B-17engineer
Colonel
I like the girl power and landing the plane.
"Step 3: Extend landing gear.--Shi-
"Step 3: Extend landing gear.--Shi-
Quotes and Jokes (4 Viewers)
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RabidAlien
1st Lieutenant
Great finds, BB!
Lucky13
Forum Mascot
Great stuff Maria!
Aaron Brooks Wolters
Brigadier General
Great stuff BB!!!
Excellent BB!
RabidAlien
1st Lieutenant
A big city California lawyer went duck hunting in rural Texas. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.
The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going into retrieve it."
The old farmer replied. "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."
The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the U.S. and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."
The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things in Texas. We settle small disagreements like this with the Texas Three Kick Rule."
The lawyer asked, "What is the Texas Three Kick Rule?"
The farmer replied, "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up."
The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.
The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city feller. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick landed square on the man's nose. The barrister was flat on his belly when the farmer's third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to give up.
The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, "Okay, you old coot, now it's my turn!"
The old farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck."
The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going into retrieve it."
The old farmer replied. "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."
The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the U.S. and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."
The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things in Texas. We settle small disagreements like this with the Texas Three Kick Rule."
The lawyer asked, "What is the Texas Three Kick Rule?"
The farmer replied, "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up."
The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.
The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city feller. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick landed square on the man's nose. The barrister was flat on his belly when the farmer's third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to give up.
The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, "Okay, you old coot, now it's my turn!"
The old farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck."
Read it many times...still love it...!
RabidAlien
1st Lieutenant
B-17engineer
Colonel
LMAO! RA that picture was funny.
Auravir
Airman 1st Class
RabidAlien
1st Lieutenant
After the president has been in office for 6 months it is customary for the last president to send a note of congratulations to the new one.
So yesterday when the note came from Bush to Obama, the president was somewhat troubled because it was written in code and all it said was:
370H-SSV-0773H
This troubled him as he had always heard from his peers how former president
Bush was perceived to have been scholarly challenged. So he took the note to
his wife. She was unable to decipher it. They called in the VP, and he was
unable to decode the message. They called in the chief of staff and the head of the Secret Service detail and they were unable to determine the meaning of the
note.
Next he called in the head of the Senate and Speaker of the House. They both
were mystified by the meaning of the coded message.
Now there was complete panic in the oval office. They called all of their
contacts in the media and sent copies of the note to all of them, and not one
was able to come up with an answer. A special emergency meeting was called by the staff. All branches of the military, counter intelligence, CIA, FBI were
called in, and the best minds were unable crack the code.
After a sleepless night, a now humbled President picked up the phone and called the former president, and asked him the meaning of the note.
Bush chuckled and replied: "Dude....You're holding it upside down!"
:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
An old country preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession. Like many young men his age, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem too concerned about it. One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table four objects:
1. A Bible.
2. A silver dollar.
3. A bottle of whiskey.
4. A Playboy magazine.
'I'll just hide behind the door," the old preacher said to himself. "When he comes home from school today, I'll see which object he picks up.
"If it's the Bible, he's going to be a preacher like me, and what a blessing that would be!
"If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a business man, and that would be okay, too.
"But if he picks up the bottle, he's going to be a no-good drunken bum, and Lord, what a shame that would be.
"And worst of all if he picks up that magazine he's going to be a skirt-chasing womanizer."
The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's foot-steps as he entered the house whistling and heading for his room. The boy tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room he spotted the objects on the table. With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them.
Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm. He picked up the silver dollar and dropped into his pocket. He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink, while he admired the magazine's centerfold.
"Lord have mercy," the old preacher disgustedly whispered. "He's gonna run for Congress..."
So yesterday when the note came from Bush to Obama, the president was somewhat troubled because it was written in code and all it said was:
370H-SSV-0773H
This troubled him as he had always heard from his peers how former president
Bush was perceived to have been scholarly challenged. So he took the note to
his wife. She was unable to decipher it. They called in the VP, and he was
unable to decode the message. They called in the chief of staff and the head of the Secret Service detail and they were unable to determine the meaning of the
note.
Next he called in the head of the Senate and Speaker of the House. They both
were mystified by the meaning of the coded message.
Now there was complete panic in the oval office. They called all of their
contacts in the media and sent copies of the note to all of them, and not one
was able to come up with an answer. A special emergency meeting was called by the staff. All branches of the military, counter intelligence, CIA, FBI were
called in, and the best minds were unable crack the code.
