Quotes and Jokes (2 Viewers)

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A bloke sees a sign in front of a house in Luton:
"Talking Dog for Sale." He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the back garden.
The bloke goes into the backyard and sees a black mutt just sitting there.
"You talk?" he asks. "Sure do," the dog replies. "So, what's your story?" The dog looks up and says, "Well, I discovered my gift of talking pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told MI5 about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms
with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running."
"The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in."
"I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded loads of medals. Had a wife, a few puppies, and now I'm just retired."
The bloke is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
The owner says, "Ten pounds."
The bloke says, 'This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"
"Cause he's a f*ckin' liar. He's never done any of that stuff."
 
Hurrah !!!!!!

My new computer arrived today.....
 

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USAir recently introduced a special half fare for wives who accompanied their husbands on business trips. Expecting valuable testimonials, the PR department sent out letters to all the wives of business men who had used the special rates, asking how they enjoyed their trip. Letters are still pouring in asking, "What trip?"
 
Since this is an aviation site, I thought you might enjoy this:
Two men meet in a bar atop the John Hancock tower in Chicago. After a few drinks one turns to the other and says, "You know, there are some very powerful air currents around these tall buildings. I found that at the base of this building in the NW corner there is a massive updraft so powerful it will stop a falling body and allow it to land safely on the sidewalk." The second man replied, "that's baloney, I don't believe it for a second." The first man replied, "OK, follow me and I'll show you."
The two med climb to the top of the tower and the first simply steps off. He falls like a rock, faster and faster until he is about 25 feet from the sidewalk. He slows down, and simply put his feet down on the sidewalk.
Back in the bar, the second man turns to the first and says, "that is the most unbelievable thing I've ever seen. I still don't believe it." The first replies, "OK, let's try it again." They climb back to the top of the tower where the first man steps off the edge, falls, hovers, and steps to the sidewalk.
Back at the bar, the second turns to the first and says, "Amazing, I have to try that." They climb back to the top of the tower where the second man steps off the edge. He falls like a rock until SPLAT… he lands 5ft under the sidewalk.
The first man returns to the bar and orders another drink. The bartender brings the drink and says, "You know Superman, sometimes you're a real jerk!"
 

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