RabidAlien
1st Lieutenant
RA, you know just because you young whippersnappers think old is funny.....
Heh. "Old" ain't necessarily about the age. Its about the mileage.
Quotes and Jokes (1 Viewer)
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Heh. "Old" ain't necessarily about the age. Its about the mileage.
A typical bloke, having split from his latest girlfriend, decided to take a holiday. .He booked himself on a cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is; until the ship sank.
He found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing; only bananas and coconuts. After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows
up to the shore.
In disbelief, he asks, 'Where did you come from? How did you get here?' She replied, 'I rowed from the other side of the island. I landed here when my cruise ship sank.'
'Amazing,' he notes. 'You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you.'
'Oh,this thing?' explains the woman. 'I made the boat out of raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree.'
'But, where did you get the tools?'
'Oh, that was no problem,' replied the woman. 'On the south side of the Island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron. I used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware.'
The guy is stunned.
'Let's row over to my place,' she says. After a few minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at as mall wharf.As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat. Before him is stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house, she says casually, 'It's not much but I call it home. Sit down, please.
Would you like a drink?'
'No! No thank you,' he blurts out, still dazed. 'I can't take another drop of coconut juice.'
'It's not coconut juice,' winks the woman. 'I have a still. How would you like a Pina Colada?'
Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk. After they have exchanged their stories, the woman announces, 'I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor in the bathroom cabinet.'
No longer questioning anything, the man goes into the bathroom.
There, in the cabinet, is a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism.
'This woman is amazing,' he muses. 'What next?'
When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines, strategically positioned, and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckons for him to sit down next to her.
'Tell me,' she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, 'We've been out here for many months.You've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for?'
She stares into his eyes...
He swallows excitedly and tears start to form in his eyes...
'F ***ing hell, don't tell me you've got Sky Sports too?'
He found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing; only bananas and coconuts. After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows
up to the shore.
In disbelief, he asks, 'Where did you come from? How did you get here?' She replied, 'I rowed from the other side of the island. I landed here when my cruise ship sank.'
'Amazing,' he notes. 'You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you.'
'Oh,this thing?' explains the woman. 'I made the boat out of raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree.'
'But, where did you get the tools?'
'Oh, that was no problem,' replied the woman. 'On the south side of the Island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron. I used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware.'
The guy is stunned.
'Let's row over to my place,' she says. After a few minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at as mall wharf.As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat. Before him is stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house, she says casually, 'It's not much but I call it home. Sit down, please.
Would you like a drink?'
'No! No thank you,' he blurts out, still dazed. 'I can't take another drop of coconut juice.'
'It's not coconut juice,' winks the woman. 'I have a still. How would you like a Pina Colada?'
Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk. After they have exchanged their stories, the woman announces, 'I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor in the bathroom cabinet.'
No longer questioning anything, the man goes into the bathroom.
There, in the cabinet, is a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism.
'This woman is amazing,' he muses. 'What next?'
When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines, strategically positioned, and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckons for him to sit down next to her.
'Tell me,' she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, 'We've been out here for many months.You've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for?'
She stares into his eyes...
He swallows excitedly and tears start to form in his eyes...
'F ***ing hell, don't tell me you've got Sky Sports too?'
RabidAlien
1st Lieutenant
Maestro
Master Sergeant
ToughOmbre
Senior Master Sergeant
DO you know what happened 160 years ago this fall... back in 1850?
California became a state. The people had no electricity.
The state had no money.
Almost everyone spoke Spanish.
There were gunfights in the streets.
So, basically nothing has changed, except.....
back then the women had real tits and the men didn't hold hands.
TO
California became a state. The people had no electricity.
The state had no money.
Almost everyone spoke Spanish.
There were gunfights in the streets.
So, basically nothing has changed, except.....
back then the women had real tits and the men didn't hold hands.
