Quotes and Jokes (8 Viewers)
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Maestro
Master Sergeant
Well, it could be a good way to keep away those annoying phone surveys/sellers.
That one almost happened to me two years ago. I was driving back from Québec City and a wasp entered by the window and landed on my chest. No need to say my car went from left to right for a few seconds... I was just surprised the damn thing decided to land there.
A young boy enters the barber shop and Bill the barber whispers to his customer, "This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you."
The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, "Which do you want, son?"
The boy takes the quarters and leaves. "What did I tell you?" said the barber. "That kid never learns! He's got to be the dumbest kid in the world" .
Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. "Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?"
The boy licked his cone and replied, "Because the day I take the dollar, the game's over!!!!"
The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, "Which do you want, son?"
The boy takes the quarters and leaves. "What did I tell you?" said the barber. "That kid never learns! He's got to be the dumbest kid in the world" .
Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. "Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?"
The boy licked his cone and replied, "Because the day I take the dollar, the game's over!!!!"
Airframes
Benevolens Magister
Good one Wayne !
Matt308
Glock Perfection
Perhaps too political and US centric, but found this funny...
_____________________________________________________
A man was washed up on a beach after a shipwreck. Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed up with him. After looking around, he realized that they were stranded on a deserted island.
After being there awhile, he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sunset. One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance.
As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the lonely man. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it.
But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until the man took his arm from around the sheep. After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.
A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was Nancy Pelosi. That evening, the man brought Nancy to the evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening - red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze - perfect for a night of romance. Pretty soon, the man started to get those "feelings" again. He fought the urges as long as he could but he finally gave in and leaned over to Nancy and told her he hadn't had sex for months.
Nancy batted her eyelashes and asked if there was anything she could do for him.
He said, "Take the dog for a walk."
_____________________________________________________
A man was washed up on a beach after a shipwreck. Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed up with him. After looking around, he realized that they were stranded on a deserted island.
After being there awhile, he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sunset. One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance.
As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the lonely man. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it.
But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until the man took his arm from around the sheep. After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.
A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was Nancy Pelosi. That evening, the man brought Nancy to the evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening - red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze - perfect for a night of romance. Pretty soon, the man started to get those "feelings" again. He fought the urges as long as he could but he finally gave in and leaned over to Nancy and told her he hadn't had sex for months.
Nancy batted her eyelashes and asked if there was anything she could do for him.
He said, "Take the dog for a walk."
Aaron Brooks Wolters
Brigadier General
This was E-mailed to me today. It's a little old but still good.
oys 4 Tots has good people working for it
> Subject: Marine Stabbed at Best Buy
> Poor Guy! Bet he never knew what hit him!! Another of life's
finer lesson! Mess with the Best - Get what you DESERVE
>
> Marine Stabbed by Suspected Shoplifter
>
>
> November 27, 2010
>
> Associated Press
>
> AUGUSTA, Ga. - A U.S. Marine reservist collecting toys for
children was stabbed when he helped stop a suspected shoplifter
in eastern Georgia.
>
> Best Buy sales manager Orvin Smith told The Augusta Chronicle
that man was seen on surveillance cameras Friday putting a
laptop under his jacket at the Augusta store.
>
> When confronted, the man became irate, knocked down an employee,
pulled a knife and ran toward the door. Outside were four
Marines collecting toys for the service branch's "Toys For Tots"
program.
>
> Smith said the Marines stopped the man, but he stabbed one of
them, Cpl. Phillip Duggan, in the back. The cut did not appear
to be severe.
>
> The suspect was transported to the local hospital with two
broken arms, a broken leg, possible broken ribs, assorted
lacerations and bruises he obtained when he fell trying to run
after stabbing the Marine.
>
> The suspect, whose name was not released, was held until police
arrived. The Richmond County Sheriff's office said it is
investigating.
