Quotes and Jokes (3 Viewers)

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A couple's happy married life almost went on the rocks because of the presence in the household of old Aunt Emma. For seventeen long years she lived with them, always crotchety, always demanding.

Eventually, the old girl passed away.

On the way back from the cemetery, the husband confessed to his wife, "Darling, if I didn't love you so much, I don't think I could have put up with having your Aunt Emma in the house all those years."

His wife looked at him, aghast. "MY Aunt Emma!" she cried. "I thought she was YOUR Aunt Emma!"






today'sTHOT============================

The main purpose of holding children's parties is to remind yourself that there are children more awful than your own.
 
There was a man who had worked all of his life, had saved all of his
money,and was a real miser when it came to his money.

Just before he died, he said to his wife, "When I die, I want you to
take All my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money
to the afterlife with me."

And so he got his wife to promise him with all of her heart that when he
died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him.

Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting
there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her.

When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to
close the casket, the wife said, "Wait just a minute!" She had a box with
her; she came over with the box and put it in the casket.

Then the undertakers locked the casket down, and they rolled it away.

So her friend said, "Girl, I know you weren't crazy enough to put all that
money in there with your husband."

The loyal wife replied, "Listen, I'm an honest loyal wife, I can't go back
on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money in the casket
with him."

"You mean to tell me you put all that money in the casket with him!!!!?"

"I sure did," said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my
account and wrote him a check. If he can cash it, he can spend it!"
 
Four men were bragging about how smart their cats are.

The first man was an Engineer, the second man was an Accountant, the third man was a Chemist, the fourth was a Government Employee.

To show off, the Engineer called to his cat,"T-square, do your stuff."
T-square pranced over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle.

Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.

But the Accountant said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, "Spreadsheet, do your stuff." Spreadsheet went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies each.

Everyone agreed that was good.

But the Chemist said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, "Measure, do your stuff." Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop.

Everyone agreed that was very good.

Then the three men turned to the Government Employee and said, "What can your cat do?".

The Government Worker called to his cat and said, "CoffeeBreak, do your stuff." Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, crapped on the paper, made love to the other three cats, claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for Workman's Compensation and went home for the rest of the day on sick leave.
 
Here's one for the Brits:


 



Brace yourself before looking at the attached image.
A pilot at low level has no control over his aircraft.
It narrowly misses a crowd gathered for the airshow and slams into four buildings.
One can only imagine the horror of the occupants inside those buildings.
 

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