After a sleepless night, a now humbled President picked up the phone and called the former president, and asked him the meaning of the note.
Bush chuckled and replied: "Dude....You're holding it upside down!"
:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
An old country preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession. Like many young men his age, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem too concerned about it. One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table four objects:
1. A Bible.
2. A silver dollar.
3. A bottle of whiskey.
4. A Playboy magazine.
'I'll just hide behind the door," the old preacher said to himself. "When he comes home from school today, I'll see which object he picks up.
"If it's the Bible, he's going to be a preacher like me, and what a blessing that would be!
"If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a business man, and that would be okay, too.
"But if he picks up the bottle, he's going to be a no-good drunken bum, and Lord, what a shame that would be.
"And worst of all if he picks up that magazine he's going to be a skirt-chasing womanizer."
The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's foot-steps as he entered the house whistling and heading for his room. The boy tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room he spotted the objects on the table. With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them.
Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm. He picked up the silver dollar and dropped into his pocket. He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink, while he admired the magazine's centerfold.
"Lord have mercy," the old preacher disgustedly whispered. "He's gonna run for Congress..."
How to curb debt - simples
It is the month of August, on the shores of the Black Sea. It is raining, and the little town looks totally deserted.
It is tough times, everybody is in debt, and everybody lives on credit.
Suddenly, a rich tourist comes to town.
He enters the only hotel, lays a 100 Euro note on the reception counter, and goes to inspect the rooms upstairs in order to pick one.
The hotel proprietor takes the 100 Euro note and runs to pay his debt to the butcher.
The Butcher takes the 100 Euro note, and runs to pay his debt to the pig grower.
The pig grower takes the 100 Euro note, and runs to pay his debt to the supplier of his feed and fuel.
The supplier of feed and fuel takes the 100 Euro note and runs to pay his debt to the town prostitute that in these hard times, gave her service on credit.
The hooker runs to the hotel, and pays off her debt with the 100 Euro note to the hotel proprietor to pay for the rooms that she rented when she brought her clients there.
The hotel proprietor then lays the 100 Euro note back on the counter so that the rich tourist will not suspect anything.
At that moment, the rich tourist comes down after inspecting the rooms, and takes his 100 Euro note, after saying that he did not like any of the rooms, and leaves town.
No one earned anything. However, the whole town is now without debt, and looks to the future with a lot of optimism.
And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how the Western world is doing business today.
It is the month of August, on the shores of the Black Sea. It is raining, and the little town looks totally deserted.
It is tough times, everybody is in debt, and everybody lives on credit.
Suddenly, a rich tourist comes to town.
He enters the only hotel, lays a 100 Euro note on the reception counter, and goes to inspect the rooms upstairs in order to pick one.
The hotel proprietor takes the 100 Euro note and runs to pay his debt to the butcher.
The Butcher takes the 100 Euro note, and runs to pay his debt to the pig grower.
The pig grower takes the 100 Euro note, and runs to pay his debt to the supplier of his feed and fuel.
The supplier of feed and fuel takes the 100 Euro note and runs to pay his debt to the town prostitute that in these hard times, gave her service on credit.
The hooker runs to the hotel, and pays off her debt with the 100 Euro note to the hotel proprietor to pay for the rooms that she rented when she brought her clients there.
The hotel proprietor then lays the 100 Euro note back on the counter so that the rich tourist will not suspect anything.
At that moment, the rich tourist comes down after inspecting the rooms, and takes his 100 Euro note, after saying that he did not like any of the rooms, and leaves town.
No one earned anything. However, the whole town is now without debt, and looks to the future with a lot of optimism.
And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how the Western world is doing business today.
RabidAlien
1st Lieutenant
On a more serious note, keep running across this in the book I'm reading right now, "Between Silk and Cyanide" by Leo Marks:
(poem code written about his girlfriend, Ruth, after her death in a plane crash in Canada; given to Violette Szabo before parachuting into France 24 Mar 1944)
The life that I have
Is all that I have
And the life that I have
Is yours.
The love that I have
Of the life that I have
Is yours and yours and yours.
A sleep I shall have
A rest I shall have
Yet death will be but a pause.
For the peace of my years
In the long green grass
Will be yours and yours and yours.
Leo Marks
Dec 1943
(poem code written about his girlfriend, Ruth, after her death in a plane crash in Canada; given to Violette Szabo before parachuting into France 24 Mar 1944)
The life that I have
Is all that I have
And the life that I have
Is yours.
