Your Funny, Humorous or Incredible Military Stories

[pbfoot]

I had just finished basic and was sent to an Comox BC for on the job training prior to my trades course . I arrived to the section and was ordered to a section party I was petrified of anybody above my little rank I don't think I'd ever talked to an officer at this point. Well at the party I was force fed far to much booze and while stumbling home to the barracks was stopped by the MPs . Well they asked me if I wanted to go to the barracks or jail and being more then tipsy said it doesn't matter . Well to jail I went. Early the next am i was awoken by a screaming MP sergeant (this high rank scared me) and he said get to the barracks get in your best uniform and report to the Major of my section I ran to the barracks changed etc and ran to the section .I arrived and the WO not uttering a word marched me into the into the majors office and with the called halt. I raised my leg in the prescribed manner as to come to attention well the knee hit under the desk a lifted it up , drawers opened papers spilled on the Majors lap . I am now utterly petrified
the major looked at me with a steely eye and said "last night was not part of the prescribed training and for your punishment you will get go and report to 407 sqn for whatever punishment they deem .
I left the office petrified as to what punishment they could hand down to make along story short the sqn told me to go to the barracks a pack a bag with enough several days and upon returning with my bag was given orders to go on a familiarization flight to Hawaii. I flew there in an Argus probably one of the few NATO aircraft with a clear nose , it was my seat and the aircraft was never above 200ft the whole way , flew over pods of whales , ships you name it best aircraft ride of my life .
It turns out the whole thing was a set up right from the start a welcome to the real world after basic . Great boss and section

 

[A4K]

Good stuff, guys !

While reading Pb's comment remembered some of the tricks people would play on lower ranks in the Air Force.

One of the best was when one of the guys was sent to the other side of the base (a long walk round the airfield) for "a long weight" -as he understood it.. Well, as you can imagine when he got to the explosives depot, they heard what he was after, and just said "Okay". He was there for about half an hour before finally asking where the 'long weight' was. "What do you mean ?' they asked, 'half an hour's not enough ?" - he was sent for a 'long wait', of course.

My favourite though was when a mate of mine (an Avtech...) was sent round the base for a tin of 'red and yellow striped paint' -the poor bugger was shunted off to about 6 different locations before someone kindly told him it was a joke! He was very clued up on Avionics equipment, but not so with more domestic products...

 

[ccheese]

My favourite though was when a mate of mine (an Avtech...) was sent round the base for a tin of 'red and yellow striped paint' -the poor bugger was shunted off to about 6 different locations before someone kindly told him it was a joke! He was very clued up on Avionics equipment, but not so with more domestic products...

In the US Navy, especially on board a ship, it's common to send a boot
to the First Lt's office for "10 fathoms of waterline", or to the engine
room for "a bucket of steam".

Charles

 

[DBII]

Go down to the motor pool for a thousand meters of grid line. And while you are there, check the air pressure in the road wheels of the tank (It is solid rubber).

DBII

 

[davparlr]

I hear you Matt…. Unfortunately, all of us with stories to tell, also remember the
ones that are not funny, some are deadly serious.

I was
sitting just aft of the double cargo doors on the starboard side, right next
to a Marine LCpl named Danny Mannus, from Tuscaloosa, Alabama. He was
returning to Italy from a holiday of scuba diving in the waters around Tripoli.

Charles

Great story Charles. Sad about the lost passengers and crew.

Scuba, 1955, wow, the early days of scuba.

 

[davparlr]

Well, being a snake bit pilot, I have a few stories, some funny, some you may find interesting. First, just for Mloby, I will start off with Marine stories (I've told these before).

In pilot training we had four Marine pilots in our AF class. Apparently, they were overflows from Navy training. This was a good deal for them since, because the AF trained in the T-38, they automatically were assign to F-4s when they graduated. Two were pretty sharp, but two were not the brightest bulb in the package, in fact one barely glowed orange. This one had a couple interesting events. He certainly drew attention to himself when he entered initial at 500 ft, effectively buzzing the field. The second funny event occurred when he was out flying solo in the T-38. He called up Kansas City Center saying that he was on the Kingfisher radial 270 at 52 miles and was lost (this means he told center exactly where he was). Those two Marines finished last in the class and I heard later that they were changed to C-130s.

Now one of my exploits.

