Quotes and Jokes (4 Viewers)
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mikewint
Captain
well now maybe you young whippersnappers think that's funny but..............
Catch22
Major
This is a bit long:
Canada eh?!
TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN BRITISH COLUMBIA
1. Vancouver : 1.5 million people and two bridges. You do the math.
2. Your $400,000 Vancouver home is just 5 hours from downtown.
3. You can throw a rock and hit three Starbucks locations.
4. There's always some sort of deforestation protest going on.
5. Weed.
TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN ALBERTA
1. Big rock between you and B.C.
2. Ottawa who?
3. Tax is 5% instead of the approximately 200% as it is for the rest of the
country.
4. You can exploit almost any natural resource you can think of.
5. You live in the only province that could actually afford to be its own
country.
6. The Americans below you are all in anti-government militia groups.
TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN SASKATCHEWAN
1. You never run out of wheat.
2. Your province is really easy to draw.
3. You can watch the dog run away from home for hours.
4. People will assume you live on a farm.
5. Daylight savings time? Who the hell needs that!
TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN MANITOBA
1. You wake up one morning to find that you suddenly have a beachfront
property..
2. Hundreds of huge, horribly frigid lakes.
3. Nothing compares to a wicked Winnipeg winter.
4.. You can be an Easterner or a Westerner depending on your mood.
5. You can pass the time watching trucks and barns float by.
TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN ONTARIO
1. You live in the centre of the universe.
2. Your $400,000 Toronto home is actually a dump.
3. You and you alone decide who will win the federal election.
4. The only province with hard-core American-style crime.
TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN QUEBEC
1. Racism is socially acceptable.
2. You can take bets with your friends on which English-speaking
neighbour will move out next.
3. Other provinces basically bribe you to stay in Canada ...
4. You can blame all your problems on the "Anglo A*#!%!"?
TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN NEW BRUNSWICK
1. One way or another, the government gets 98% of your income.
2. You're poor, but not as poor as the Newfies.
3. No one ever blames anything on New Brunswick ...
4. Everybody has a grandfather who runs a lighthouse.
TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN NOVA SCOTIA
1. Everyone can play the fiddle.. The ones who can't, think they can.
2. You can pretend to have Scottish heritage as an excuse to get drunk and
wear a kilt.
3. You are the only reason Anne Murray makes money.
TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN PRINCE EDWARD ISLAND
1. Even though more people live on Vancouver Island , you still got the
big, new bridge.
2. You can walk across the province in half an hour.
3. You can drive across the province in two minutes.
4. Everyone has been an extra on "Road to Avonlea."
5. This is where all those tiny, red potatoes come from..
6. You can confuse ships by turning your porch lights on and off at night.
TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN NEWFOUNDLAND
1. If Quebec separates, you will float off to sea.
2. If you do something stupid, you have a built-in excuse.
3. The workday is about two hours long.
4. It is socially acceptable to wear your hip waders to your wedding.
Canada eh?!
TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN BRITISH COLUMBIA
1. Vancouver : 1.5 million people and two bridges. You do the math.
2. Your $400,000 Vancouver home is just 5 hours from downtown.
3. You can throw a rock and hit three Starbucks locations.
4. There's always some sort of deforestation protest going on.
5. Weed.
TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN ALBERTA
1. Big rock between you and B.C.
2. Ottawa who?
3. Tax is 5% instead of the approximately 200% as it is for the rest of the
country.
4. You can exploit almost any natural resource you can think of.
5. You live in the only province that could actually afford to be its own
country.
6. The Americans below you are all in anti-government militia groups.
TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN SASKATCHEWAN
1. You never run out of wheat.
2. Your province is really easy to draw.
3. You can watch the dog run away from home for hours.
4. People will assume you live on a farm.
5. Daylight savings time? Who the hell needs that!
TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN MANITOBA
1. You wake up one morning to find that you suddenly have a beachfront
property..
