Quotes and Jokes (2 Viewers)
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RabidAlien
1st Lieutenant
x3
RabidAlien
1st Lieutenant
DOGS' PET PEEVES
~ Yelling at me for barking...HEY, I'M A DOG!!
~ Taking me for a walk, then not letting me check stuff out. Exactly whose walk is this anyway?
~ Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose...stop it.
~ Blaming your farts on me...not funny...not funny at all.
~ Yelling at me for rubbing my bottom on your carpet. Why'd you buy carpet?
~ Dog sweaters. Helloooo...have you noticed the fur?
~ Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons. Now you know why we chew your stuff up when you're not home.
~ Taking me to the vet for "the big snip," then acting surprised when I freak out every time we go back.
~ The sleight of hand, fake-fetch-throw. You fooled a dog! What a proud moment for the top of the food chain.
today'sTHOT============================
There's nothing more optimistic than a dog under the dinner table.
~ Yelling at me for barking...HEY, I'M A DOG!!
~ Taking me for a walk, then not letting me check stuff out. Exactly whose walk is this anyway?
~ Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose...stop it.
~ Blaming your farts on me...not funny...not funny at all.
~ Yelling at me for rubbing my bottom on your carpet. Why'd you buy carpet?
~ Dog sweaters. Helloooo...have you noticed the fur?
~ Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons. Now you know why we chew your stuff up when you're not home.
~ Taking me to the vet for "the big snip," then acting surprised when I freak out every time we go back.
~ The sleight of hand, fake-fetch-throw. You fooled a dog! What a proud moment for the top of the food chain.
today'sTHOT============================
There's nothing more optimistic than a dog under the dinner table.
T Bolt
Colonel
vikingBerserker
Lieutenant General
Little Johnny came home from school to see the families pet rooster dead in the front yard. Rigormortis had set in and it was flat on its back with its legs in the air. When his Dad came home Johnny said, "Dad our roosters dead and his legs are sticking in the air. Why is his legs sticking in the air?"
His father thinking quickly said, "Son, that's so God can reach down from the clouds and lift the rooster straight up to heaven."
"Gee Dad that's great," said little Johnny. A few days later, when Dad came home from work, Johnny rushed out to meet him yelling, "Dad, Dad we almost lost Mom today!"
"What do you mean?" said Dad.
"Well Dad, I got home from school early today and went up to your bedroom and there was Mom flat on her back with her legs in the air screaming, "Jesus I'm coming, I'm coming" If it hadn't of been for Uncle George holding her down we'd have lost her for sure!"
His father thinking quickly said, "Son, that's so God can reach down from the clouds and lift the rooster straight up to heaven."
"Gee Dad that's great," said little Johnny. A few days later, when Dad came home from work, Johnny rushed out to meet him yelling, "Dad, Dad we almost lost Mom today!"
"What do you mean?" said Dad.
"Well Dad, I got home from school early today and went up to your bedroom and there was Mom flat on her back with her legs in the air screaming, "Jesus I'm coming, I'm coming" If it hadn't of been for Uncle George holding her down we'd have lost her for sure!"
Haha
RabidAlien
1st Lieutenant
Oops!
wheelsup_cavu
1st Sergeant
Good one Wayne.
----
Towards the end of the golf course, Dave hit his ball into the woods and found it in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups.
Trying to get his ball back in play, he ended up thrashing just about every buttercup in the patch.
All of a sudden, POOF! In a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared. She said, 'I'm Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups?
Just for doing what you have done, you won't have any butter for your popcorn for the rest of your life: better still, you won't have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life.
As a matter of fact, you'll never have any butter for anything the rest of your life!'
Then POOF! She was gone!
After Dave recovered from the shock, he hollered for his friend, 'Fred, where are you?'
Fred yells back 'I'm over here in the pu$$y willows.'
Dave shouts back, 'DON'T SWING, Fred!!
FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, DON'T SWING!'
================================
Wheels
vikingBerserker
Lieutenant General
LMAO!
RabidAlien
1st Lieutenant
ROTFLMBO!!!
****************************
MEN ARE JUST HAPPIER PEOPLE
NICKNAMES
* If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.
* If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.
EATING OUT
* When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50.. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
* When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
MONEY
* A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
* A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale
BATHROOMS
* A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel ..
* The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.
ARGUMENTS
* A woman has the last word in any argument.
* Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
FUTURE
* A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
* A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
SUCCESS
* A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
* A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
MARRIAGE
* A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
* A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.
DRESSING UP
* A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
* A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
NATURAL
* Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
* Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
OFFSPRING
* Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
* A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house..
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing! AMEN!!
****************************
MEN ARE JUST HAPPIER PEOPLE
NICKNAMES
* If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.
* If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.
EATING OUT
* When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50.. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
* When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
MONEY
* A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
* A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale
BATHROOMS
* A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel ..
* The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.
ARGUMENTS
* A woman has the last word in any argument.
* Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
FUTURE
* A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
* A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
SUCCESS
* A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
* A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
MARRIAGE
* A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
* A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.
DRESSING UP
* A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
* A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
NATURAL
* Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
* Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
OFFSPRING
* Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
* A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house..
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing! AMEN!!
T Bolt
Colonel
100% true!
Aaron Brooks Wolters
Brigadier General
wheelsup_cavu
1st Sergeant
Good one RA.
Wheels
vikingBerserker
Lieutenant General
A-fricken-men!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