I was on my initial line check for upgrade to aircraft commander. Upgrade requires a local check, which verifies flying abiltiy and emergency handling ability, and a line check which verifies ones ability to manage a mission. My copilot was already an aircraft commander on an annual line check. The flight examiner was in the jump seat. The flight engineer was a trainee and the instrutor engineer was off intercom. We had taken off from Kadena AB in Okinawa enroute to Thailand, most likely Udorn, an F-4 strike base. The weather was typical Okinawa weather, hot and humid with cumulus clouds all about. As we were climbing out, going in and out of clouds, the flight examiner decided to get up and go to the john (we could do that on the C-141). Right after he left, the number three engine decided to misbehave. All vertical scale engine indicators for number three were bouncing up and down and we were getting a bit of aircraft shudder, all indications of engine failure. This was confirmed by both the copilot and engineer (trainee). Emergency procedures: Throttle idle, Fire handle pull. About the time the engine was shut down, the instructor engineer had gotten on the intercom and said that nothing was wrong. The engine anti-ice, which dumps hot bleed air into the engine (I think take offs with visible moisture required engine anti-ice) was causing the engine to stall. All we needed to do was to turn off the anti-ice (nothing the manuals about this-an old crewmember wisdom). So we initiated a engine start in-flight check list and the engine came back on line. About that time, the instructor came back and had no idea anything went on (I guess he thought some aircraft shudder was normal with students on board!) We did tell him and he told us we were lucky the engine started or he would have got to evaluate a three-engine approach into Kadena.

In my next stories, I will tell you about how I got Squadron Training in touble with the new Squadron Commander. And, then how I was able to be the cause of McGuire AFB failing a Operational Readiness Inspection (ORI). All important entries into my Squadron reputation. The lesson to be learned from these is, don't be in the wrong place at the wrong time.

 

[Matt308]

I'm going to congratulate (self flaggelate?) myself for such an enlightening thread. You guys are making this a classic. I am utterly amused with your tales. Well done, gents.

 

[davparlr]

Post two. Don't be in the wrong place at the wrong time.

Example one. After the initial line check (see above post), a new aircraft commander is assigned a "buddy" ride with an experienced aircraft commander as a copilot. Of course, me, being snake bit, drew as my aircraft commander copilot "buddy", the brand spanking new Squadron Commander! Not good. We went on a relatively short Stateside mission called a special mission. All went well and I got along okay with my new Squadron Commander. After we returned, in the crew bus, he asked me where were the special mission documents. Uh-oh. I had never heard of a special mission document before. He pulled them out and started to explain to me what they were about. Then the loadmaster jumped up and said "so there they are, I have been looking for them the whole flight". It seems our squadron's policy was for the loadmaster to fill them out and we were never briefed on them. Needless to say, the new Squadron Commander had a serious discussion with our Squadron Training department. It wasn't a big deal, but every pilot in the Squadron knew my name.

Example two, BIG DEAL. All aircraft commanders were required to intermittently pull Supervisor of Flying (SOF) which was basically an expediter. He drove around in a car and checked to make sure everything was flowing smoothly; making sure aircraft about to be launch had required fuel, maintenance, etc. I pulled SOF. On my pre-briefing, with the Deputy Chief of Operations (DCO), which was really unusual, I learned that McGuire was expecting an Operational Readiness Inspection (ORI), which was a big deal and affected the evaluation of the top base and wing command. Again, uh-oh. I was told that if I was approached and was instructed about some sort of event, look up what I should do in the SOF instruction book. Okay, I can do that, and I charged off. Sure enough, as I was driving around this full bird colonel waved me down, got into my car and handed me a note. "This is an ORI, at the end of the runway with engines running is a T-29 and it has been high jacked, what are you going to do?" Ah-ha, I told him that I would look it up in my book. So I looked. Hmmmm, nothing on high jacking (did I ever tell you that I was snake bit). So, being a well trained aircraft commander, I told the colonel that, having no guidance, I would rely on my MAC manual 55-1, operating procedure (for aircrew). It said that if an aircraft was high jacked the crew would request (by moving surfaces) for different type of assistance. So I drove out to the runway, and sure enough, a T-29 was setting there with engines running. We sat there for a few minutes awaiting for some clue from the crew when, all of a sudden mayhem broke out, Air Police, fire trucks, ice cream trucks, every thing, came flying all around us. The colonel turned to me and said, do you think that aircraft could have taken off by now. I said, sure, it had plenty of time. He said I am going to call this off before an accident happens. I had a bad feeling about that. We failed the ORI. Needless to say, I visited the DCO again to explain myself. It seems the SOF was supposed to physically prevent a high jacked aircraft from taking off by pulling in front of the nose wheels. Well, of course, since I had not been instructed properly nor was instruction in the book, nothing really happened to me. However, my reputation at the squadron was added to.