TO
RabidAlien
1st Lieutenant
BikerBabe
Senior Master Sergeant
I discovered the homepage Damn You Auto Correct! - Funny iPhone Fails and Autocorrect Horror Stories
Here's a few examples:
...I'm totally in stitches here, these are just the examples with somewhat clean language. Check out the other ones at the page. *wipes eyes, then continues laughing fit*
Here's a few examples:
...I'm totally in stitches here, these are just the examples with somewhat clean language. Check out the other ones at the page. *wipes eyes, then continues laughing fit*
RabidAlien
1st Lieutenant
LOL Those are good!
not bad at all!
vikingBerserker
Lieutenant General
...and nice TO!
Had a few moments myself while sending texts, usually spot the auto-correct fails before sending though...
YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF. . .
1. You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.
2. You can entertain yourself for more than an hour with just a fly swatter.
3. Your yard has ever been mistaken for a recycling center.
4. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.
5. You burn your yard rather than mow it.
6. You think the Nutcracker is something you do off the high dive.
7. The Salvation Army declines your mattress.
8. Your entire family has ever sat around waiting for a call from the governor to spare a loved one.
9. You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they refuse it.
10. You have the local taxidermist on speed dial.
11. You come back from the dump with more than you took.
12. You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.
13. Your grandmother has "Ammo" on her Christmas list.
14. You think a subdivision is part of a math problem.
15. You've ever bathed with flea and tick soap.
16. You've ever been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.
17. Your kids take a siphon hose to school for show and tell.
18. You go to the stock car races and don't need a program.
19. You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.
20. You use a rag for a gas cap.
21. Your house doesn't have curtains but your truck does.
22. You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.
23. You can spit without opening your mouth.
24. You consider your license plate personalized because your daddy made it.
25. Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
26. You sit on your roof at Christmas time hoping to fill your deer quota.
27. You have a complete set of salad bowls that say "Cool Whip" on the side.
28. The biggest city you've ever been to is Wal-Mart.
29. Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV.
30. You thought the Unabomber was a WWF wrestler.
31. You've used your ironing board as a buffet table.
32. You think a quarter horse is that ride in front of K-Mart.
33. Your neighbors think you're a detective because a cop always brings you home.
34. A tornado hits your neighborhood and does $100,000 worth of improvement.
35. You've ever used a toilet brush as a back scratcher.
36. You've ever asked the preacher, "How's it hangin'?"
37. You missed your 5th grade graduation because you had jury duty.
38. You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65 mph.
39. You've ever mowed your lawn and found a car.
40. There are more appliances on your front porch than in your kitchen.
41. Your home is mobile but your car isn't.
42. Your front porch collapses and kills more than five coon hounds.
43. You brush your tooth every night before bed.
44. Your "good China" dinner plates have Elvis' picture on them.
45. You have an 8-track player in your pickup... and you still use it.
46. You think a Volvo is part of a woman's anatomy.
47. You walk your kid to school every day because you're in the same grade.
48. Your idea of a great vacation is going to a Wal Mart in another town.
49. You consider your family reunion a great place to meet girls.
50. Your idea of "safe sex" is padded arm rests in the back seat of a car.
51. You think a 6-pack of Bud and a bug-zapper are a fun evening's entertainment.
52. You've always believed that the last four words of our National Anthem are "Gentlemen, start your engines!".
53. You've ever had to climb the city water tower with a can of paint in order to defend your sister's honor.
54. You can belch all 26 letters of the alphabet... on one breath.
55. Your wife and your sister are the same person.
56. You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.
57. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
58. Jack Daniels and Johnny Walker top your list of "Most Admired Men."
59. Anyone in your family ever died right after saying, "Hey, y'all watch this."
60. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
61. Your wife's hairdo was ever ruined by a ceiling fan.
62. Your high school prom had daycare.
63. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.
64. The Blue Book value of your truck goes up or down depending on how much gas is in the tank.
65. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.
66. One or more of your kids was born on a pool table.
67. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.
68. You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it.
69. You think loading a dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.
70. Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.