>
>
>
> Rick Smythe
> Chaplain
> Marine Corps League
> St Charles County Detachment 725
>
>
oys 4 Tots has good people working for it
> Subject: Marine Stabbed at Best Buy
> Poor Guy! Bet he never knew what hit him!! Another of life's
finer lesson! Mess with the Best - Get what you DESERVE
>
> Marine Stabbed by Suspected Shoplifter
>
>
> November 27, 2010
>
> Associated Press
>
> AUGUSTA, Ga. - A U.S. Marine reservist collecting toys for
children was stabbed when he helped stop a suspected shoplifter
in eastern Georgia.
>
> Best Buy sales manager Orvin Smith told The Augusta Chronicle
that man was seen on surveillance cameras Friday putting a
laptop under his jacket at the Augusta store.
>
> When confronted, the man became irate, knocked down an employee,
pulled a knife and ran toward the door. Outside were four
Marines collecting toys for the service branch's "Toys For Tots"
program.
>
> Smith said the Marines stopped the man, but he stabbed one of
them, Cpl. Phillip Duggan, in the back. The cut did not appear
to be severe.
>
> The suspect was transported to the local hospital with two
broken arms, a broken leg, possible broken ribs, assorted
lacerations and bruises he obtained when he fell trying to run
after stabbing the Marine.
>
> The suspect, whose name was not released, was held until police
arrived. The Richmond County Sheriff's office said it is
investigating.
>
>
>
> Rick Smythe
> Chaplain
> Marine Corps League
> St Charles County Detachment 725
>
>
evangilder
"Shooter"
Musta been one heck of a fall....
Maestro
Master Sergeant
mikewint
Captain
RabidAlien
1st Lieutenant
Yes, officer....the dude fell down that small flight of stairs over there. Four times.
RabidAlien
1st Lieutenant
> When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce
> toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the
> Pre-Christmas pressure. Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her mother was
> coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.
>
> When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were
> about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out,
> Heaven knows where.
>
> Then, when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked,
> the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.
>
> Frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of apple cider and a
> shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had
> drunk all the cider and hidden the liquor. In his frustration, he
> accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of
> little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the
> broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the
> broom.
>
> Just then the doorbell rang, and an irritated Santa marched to the
> door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big
> Christmas tree.
>
> The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a
> lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to
> stick it?'
>
> And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas
> tree.
> toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the
> Pre-Christmas pressure. Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her mother was
> coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.
>
> When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were
> about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out,
> Heaven knows where.
>
> Then, when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked,
> the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.
>
> Frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of apple cider and a
> shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had
> drunk all the cider and hidden the liquor. In his frustration, he
> accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of
> little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the
> broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the
> broom.
>
> Just then the doorbell rang, and an irritated Santa marched to the
> door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big
> Christmas tree.
>
> The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a
> lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to
> stick it?'
>
> And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas
> tree.
Aaron Brooks Wolters
Brigadier General
RA, that's just WRONG but very funny!
mikewint
Captain
GD, 
especially the drill, dyson, and the constipation fighter
especially the drill, dyson, and the constipation fighter
Matt308
Glock Perfection
THE MISTRESS
A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big open mouthed kiss, then says she'll see him later and walks away.
The wife glares at her husband and says, "Who was that?"
"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."
"Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a divorce!"
"I can understand that, "replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Jaguar in the garage an no more yacht club. But the decision is yours."
Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm.
"Who's that woman with Norman? " asks the wife.
"That's his mistress," says her husband.
"Ours is prettier," she replies.
A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big open mouthed kiss, then says she'll see him later and walks away.
The wife glares at her husband and says, "Who was that?"
"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."
"Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a divorce!"
"I can understand that, "replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Jaguar in the garage an no more yacht club. But the decision is yours."
Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm.
"Who's that woman with Norman? " asks the wife.
"That's his mistress," says her husband.
"Ours is prettier," she replies.
RabidAlien
1st Lieutenant
