Good one Charles 
Quotes and Jokes (3 Viewers)
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RabidAlien
1st Lieutenant
Maestro
Master Sergeant
This happened on one of AirTransat's Québec-Cancun flight...
The commander turned on the microphone and started his speech to the passengers : "Dear passenger, I'm Commander Douglas and I'll be your pilot for this flight to Cancun. We shall fly at an altitude of 25,000 feet at a speed of 500 mph and the temperature at Cancun is currently of a warm 35C..."
Then there was a "Crack" followed by a "Oh, sh*t !" and the transmission ended. The crew started to walk up and down the alleys nervously then the commander got back on the microphone...
"I'm sorry, ladies and gentlemen, I just dropped a cup of hot coffee on me... You should see the front of my pants..."
Then a voice raised from the back of the plane...
"God damn it ! He should see the back of my pants !"
An old Indian chief sat in his hut on the reservation, smoking a ceremonial pipe and eyeing two US government officials sent to interview him.
"Chief Two Eagles," asked one official, "You have observed the white man for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his material wealth. You've seen his progress, and
the damage he's done."
The chief nodded that it was so.
The official continued, "Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the
white man go wrong?"
The chief stared at the government officials for over a minute and then calmly replied,
"When white man found the land, Indians were running it. No taxes, no debt, plenty
buffalo, plenty beaver, women did all the work, medicine man free, Indian man spent
all day hunting and fishing, all night having sex."
Then the chief leaned back and smiled, "White man dumb enough to think he could
improve system like that!"
"Chief Two Eagles," asked one official, "You have observed the white man for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his material wealth. You've seen his progress, and
the damage he's done."
The chief nodded that it was so.
The official continued, "Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the
white man go wrong?"
The chief stared at the government officials for over a minute and then calmly replied,
"When white man found the land, Indians were running it. No taxes, no debt, plenty
buffalo, plenty beaver, women did all the work, medicine man free, Indian man spent
all day hunting and fishing, all night having sex."
Then the chief leaned back and smiled, "White man dumb enough to think he could
improve system like that!"
T Bolt
Colonel
RabidAlien
1st Lieutenant
Hm. He's got a point there....
wheelsup_cavu
1st Sergeant
Once a Marine, Always a Marine
On their 50th anniversary, a wife found the negligee she wore on her wedding night and put it on.
She went to her husband, a retired Marine, and asked, "Honey, do you remember this?"
He looked up from his newspaper and said; "Yes dear, I do. You wore that same negligee the night we were married"
She said, "Yes, that's right. Do you remember what you said to me that night?"
He nodded and said "Yes dear, I said; Oh baby, I'm going to suck the life out of those boobs and bang your brains out."
She giggled and said; "That's exactly what you said. So now its fifty years later, and I'm in the same negligee. What do you have to say tonight?"
He looked her up and down and said, " Mission accomplished."
----------------
Wheels
On their 50th anniversary, a wife found the negligee she wore on her wedding night and put it on.
She went to her husband, a retired Marine, and asked, "Honey, do you remember this?"
He looked up from his newspaper and said; "Yes dear, I do. You wore that same negligee the night we were married"
She said, "Yes, that's right. Do you remember what you said to me that night?"
He nodded and said "Yes dear, I said; Oh baby, I'm going to suck the life out of those boobs and bang your brains out."
She giggled and said; "That's exactly what you said. So now its fifty years later, and I'm in the same negligee. What do you have to say tonight?"
He looked her up and down and said, " Mission accomplished."
----------------
Wheels
vikingBerserker
Lieutenant General
LMAO!
Maestro
Master Sergeant
- Thread starter
- #3,073
Once upon a time there lived a king. The king had a beautiful daughter, the PRINCESS.
But there was a problem. Everything the princess touched would melt.
No matter what;
metal,
wood,
stone,
anything she touched would melt. Because of this, men were afraid of her. Nobody would dare marry her.. The king despaired. What could he do to help his daughter?
He consulted his wizards and magicians. One wizard told the king,
"If your daughter touches one thing that does not melt in her hands, she will be cured."
The king was overjoyed and came up with a plan.
The next day, he held a competition. Any man that could bring his daughter an object that would not melt would marry her and inherit the king's wealth.
THREE YOUNG PRINCES TOOK UP THE CHALLENGE.
