Quotes and Jokes (4 Viewers)

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A teacher tried to explain the "gender of things" concept (masculine and feminine) to her class. For example, the teacher pointed out that hurricanes, ships and aircraft are called "she".

One of the students asked what gender a computer has, and the teacher decided that to solve this, the class would be divided into two groups – one with the boys and one with the girls. The assignment was to give computers a gender and motivate why.



The girls thought that computers are male, because:

1.They know a lot, but rarely know how to use their talent without been given instructions.
2.They are supposed to help you solving your problems, but haft of the time they are the problem.
3.To get their attention, you have to turn them on.
4.As soon as you have got one, you realize that if you just had waited a little longer you could have found a better model.

The boys on the other hand thought that computers are female, because

1.None except their "creator" could understand their built-in logic
2.The language that one computer uses to communicate to another computer is incomprehensible to anyone that is not a computer.
3.The slightest mistake that you make is stored in the long-time memory and will surely cause problems in the future.
4.As soon as you have settled for one, you will have to spend half you paycheck on more or less useful accessories.
 
sign in the Bank Lobby reads: "Please note that this Bank is
installing new "Drive-through" teller machines enabling customers to
withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. Customers using this new
facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when
accessing their accounts. After months of careful research, MALE
FEMALE procedures have been developed. Please follow the appropriate
steps for your gender."

MALE PROCEDURE

1. Drive up to the cash machine.

2. Put down your car window.

3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.

4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.

5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.

6. Put window up.

7. Drive off.

FEMALE PROCEDURE

1. Drive up to cash machine.

2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.

3. Set parking brake, put the window down.

4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.

5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.

6. Attempt to insert card into machine.

7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.

8. Insert card.

9. Re-insert card the right way.

10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.

11. Enter PIN.

12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.

13. Enter amount of cash required.

14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.

15. Retrieve cash and receipt.

16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.

17. Write deposit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook.

18. Re-check makeup.

19. Drive forward 2 feet.

20. Reverse back to cash machine.

21. Retrieve card.

22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided.

23. Give appropriate one-fingered hand signal to irate male driver waiting behind you.

24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.

25. Redial person on cell phone.

26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.

27. Release Parking Brake.
 
Be sure you lock your doors and windows at home!

A Thornhill man was found dead in his home over the weekend.

Detectives at the scene found the man face down in his bathtub.

The tub had been filled with milk, sugar and cornflakes.

Police suspect a cereal killer
 
Now that Autumn is here, the bears will be eating much more than usual to build up fat for the long winter. The National Forestry Service has issued the following precautions to hikers during this season.

Hikers please beware that bears may be in the area. Since bears usually try to avoid any human contact it is best to warn them that you are coming. A surprised bear may attack you. As a precaution you are encouraged to wear little bells with your equipment. This way you will not startle the bear and give it time to wander away. You are also encouraged to carry a whistle so that should you encounter a bear you need only to blow it. Bears do not like the high trilling noises and will usually leave you alone when blowing it. However, you must avoid any area where there may be Grizzly bears. The best way to tell if there are any Grizzlies in your area is to look for bear feces. Normal bear feces may have bits of nuts and vegetable matter. Grizzly feces usually contain little bells...
 
Someone
had to remind me, so I'm reminding you, too.

Perks of reaching 50 or being over 60 and heading toward 70!

1.Kidnappers are not very i nterested in you.

2.In a hostage situation, You are likely to be Released first.

3.No one expects You to run -- Anywhere.

4.People call at 9 PM Or AM And ask, 'Did I wake you?'

5.People no longer View you as a Hypochondriac.

6.There is nothing left to learn the hard way.

7.Things you buy now Won't wear out..

8.You can eat supper at 4 PM..

9. You can live without sex but not your glasses.

10.You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

11.You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.

12.You sing along with elevator music.

13. Your eyes won't get much worse.

14. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

15.Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the National Weather Service.

16.Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.

17.Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size.

18.You can't remember who sent you this list..

And you notice these are all in big print for your convenience.


ONE MORE THING:


Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill, and a laxative on the same night!
 

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