2. Hundreds of huge, horribly frigid lakes.
3. Nothing compares to a wicked Winnipeg winter.
4.. You can be an Easterner or a Westerner depending on your mood.
5. You can pass the time watching trucks and barns float by.
TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN ONTARIO
1. You live in the centre of the universe.
2. Your $400,000 Toronto home is actually a dump.
3. You and you alone decide who will win the federal election.
4. The only province with hard-core American-style crime.
TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN QUEBEC
1. Racism is socially acceptable.
2. You can take bets with your friends on which English-speaking
neighbour will move out next.
3. Other provinces basically bribe you to stay in Canada ...
4. You can blame all your problems on the "Anglo A*#!%!"?
TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN NEW BRUNSWICK
1. One way or another, the government gets 98% of your income.
2. You're poor, but not as poor as the Newfies.
3. No one ever blames anything on New Brunswick ...
4. Everybody has a grandfather who runs a lighthouse.
TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN NOVA SCOTIA
1. Everyone can play the fiddle.. The ones who can't, think they can.
2. You can pretend to have Scottish heritage as an excuse to get drunk and
wear a kilt.
3. You are the only reason Anne Murray makes money.
TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN PRINCE EDWARD ISLAND
1. Even though more people live on Vancouver Island , you still got the
big, new bridge.
2. You can walk across the province in half an hour.
3. You can drive across the province in two minutes.
4. Everyone has been an extra on "Road to Avonlea."
5. This is where all those tiny, red potatoes come from..
6. You can confuse ships by turning your porch lights on and off at night.
TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN NEWFOUNDLAND
1. If Quebec separates, you will float off to sea.
2. If you do something stupid, you have a built-in excuse.
3. The workday is about two hours long.
4. It is socially acceptable to wear your hip waders to your wedding.
Catch22
Major
And another one:
The Official Canadian Temperature Conversion Chart:
50 Fahrenheit (10 C)
Californians shiver uncontrollably.
Canadians plant gardens.
35 Fahrenheit (1.6 C)
Italian Cars won't start
Canadians drive with the windows down
32 Fahrenheit (0 C)
American water freezes
Canadian water gets thicker.
0 Fahrenheit (-17..9 C)
New York City landlords finally turn on the heat.
Canadians have the last cookout of the season.
-60 Fahrenheit (-51 C)
Santa Claus abandons the North Pole.
Canadian Girl Guides sell cookies door-to-door.
-109.9 Fahrenheit (-78.5 C)
Carbon dioxide freezes makes dry ice.
Canadians pull down their earflaps.
-173 Fahrenheit (-114 C)
Ethyl alcohol freezes.
Canadians get frustrated when they can't thaw the keg
-459.67 Fahrenheit (-273.15 C)
Absolute zero; all atomic motion stops.
Canadians start saying "cold, eh?"
-500 Fahrenheit (-295 C)
Hell freezes over.
The Toronto Maple Leafs win the Stanley Cup
The Official Canadian Temperature Conversion Chart:
50 Fahrenheit (10 C)
Californians shiver uncontrollably.
Canadians plant gardens.
35 Fahrenheit (1.6 C)
Italian Cars won't start
Canadians drive with the windows down
32 Fahrenheit (0 C)
American water freezes
Canadian water gets thicker.
0 Fahrenheit (-17..9 C)
New York City landlords finally turn on the heat.
Canadians have the last cookout of the season.
-60 Fahrenheit (-51 C)
Santa Claus abandons the North Pole.
Canadian Girl Guides sell cookies door-to-door.
-109.9 Fahrenheit (-78.5 C)
Carbon dioxide freezes makes dry ice.
Canadians pull down their earflaps.
-173 Fahrenheit (-114 C)
Ethyl alcohol freezes.
Canadians get frustrated when they can't thaw the keg
-459.67 Fahrenheit (-273.15 C)
Absolute zero; all atomic motion stops.