The first brought a sword of the finest steel.
But alas, when the princess touched it, it melted. The prince went away sadly.
The second prince brought diamonds. He thought diamonds are the hardest substance in the world and would not melt. But alas, once the princess touched them, they melted. He too was sent away disappointed.
The third prince approached. He told the princess, "Put your hand in my pocket and feel what is in there." The princess did as she was told, though she turned red.
She felt something hard.. She held it in her hand. And it did not melt!!!
The king was overjoyed. Everybody in the kingdom was overjoyed.
And the third prince married the princess and they both lived happily ever after.
Question: What was in the prince's pants?
(Scroll down for the answer)
M&M's of course.
They melt in your mouth, not in your hand. What were you thinking?? YOU PERVERT.
But there was a problem. Everything the princess touched would melt.
No matter what;
metal,
wood,
stone,
anything she touched would melt. Because of this, men were afraid of her. Nobody would dare marry her.. The king despaired. What could he do to help his daughter?
He consulted his wizards and magicians. One wizard told the king,
"If your daughter touches one thing that does not melt in her hands, she will be cured."
The king was overjoyed and came up with a plan.
The next day, he held a competition. Any man that could bring his daughter an object that would not melt would marry her and inherit the king's wealth.
THREE YOUNG PRINCES TOOK UP THE CHALLENGE.
The first brought a sword of the finest steel.
But alas, when the princess touched it, it melted. The prince went away sadly.
The second prince brought diamonds. He thought diamonds are the hardest substance in the world and would not melt. But alas, once the princess touched them, they melted. He too was sent away disappointed.
The third prince approached. He told the princess, "Put your hand in my pocket and feel what is in there." The princess did as she was told, though she turned red.
She felt something hard.. She held it in her hand. And it did not melt!!!
The king was overjoyed. Everybody in the kingdom was overjoyed.
And the third prince married the princess and they both lived happily ever after.
Question: What was in the prince's pants?
(Scroll down for the answer)
M&M's of course.
They melt in your mouth, not in your hand. What were you thinking?? YOU PERVERT.
RabidAlien
1st Lieutenant
wheelsup_cavu
1st Sergeant
Wheels
Maestro
Master Sergeant
ccheese
Member In Perpetuity
There are some new government programs just getting started. Perhaps you havn't heard of all of them
New Government Programs
Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown in the economy,
Congress has decided to implement a scheme to put workers of 50 years of age and
above on early retirement, thus creating jobs and reducing unemployment.
This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).
Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to Congress to be considered for the
SHAFT program (Special Help After Forced Termination).
Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW program
(System Covering Retired-Early Workers).
A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as Congress
deems appropriate.
Persons who have been RAPED could get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependants
Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance).
Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any
further by Congress.
Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on will receive as much SH!T (Special
High Intensity Training) as possible. Congress has always prided themselves on
the amount of SH!T they give our citizens.
Should you feel that you do not receive enough SH!T, please bring this to the
attention of your Congressman, who has been trained to give you all the SH!T you
can handle.
Sincerely,
The Committee for Economic Value of Individual Lives (E.V.I.L.)
PS - - Due to recent budget cuts and the rising cost of electricity, gas and oil, as well as current market conditions, the Light at the End of the Tunnel has been turned off.
Charles
New Government Programs
Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown in the economy,
Congress has decided to implement a scheme to put workers of 50 years of age and
above on early retirement, thus creating jobs and reducing unemployment.
This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).
Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to Congress to be considered for the
SHAFT program (Special Help After Forced Termination).
Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW program
(System Covering Retired-Early Workers).
A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as Congress
deems appropriate.
Persons who have been RAPED could get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependants
Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance).
Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any
further by Congress.
Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on will receive as much SH!T (Special
High Intensity Training) as possible. Congress has always prided themselves on
the amount of SH!T they give our citizens.
Should you feel that you do not receive enough SH!T, please bring this to the
attention of your Congressman, who has been trained to give you all the SH!T you
can handle.
Sincerely,
The Committee for Economic Value of Individual Lives (E.V.I.L.)
PS - - Due to recent budget cuts and the rising cost of electricity, gas and oil, as well as current market conditions, the Light at the End of the Tunnel has been turned off.
Charles
T Bolt
Colonel
