Aaron Brooks Wolters
Brigadier General
Quotes and Jokes (1 Viewer)
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vikingBerserker
Lieutenant General
Nice!
wheelsup_cavu
1st Sergeant
8) Cool one RA.
Wheels
Wheels
8)
The dentist pulls out a numbing needle to give the man a shot. 'No way! No
needles. I hate needles' the patient said. The dentist starts to hook up
the nitrous oxide and the man objects. "I can't do the gas thing. The
thought of having the gas mask on is suffocating me!" The dentist then
asks the patient if he has any objection to taking a pill. "No objection,"
the patient says. "'I'm fine with pills." The dentist then returns and
says, "Here's a Viagra." The patient says, "Wow! I didn't know Viagra
worked as a pain killer!" "It doesn't," said the dentist, "but it's going
to give you something to hold on to when I pull your tooth."
needles. I hate needles' the patient said. The dentist starts to hook up
the nitrous oxide and the man objects. "I can't do the gas thing. The
thought of having the gas mask on is suffocating me!" The dentist then
asks the patient if he has any objection to taking a pill. "No objection,"
the patient says. "'I'm fine with pills." The dentist then returns and
says, "Here's a Viagra." The patient says, "Wow! I didn't know Viagra
worked as a pain killer!" "It doesn't," said the dentist, "but it's going
to give you something to hold on to when I pull your tooth."
RabidAlien
1st Lieutenant
The tragedy of Canada: They could have had French cuisine, British culture, and American technology. Instead, they ended up with British cuisine, American culture, and French technology.
Maestro
Master Sergeant
RabidAlien
1st Lieutenant
A Canadian friend of mine sent that to me. 
Aaron Brooks Wolters
Brigadier General
That was good Wayne, I really liked that one.
vikingBerserker
Lieutenant General
Nice (and true!)
Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 KPH. He says to himself, "this driver is just as dangerous as a speedster!"
So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. Approaching the
Car, he notices that there are five old ladies - two in the front seats and three in the back - wide eyed and white as ghosts.
The driver, obviously confused, says to him "Officer, I don't
Understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"
"Ma'am," the officer replies, "you weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers.."
"Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit
Exactly.. Twenty-two kilometres an hour!" the old woman says a bit proudly.
The Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that 22
Was the highway number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the
Woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.
"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask.. Is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't made a peep this whole time," the officer asks.
"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. We just got off Highway 189."
So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. Approaching the
Car, he notices that there are five old ladies - two in the front seats and three in the back - wide eyed and white as ghosts.
The driver, obviously confused, says to him "Officer, I don't
Understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"
"Ma'am," the officer replies, "you weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers.."
"Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit
Exactly.. Twenty-two kilometres an hour!" the old woman says a bit proudly.
The Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that 22
Was the highway number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the
Woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.
"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask.. Is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't made a peep this whole time," the officer asks.
"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. We just got off Highway 189."
RabidAlien
1st Lieutenant
diddyriddick
Staff Sergeant
Sorry if I put this in the wrong place. Hope ya'll like it. I stole it from another forum.
Here's one doing the rounds on sailing forums.
Admiral Nelson: "Order the signal, Hardy."
Captain Hardy: "Aye, aye sir."
Nelson: "Hold on, that's not what I dictated to Flags. What's the meaning of this?"
Hardy: "Sorry sir?"
Nelson (reading aloud): " England expects every person to do his or her duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability.' What gobbledegook is this?"
Hardy: "Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We're an equal Opportunities employer now. We had the devil's own job getting ' England ' past the censors, lest it be considered racist."
Nelson: "Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco.."
Hardy: "Sorry sir. All naval vessels have now been designated smoke-free working environments."
Nelson: "In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the mainbrace to steel the men before battle."
Hardy: "The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. Its part of the Government's policy on binge drinking."
Nelson: "Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it ... full speed ahead."
Hardy: "I think you'll find that there's a 4 knot speed limit in this stretch of water."
Nelson: "Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's nest please."
Hardy: "That won't be possible, sir."
Nelson: "What?"
Hardy: "Health and Safety have closed the crow's nest, sir. No harness; and they said that rope ladders don't meet regulations. They won't let anyone up there until a proper scaffolding can be erected."