I never really trusted that 55-1 any more.

Next Post, some interesting missions.

 

[A4K]

Interesting stuff, mate! Keep 'em coming!

 

[Captain Dunsel]

I had my fun with the inspectors when I was a very junior 2Lt at the Barksdale AFB headquarters of 8th AF. I'd been in the AF for about 5 years, most of them as an enlisted Weather Observer at Griffiss AFB, NY. Then, after getting my degree and a commission via the AF, I was assigned to the 8th AF Weather Support Unit (WSU). Our primary job was to brief the 3-star general commanding 8th AF and his staff on weather throughout 8th AF's area of responsibility. That briefing, done every weekday morning, was started by the mid-shift forecaster, then finished and presented by the day-shift forecaster. It was always a whirlwind of activity, as we had to prepare slides and a briefing book for our full-bird Squadron Commander to use when the 3-star was briefed. If there were any slip-ups, the Squadron Commander had to buy a round of drinks at the O'Club for the General's staff, so we were under a LOT of pressure to make those briefings as perfect as possible.

Consider, too, that as we were finishing up the briefing, we also had to run real-world stuff. Thunderstorms in a low-level route? Have to make calls and recommendations to the controllers. Lots of stuff to make the mornings very, very busy.

I knew I was in for some trouble when I saw the Lt. Col. weather guy on the Wing inspection come walking into our office as I was working on some slides. He stood there as his cohort, a Major, dropped an index card into my lap with a scenario of some disaster. I forget what it was, but I recall that it would have mandated my being very, very busy doing that task when I had the big briefing to prepare. So, I handed the card back to the Major and politely told him I couldn't do it as I had real-world matters to prepare. The two just stared at me.

I (again, politely) suggested that I could call in my supervisor and some of the regular day-shifters to help with the exercise, but that I had to get my Colonel's briefing ready. Remember, the inspection was only for Weather and the rest of 8th AF had no part in it. Think the 3-star would care if his weather weenies were getting inspected? Hah!

As it was almost time for the rest of the day shifters to arrive, I suggested that they wait a few minutes for them to come in. They fussed and fumed, but agreed to wait.

Within a few minutes, my Lt. Col. supervisor came in. When I briefed him on what was happening, he let me keep working on the briefing and took care of the exercise. Later, he told me that the two inspectors had griped to the Colonel because a mere 2LT had refused to drop his real-time job to do their exercise, but that the Colonel had told them where to stick it!

CD

 

[davparlr]

This site has some really great stories. This story is a bit off topic but I think you will find it interesting.

Missions

Strangest mission. I was the copilot. We launched out of McGuire northward toward Canada and on to Thule, Greenland. Leaving Thule, we continued northeast to a Danish weather station called Norde (Danish for north), which sits about 400 miles from the North Pole. Magnetic compasses did not work and we had to shift to direct gyro settings with the navigator giving us direction. Norde was like a science fiction movie (The Thing) site. The runway was an area of smoothed out snow with barrels outlining a runway. The weather station was on a slight snow covered hill and consisted of little huts with various antennas projecting from their roofs.

Cargo: Frozen dinners

Most famous mission. McGuire had the mission to provide Presidential support which required a C-141 on alert continuously while the President was in Washington. We transported the limousine (it weighs 12000 lbs) and Secret Service to wherever the President was going. Aircrews rotated pulling alert, alpha (three hour launch? My memory is weak) pulled at the BOQ, or bravo (twelve hour launch?), pulled at home. But, because we always had an alert bird, these missions often supported emergency actions.