Canadians start saying "cold, eh?"
-500 Fahrenheit (-295 C)
Hell freezes over.
The Toronto Maple Leafs win the Stanley Cup
RabidAlien
1st Lieutenant
ROTFLMBO!!!
Reminds me of the tale behind Canada's name. Word has it, the founding fathers of Canada got together at the tavern one day (when the snow melted enough for them to see the roof), and got into an argument on what to name their new country. "New England, eh" said one. "New France, eh," bellowed another (he was quickly pummeled into silence). "Not-America, eh" yelled another. This went on and on and on for hours, until finally, in a fit of frustration, it was proposed that they would simply draw random letters out of a hat, and the resulting word would be the name of the new country. Enough beer, and this sounded like a good idea, eh, so everyone agreed. Another hour went by as the appropriate style of headgear was debated (and then found), and they got down to it. A hush fell across the tavern as the first letter was drawn out of the hat: "C, eh!"
And thus, the proud name of "C-eh-N-eh-D-eh" was born.
::runs for cover. eh.::
Reminds me of the tale behind Canada's name. Word has it, the founding fathers of Canada got together at the tavern one day (when the snow melted enough for them to see the roof), and got into an argument on what to name their new country. "New England, eh" said one. "New France, eh," bellowed another (he was quickly pummeled into silence). "Not-America, eh" yelled another. This went on and on and on for hours, until finally, in a fit of frustration, it was proposed that they would simply draw random letters out of a hat, and the resulting word would be the name of the new country. Enough beer, and this sounded like a good idea, eh, so everyone agreed. Another hour went by as the appropriate style of headgear was debated (and then found), and they got down to it. A hush fell across the tavern as the first letter was drawn out of the hat: "C, eh!"
And thus, the proud name of "C-eh-N-eh-D-eh" was born.
::runs for cover. eh.::
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RabidAlien
1st Lieutenant
A man is skydiving, enjoying his free-fall, when he realizes that he has reached the altitude where he must open his parachute. So he pulls on the rip cord, but nothing happens.
"No problem," he says to himself, "I still have my emergency chute." So he pulls the rip cord on his emergency parachute, and once again, nothing happens. Now the man begins to panic.
"What am I going to do?" he thinks, "I'm a goner..."
Just then he sees a man flying up from the earth toward him. He can't figure out where this man is coming from, or what he's doing, but he thinks to himself, "Maybe he can help me. If he can't, then I'm done for."
When the man gets close enough to him, the skydiver cups his hands and shouts down, "Hey, do you know anything about parachutes?"
The other man replies, "No! Do you know anything about gas stoves?"
today'sTHOT============================
It's better to tell your money where to go than to ask where it went.
"No problem," he says to himself, "I still have my emergency chute." So he pulls the rip cord on his emergency parachute, and once again, nothing happens. Now the man begins to panic.
"What am I going to do?" he thinks, "I'm a goner..."
Just then he sees a man flying up from the earth toward him. He can't figure out where this man is coming from, or what he's doing, but he thinks to himself, "Maybe he can help me. If he can't, then I'm done for."
When the man gets close enough to him, the skydiver cups his hands and shouts down, "Hey, do you know anything about parachutes?"
The other man replies, "No! Do you know anything about gas stoves?"
today'sTHOT============================
It's better to tell your money where to go than to ask where it went.
RabidAlien
1st Lieutenant
stupid double-posts...
vikingBerserker
Lieutenant General
LMAO, Love them all!
mikewint
Captain
especially #2 thought is was going to be superman coming up
BikerBabe
Senior Master Sergeant
mikewint
Captain
excellent i love the ass one, how true, true, true
Last edited:
vikingBerserker
Lieutenant General
LMAO, nice Maria.
RabidAlien
1st Lieutenant
Excellent Maria!
mikewint
Captain
Aaron Brooks Wolters
Brigadier General
Either one of those photos could have been taken in my neck of the woods.
