Quotes and Jokes

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Two Hill Billy hunters got a pilot to fly them from St John's, Newfounland, up into Labrador to hunt moose. They were successful and bagged two moose.
As they started loading the plane for the return trip, the pilot said that the plane could only take one moose. The two lads strongly objected saying, "Last year we also shot 2 and the pilot let us put them both on board. It was the exact same type of plane with the same capacity and they took off from that same lake."
Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and both were loaded. However, upon take-off the little plane nicked the tree tops it and they crashed in the bush.
Dazed and climbing out of the wreck one Hill Billy asked the other, "Where are we?"
The second one said, "I think about 500 yards further than we got last year."
 
Don't know if this one's been through yet but...

A 10Pm curfew is announced in Baddad. On the first day, there is a shooting at 9:45pm by the security services. The Supervisor goes down and asks the Officer why he shot him 15 minutes before curfew. The guy says, "I know where he lives, he never would've made it".
 
A SHORT LOVE STORY

A man and a woman who had never met before, but who were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a trans-continental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing the compartment, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower.

At 1:00am, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."

"I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married."

"Wow! That's a great idea!", he exclaimed.

"Good," she replied. "Get your own f****** blanket."

TO
 
Old Jewish Man

A female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time. So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site. She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview......

CNN journalist: "Pardon me, sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. What's your name?"

Old Jewish Man: "Morris Feinberg"

CNN journalist: "Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?"

Old Jewish Man: "For about 60 years."

CNN journalist:"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"

Old Jewish Man: "I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims."

"I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop."

"I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults, and to love their fellow man."

CNN journalist: "How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?"

Old Jewish Man: "Like I'm talking to a f****** wall."

TO
 
​
Indian Teepee

An Indian named Chief Bowels lived in a teepee on the reservation. One day he received a letter from the state division of highways that said that they were going to build a freeway and it would go right through where his teepee was located and he would have to move.

He was very upset about this because his ancestors had lived in that exact place for many generations.

He decided to go into town to talk to someone and get them to change the route of the freeway.

He arrived in town but didn't know where to go so he asked someone for directions to the local office of the highway department. He was told to go three blocks straight ahead then turn left for two blocks and it would be on the right.

He went three blocks straight ahead then turned right and went into the building on the left. It was a drugstore.

The druggist asked him if he could help him and the Indian replied. "Bowels no move!"

"Oh," said the druggist. That's no problem. Take this twice a day for a week." he said, as he gave the Indian a bottle of medicine.

The Indian left and one week later the he returned. "Hello," said the druggist. "Did that medicine work?"

"Bowels still no move!" said the Indian.

"Well, well," said the druggist. "It appears that we will have to use something a little stronger. Take this four times a day for a week."

The Indian left and one week later he returned. "Hello again," said the druggist. "How are you doing?"

"Bowels still no move!" said the Indian.

"Oh my goodness!" said the druggist. "This really calls for something drastic. This is the most powerful treatment in existance. Take it eight times a day for a week."

The Indian left and one week later he returned, looking a little ragged. When the druggist saw him he asked, "bowels move?"

"Bowels have to move" said the Indian. "Teepee full of crap."

--------------------------------



Wheels
 
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