they won't get scared if it's foggy and they can't see or if a wing or motor falls off they should stay calm so they will know what to do. Pilots have to have good eyes to see through clouds and they can't be afraid of thunder or lightning because they are closer to them than we are. The salary pilots make is another thing I like. They make more than they can spend. This is because most people think plane flying is dangerous except pilots don't because they know how easy it is. There isn't much I don't like except girls. girls like pilots and all stewardesses want to marry pilots so they always have to chase them away so they don't bother them. I hope I don't get air sick because I get car sick, and if I get air sick I couldn't be a pilot and then I would have to go to work.