Quotes and Jokes (10 Viewers)

[ccheese]

Ya gotta love the Irish....

> An Irish priest is driving down to New York and
> gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut. The state trooper smells
> alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the
> floor of the car.
>
>He says, 'Sir, have you been drinking?'
>
>Just water,' says the priest.
>
>The trooper says, 'Then why do I smell wine?'
>
>The priest looks at the bottle and says, 'Good Lord! He's done it again!'

Charles

 

[vikingBerserker]

LMAO

 

[Matt308]

Sorry I don't hang around this thread much anymore. I miss these posts.
_____________________________________________________________

Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on their usual park bench
one morning.

The 87 year old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of
breath.

The 80 year old was amazed at his friend's stamina and asked him what he
did to have so much energy.

The 87 year old said, "Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your
energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies." So, on
the way home, 80 year old stops at the bakery. As he was looking around,
the lady asked if he needed any help.

He said "Do you have any Rye bread?"

She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?"

He said, "I
want 5 loaves."

She said, "My goodness, 5 loaves ... by the time you get to the 3rd loaf,
it'll be hard."

He replied, "I can't believe it, everybody knows about this sh!t but me."

 

[Wayne Little]

 

[B-17engineer]

Hahahahahahahaha

 

[vikingBerserker]

LMAO

 

[RabidAlien]

 

[Gnomey]

 

[Wayne Little]

He said....She said
10) He said... I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
She said...You wear briefs, don't you?

9) She said...What do you mean by coming home half drunk?
He said... It's not my fault...I ran out of money.

8) He said... Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to
you in the worst way.
She said...Well, you succeeded.


7) He said... 'Two inches more, and I would be king'
She said...'Two inches less, and you'd be queen'

6) On wall in ladies room: "My husband follows me everywhere."
Written just below it: "I do not."


5) He said... "Shall we try a different position tonight?"
She said..."That's a good idea.... you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart. "


4) Priest... 'I don't think you will ever find another man like your late husband.'
She said...'Who's gonna look?'

3) He said... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said...Turn sideways and look in the mirror.

2) He said... Let's go out and have some fun tonight.
She said...Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.

And the number 1 "He said...She said"..

1) He said... Why don't you tell me when you have an orgasm?
She said...I would, but you're never there

 

[RabidAlien]

#5 is the best!

 

[evangilder]

Not So Dumb Blonde

A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from Los Angeles to New York.

The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer
persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun.

He says, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me five dollars, and vice versa."

Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep.

The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500."

This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment, agrees to the game.

The lawyer asks the first question: "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"

The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill, and hands it to the lawyer.

"Okay," says the lawyer, "your turn."

She asks, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?"

The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references ... no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the Internet and the Library of Congress ... no answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworkers but to no avail.

After an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $500.

The blonde thanks him and turns back to get some more sleep.

The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, stirs the blonde and asks, "Well, what's the answer?"

Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.

 

[Gnomey]

 

[RabidAlien]

 

[Lucky13]

I'm gonna drink a unhealthy amount of Tequila.....

Unknown...."I cannot stand being awake, the pain is too much"
Unknown...."Love means exposing yourself to the pain of being hurt, deeply hurt by someone you trust."
Oscar Wilde...."The heart was made to be broken"

 

[Ferdinand Foch]

I'm gonna drink a unhealthy amount of Tequila.....

Unknown...."I cannot stand being awake, the pain is too much"
Unknown...."Love means exposing yourself to the pain of being hurt, deeply hurt by someone you trust."
Oscar Wilde...."The heart was made to be broken"

? Uh, is something wrong Lucky? If this is a joke, I'm not getting it.

 

[RabidAlien]

Title of the thread is "Quotes and Jokes". Indulge yourself tonight, Lucky my friend, but life does go on, and tomorrow is another day.

 

[vikingBerserker]

I've tried that stuff before, and any amount of Tequila is an unhealthy amount!

 

[beaupower32]

Thibodeaux was driving down the road one day when he saw a beautiful woman standing in the middle of it. Thibodeaux hit the brakes and aksed the woman, "What's wrong Miss?" The lady explained, "My life is over. Nobody cares about me. I want it all to end, so I'm just praying that someone will run over me on this road." Thibodeaux begged her, "No Miss. Please don't do that. You are beautiful, obviously smart, and you have a full life ahead of you. I'll tell you what. Jump in my truck and I will sneak you onto the boat I am working on. We are heading to France, so you can hide during the journey and we will slip off together in Europe and live a wonderful life." The lady agreed, and Thibodeaux snuck her onto the boat as promised. For over three weeks, he fed her three meals a day, brought her water, and romanced her in the life boat after the crew went to bed. Eventually, the captain of the ship caught the lady and asked her, "Miss, why are you hiding down in that cabin?" The lady explained, "I'm so sorry. One of your crew, Thibodeaux, has been hiding me here, feeding me, and romancing me at night on this whole journey to France." The captian giggled and told her, "No, no. We're not on our way to France. This is just the Chalmette ferry!"

 

[imalko]

 

[Gnomey]