Nelson: "Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay."
Hardy: "He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the foredeck, Admiral.."
Nelson: "Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd."
Hardy: "Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier-free environment for the differently abled."
Nelson: "Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse even to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of admiral by playing the disability card."
Hardy: "Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under represented in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency."
Nelson: "Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons."
Hardy: "A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and safety won't let the crew up the rigging without hard hats. And they don't want anyone breathing in too much salt - haven't you seen the adverts?"
Nelson: "I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy."
Hardy: "The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral."
Nelson: "What? This is mutiny!"
Hardy: "It's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of being charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There's a couple of legal-aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks."
Nelson: "Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?"
Hardy: "Actually, sir, we're not."
Nelson: "We're not?"
Hardy: "No, sir. The French and the Spanish are our European partners now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation."
Nelson: "But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil."
Hardy: "I wouldn't let the ship's diversity co-ordinator hear you saying that sir. You'll be up on disciplinary report."
Nelson: "You must consider every man an enemy, who speaks ill of your King."
Hardy: "Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age. Now put on your Kevlar vest; it's the rules. It could save your life"
Nelson: "Don't tell me - health and safety. Whatever happened to rum, sodomy and the lash?"
Hardy: "As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu! And there's a ban on corporal punishment."
Nelson: "What about sodomy?"
Hardy: "I believe that is now legal, sir."
Nelson: "In that case... kiss me, Hardy.."
Here's one doing the rounds on sailing forums.
Admiral Nelson: "Order the signal, Hardy."
Captain Hardy: "Aye, aye sir."
Nelson: "Hold on, that's not what I dictated to Flags. What's the meaning of this?"
Hardy: "Sorry sir?"
Nelson (reading aloud): " England expects every person to do his or her duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability.' What gobbledegook is this?"
Hardy: "Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We're an equal Opportunities employer now. We had the devil's own job getting ' England ' past the censors, lest it be considered racist."
Nelson: "Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco.."
Hardy: "Sorry sir. All naval vessels have now been designated smoke-free working environments."
Nelson: "In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the mainbrace to steel the men before battle."
Hardy: "The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. Its part of the Government's policy on binge drinking."
Nelson: "Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it ... full speed ahead."
Hardy: "I think you'll find that there's a 4 knot speed limit in this stretch of water."
Nelson: "Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's nest please."
Hardy: "That won't be possible, sir."
Nelson: "What?"
Hardy: "Health and Safety have closed the crow's nest, sir. No harness; and they said that rope ladders don't meet regulations. They won't let anyone up there until a proper scaffolding can be erected."
Nelson: "Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay."
Hardy: "He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the foredeck, Admiral.."
Nelson: "Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd."
Hardy: "Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier-free environment for the differently abled."
Nelson: "Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse even to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of admiral by playing the disability card."
Hardy: "Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under represented in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency."
Nelson: "Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons."
Hardy: "A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and safety won't let the crew up the rigging without hard hats. And they don't want anyone breathing in too much salt - haven't you seen the adverts?"
Nelson: "I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy."
Hardy: "The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral."
Nelson: "What? This is mutiny!"
Hardy: "It's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of being charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There's a couple of legal-aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks."
Nelson: "Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?"
Hardy: "Actually, sir, we're not."
Nelson: "We're not?"
Hardy: "No, sir. The French and the Spanish are our European partners now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation."
Nelson: "But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil."
Hardy: "I wouldn't let the ship's diversity co-ordinator hear you saying that sir. You'll be up on disciplinary report."
Nelson: "You must consider every man an enemy, who speaks ill of your King."
Hardy: "Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age. Now put on your Kevlar vest; it's the rules. It could save your life"
Nelson: "Don't tell me - health and safety. Whatever happened to rum, sodomy and the lash?"
Hardy: "As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu! And there's a ban on corporal punishment."
Nelson: "What about sodomy?"
Hardy: "I believe that is now legal, sir."
Nelson: "In that case... kiss me, Hardy.."
vikingBerserker
Lieutenant General
ROFLMAO!
RabidAlien
1st Lieutenant