The love that I have
Of the life that I have
Is yours and yours and yours.
A sleep I shall have
A rest I shall have
Yet death will be but a pause.
For the peace of my years
In the long green grass
Will be yours and yours and yours.
Leo Marks
Dec 1943
WHAT GENDER IS IT?
ZIPLOC BAGS - male, because they hold everything in, but you can always see right through them.
SWISS ARMY KNIFE - male, because even though it appears useful for a wide variety of work, it spends most of its time just opening bottles.
KIDNEYS - female, because they always go to the bathroom in pairs.
SHOE - male, because it is usually unpolished, with its tongue hanging out.
COPIER - female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm up. Because it is an effective reproductive device when the right buttons are pushed. Because it can wreak havoc when the wrong buttons are pushed.
TIRE - male, because it goes bald and often is over inflated.
HOT AIR BALLOON - male, because to get it to go anywhere you have to light a fire under it...and, of course, there's the hot air part.
SPONGES - female, because they are soft and squeezable and retain water.
WEB PAGE - female, because it is always getting hit on.
SUBWAY - male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.
HOURGLASS - female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.
HAMMER - male, because it hasn't evolved much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.
REMOTE CONTROL - female... Ha! You thought I'd say male. But consider .
. . it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying.
ZIPLOC BAGS - male, because they hold everything in, but you can always see right through them.
SWISS ARMY KNIFE - male, because even though it appears useful for a wide variety of work, it spends most of its time just opening bottles.
KIDNEYS - female, because they always go to the bathroom in pairs.
SHOE - male, because it is usually unpolished, with its tongue hanging out.
COPIER - female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm up. Because it is an effective reproductive device when the right buttons are pushed. Because it can wreak havoc when the wrong buttons are pushed.
TIRE - male, because it goes bald and often is over inflated.
HOT AIR BALLOON - male, because to get it to go anywhere you have to light a fire under it...and, of course, there's the hot air part.
SPONGES - female, because they are soft and squeezable and retain water.
WEB PAGE - female, because it is always getting hit on.
SUBWAY - male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.
HOURGLASS - female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.
HAMMER - male, because it hasn't evolved much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.
REMOTE CONTROL - female... Ha! You thought I'd say male. But consider .
. . it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying.
vikingBerserker
Lieutenant General
LMAO
B-17engineer
Colonel
Nice Wayne
Stevie Wonder and Tiger Woods are in a bar. Woods turns to Wonder and says, "How's the singing career going?" Stevie Wonder replies, "Not too bad. How's the golf?" Woods replies, "Not too bad, I've had some problems with my swing, but I think I've got that right now." Stevie says, "I always find that when my swing goes wrong, I need to stop playing for a while and not think about it. Then, the next time I play, it seems to be all right." Tiger says, "You play golf?" Wonder says, "Oh, yes, I've been playing for years." Woods says, "But you're blind. How can you play golf if you can't
see?" Wonder replies, "I get my caddie to stand in the middle of the Fairway and call to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball towards him. Then, when I get to where the ball is, the caddie moves to the green or farther down the fairway and again I play the ball towards his voice." "But how do you putt?" asks Woods. "Well," says Stevie, "I get my caddie to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground and I just play the ball towards his voice." Woods asks, "What's your handicap?" Stevie says, "I'm a scratch golfer." Woods, incredulous, says to Stevie, "We've got to play a round sometime." Wonder replies, "Well, people don't take me seriously, so I only play for money, and never play for less than $10,000 a hole." Woods thinks about it and says, "OK, I'm game for that, when would you like to play?"
Stevie says, "Pick a night."
see?" Wonder replies, "I get my caddie to stand in the middle of the Fairway and call to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball towards him. Then, when I get to where the ball is, the caddie moves to the green or farther down the fairway and again I play the ball towards his voice." "But how do you putt?" asks Woods. "Well," says Stevie, "I get my caddie to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground and I just play the ball towards his voice." Woods asks, "What's your handicap?" Stevie says, "I'm a scratch golfer." Woods, incredulous, says to Stevie, "We've got to play a round sometime." Wonder replies, "Well, people don't take me seriously, so I only play for money, and never play for less than $10,000 a hole." Woods thinks about it and says, "OK, I'm game for that, when would you like to play?"
Stevie says, "Pick a night."
RabidAlien
1st Lieutenant
