RabidAlien
1st Lieutenant
Quotes and Jokes (1 Viewer)
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vikingBerserker
Lieutenant General
LMAO!
ccheese
Member In Perpetuity
Ya gotta love the Irish...
> Patton staggered home very late after another
> evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid
> waking his wife, Kathleen.
>
> He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs
> leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he
> caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he
> landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke
> and made the landing especially painful.
>
> Managing not to yell, Patton sprung up, pulled down
> his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were
> cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and
> began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.
>
> He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and
> shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.
>
> In the morning, Patton woke up with searing pain in
> both his head and butt and Kathleen staring at him from across the room.
>
> She said, 'You were drunk again last night weren't you?'
>
> Patton said, 'Why you say such a mean thing?'
>
> 'Well,' Kathleen said, 'it could be the open front
> door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could
> be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your
> bloodshot eyes, but mostly ...... it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the
> hall mirror.
Charles
> Patton staggered home very late after another
> evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid
> waking his wife, Kathleen.
>
> He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs
> leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he
> caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he
> landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke
> and made the landing especially painful.
>
> Managing not to yell, Patton sprung up, pulled down
> his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were
> cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and
> began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.
>
> He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and
> shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.
>
> In the morning, Patton woke up with searing pain in
> both his head and butt and Kathleen staring at him from across the room.
>
> She said, 'You were drunk again last night weren't you?'
>
> Patton said, 'Why you say such a mean thing?'
>
> 'Well,' Kathleen said, 'it could be the open front
> door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could
> be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your
> bloodshot eyes, but mostly ...... it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the
> hall mirror.
Charles
Aaron Brooks Wolters
Brigadier General
That's a good one Charles!! Thanks for posting.
Thanks for posting.
ccheese
Member In Perpetuity
The construction crew, working on the grounds of the Convent, were a lively bunch,
but their language was getting to most of the nuns, who complained to Mother Superior.
She managed to corner the foreman one day, and told him he had to do something about
their language. He said, "Well, you know my boys, Sister, they call a spade a spade".
Without blinking an eye, she responded. "They do not !! "They call it a f**ckin' shovel' !!
Charles
but their language was getting to most of the nuns, who complained to Mother Superior.
She managed to corner the foreman one day, and told him he had to do something about
their language. He said, "Well, you know my boys, Sister, they call a spade a spade".
Without blinking an eye, she responded. "They do not !! "They call it a f**ckin' shovel' !!
Charles
early morning, construction crew/city worker is heading off to the job. They get to the site and realize they have forgotten thier shovels. In a panic the call back to the head office and ask the foreman What should we do??
Boss says no problem there is two of you, you'll just have to lean on each other until we can some shovels out to you.
Boss says no problem there is two of you, you'll just have to lean on each other until we can some shovels out to you.
RabidAlien
1st Lieutenant
Haha! 
vikingBerserker
Lieutenant General
Nice
A man at the bar is staring at his drink. After half an hour, a troublemaker takes the drink and downs it. As the man starts crying, the troublemaker says: 'Look, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink.' 'It's not that,' the man says. 'This has been the worst day of my life. First, I overslept, was late for work and my boss fired me. Then I went to leave, only to find my car had been stolen. When I reported it, the police said they couldn't do anything. And as I stepped out of the cab when I got home, I realized I'd left my wallet and credit card in the car. Then I found my wife in bed with the milkman, so I came to this pub. And while I was thinking about ending my life, you went and drank my poison.'
RabidAlien
1st Lieutenant
Aaron Brooks Wolters
Brigadier General
To all of the above!!
A farm boy accidentally overturns his truck. His neighbour, hearing the noise, yells: 'Wills, come for a drink. I'll help with the truck later.'
'I don't think my dad would like me to,' Wills answers.
'Come on,' the farmer insists. 'OK,' the boy agrees, 'but my dad won't like it.'
I After a few drinks and a hearty dinner, Wills thanks his host 'I feel much better now,' he says, 'but I know Dad will be really upset.' 'I'll talk to him,' the farmer says. 'Where is he?' 'Under the truck.'
'I don't think my dad would like me to,' Wills answers.
'Come on,' the farmer insists. 'OK,' the boy agrees, 'but my dad won't like it.'
I After a few drinks and a hearty dinner, Wills thanks his host 'I feel much better now,' he says, 'but I know Dad will be really upset.' 'I'll talk to him,' the farmer says. 'Where is he?' 'Under the truck.'
RabidAlien
1st Lieutenant