October 10, my birthday. I was on alpha alert. I had reputation of always launching and sure enough we got alerted for launch. The first indication that this was not going to be a normal mission was when my loadmaster informed me that they were loading fork lifts on the aircraft incorrectly, not placing plywood down to distribute the weight. When I informed the ops officer, I was instructed not to worry, all waivers would be given. I was to get the bird off the ground. Not knowing what our mission was, we took off. We flew to Harrisburg, Pa. and the second unusual event occurred. Harrisburg was closed but they opened it for us. We landed and the only person on the field was in the tower. We were told to park on a taxiway next to some trucks. Our crew was to unload the trucks and load the aircraft with the previously loaded fork lifts. Crew members almost never manually load the aircraft. After loading for a while, I got a call from the tower. Someone from the Joint-Chiefs-of-Staff (this is right below the Secretary of Defense, also, very unusual) wanted to talk to me. After anxiously climbing up the tower, I was told to get the aircraft off the ground, to which I responded that we were loading the plane by hand and we would be leaving soon. We took off and headed for Oceania NAS, Virginia (two parallel runway, one is 12000 ft long). On landing on the short runway, we were told to taxi to the end of the runway and shut down (another strange request, nobody shuts down on a runway). We complied and noticed that, sitting on the parallel runway next to us was a Boeing 707 completely covered in wrapping paper. It looked like a big package. The loading doors were open, however, and we could read on the inside, EL AL. The load we were carrying was 40,000 lbs of Shrike missiles (anti-radar missiles). They loaded up the Boeing, which already had a load of Sidewinders, with the Shrikes, and took off. The Boeing used the entire length of field to take off. The year of course, was 1973.

When we returned home to McGuire, I turned on the news with Walter Conkrite and he started off his news with "Today, the US provided its first support mission for Israel. This is a Boeing 747 (newsmen know beans about airplanes) taking off to fly to Israel with a load of US arms" (paraphrased), and, shown on TV, was my C-141 taking off back to N.J. I'm a TV star!

Next, more interesting missions. Hint, if you have to alert your enlisted crew in the NCO club, you can bet this flight will be interesting.

 

[Matt308]

Well hurry up then!

 

[pbfoot]

Also an event that took placein an opeval (ori) we had intruders in the tower and they wanted to take control . Siting in the corner of the tower cab was a over and under shotgun which we used with noise makers to scare birds . The intruders were some grunts and were totally shocked when the Satco came out with the shotgun ending the excercise prematurely

 

[davparlr]

Also an event that took placein an opeval (ori) we had intruders in the tower and they wanted to take control . Siting in the corner of the tower cab was a over and under shotgun which we used with noise makers to scare birds . The intruders were some grunts and were totally shocked when the Satco came out with the shotgun ending the excercise prematurely

I'll bet!

 

[Matt308]

Game over. Shotguns tend to have demanding attention. Especially when you are staring down the wrong end.

 

[comiso90]

As a newbie at Comiso Air Station in Sicily, I was excited to indulge in my new favorite sport - SCUBA diving. A couple of people who had been there for a while offered to show me a new SCUBA spot they were anxious to try called "Porto Paolo." I mentioned Porto Paolo to some other co-workers and they warned me against going. "Porto Paolo? you mean porta potty! they're messing with you, they dump raw sewage there." I shared this concern with the people that I was going diving with and they said that they were just messing with the new guy. "Don't listen to them, Porto Paolo is a great place to dive." Determined not to be the subject of any hazing, I decided that if the people were willing to go with me, how bad could it be??????

I went diving there with my 2 guides and soon to be ex-friends.

20 minutes into the dive, and 30 feet down the water was unusually cloudy. Fragile, ribbony wisps of white paper floated buy. Strange clumpy material hung suspended in the water.

That old sinking feeling set in. I surfaced to get a better look. Twenty yards away, my fears were realized. There was a pipe dumping RAW SEWAGE. Bands of toilet paper stuck to our equipment. My god, was that disgu.sting!

Yes gentlemen, I have been diving in raw sewage!

One bright point, I found a gold necklace worth $1000 on the same dive! Still, I dont think it was worth it.

 

[Matt308]

And those Aholes went with you? And the joke was on whom?

 

[wilbur1]

And those Aholes went with you? And the joke was on whom?

Yea they were probably looking for that necklace

 

[comiso90]

And those Aholes went with you? And the joke was on whom?

They didnt know either. They over exaggerated their experience. they were horrified too.

I wanted to take a bath in clorox. For years if I need to makemyself puke, I'd think of that day!

.

 

[wilbur1]