71. The biggest city you've ever been to is Wal Mart.
72. Somebody tells you that you've got something in your teeth and you take them out to see what it is.
73. You've ever stared at a can of orange juice because the label said "concentrate".
74. You've ever been too drunk to fish.
75. The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.
76. Your standard of living improves when you go camping.
77. Your prenuptial agreement mentions chickens.
78. You have jacked up your home to look for a dog.
79. You have a relative living in your garage.
80. Your neighbor has ever asked to borrow a quart of beer.
81. There is a belch on your answering machine greeting.
82. You have ever rebuilt a carburetor while sitting on the commode.
83. None of the tires on your van are the same size.
84. You hold up the hood of your car with your head while you work on it.
85. Your idea of "getting lucky" is passing the vehicle emissions test.
86. Your town put the new garbage truck in the Christmas parade.
87. Your local beauty salon also fixes cars.
88. Your doghouse and your living room have the same shag carpet.
89. Starting your car involves popping the hood.
90. Your garbage man is confused about what goes and what stays.
91. You whistle at women in church.
92. You actually wear shoes your dog brought home.
93. You've been in a fistfight at a yard sale.
94. You carry a fly swatter in the front seat of the car so you can reach the kids in the back seat.
95. You've ever slow danced in the Waffle House.
96. Your best jacket has a beer advertisement on the back of it.
97. Nobody has ever asked your wife for one of her recipes.
98. You are the legal heir to a fireworks stand.
99. Your best sofa came out of a Chevrolet.
100. You've used food stamps while out on a date.
101. Your wife has to ask, "What color shoes do I have on?"
102. You've been on TV more than once describing what a tornado sounded like.
103. You sharpen knives for a lot of people but it is not your occupation.
104. Your pickup has a bumper sticker that says, "My kid whipped your honor student's ass."
105. Most of the socks you own allow you to cut some of your toenails while wearing them.
106. You're naked come laundry day.
107. Any of your children were conceived in a bass boat.
108. You've ever skinny-dipped in an inflatable pool.
109. You've ever had a wreck because a wasp was in your car.
110. The sheriff regularly speaks to you through a megaphone.
111. Your gazebo is an old satellite dish held up by PVC pipes.
112. Your checks feature pictures of dogs fighting.
113. You tie down the furniture in the back of your truck with a garden hose.
114. Property downwind of your home is virtually worthless.
115. You've ever used the kids' swingset as a clothesline.
116. Your mama is banned from the front-row seats at wrestling matches.
117. You mouth the lines while watching Dukes of Hazzard reruns.
118. Your kids can't use the sandbox because the cats do.
119. Your daddy handed out cigarettes the day you were born.
120. You think "hiding your valuables" means putting your box of Moon Pies under the couch.
122. You've ever waited in line overnight for a tire sale.
123. Little Debbie tops your list of "Most Admired Women."
124. Your favorite car of all time is the General Lee.
125. You don't understand why "Carter Country" was considered a comedy show.
1. You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.
2. You can entertain yourself for more than an hour with just a fly swatter.
3. Your yard has ever been mistaken for a recycling center.
4. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.
5. You burn your yard rather than mow it.
6. You think the Nutcracker is something you do off the high dive.
7. The Salvation Army declines your mattress.
8. Your entire family has ever sat around waiting for a call from the governor to spare a loved one.
9. You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they refuse it.
10. You have the local taxidermist on speed dial.
11. You come back from the dump with more than you took.
12. You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.
13. Your grandmother has "Ammo" on her Christmas list.
14. You think a subdivision is part of a math problem.
15. You've ever bathed with flea and tick soap.
16. You've ever been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.
17. Your kids take a siphon hose to school for show and tell.
18. You go to the stock car races and don't need a program.
19. You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.
20. You use a rag for a gas cap.
21. Your house doesn't have curtains but your truck does.
22. You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.
23. You can spit without opening your mouth.
24. You consider your license plate personalized because your daddy made it.
25. Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
26. You sit on your roof at Christmas time hoping to fill your deer quota.
27. You have a complete set of salad bowls that say "Cool Whip" on the side.
28. The biggest city you've ever been to is Wal-Mart.
29. Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV.
30. You thought the Unabomber was a WWF wrestler.
31. You've used your ironing board as a buffet table.
32. You think a quarter horse is that ride in front of K-Mart.
33. Your neighbors think you're a detective because a cop always brings you home.
34. A tornado hits your neighborhood and does $100,000 worth of improvement.
35. You've ever used a toilet brush as a back scratcher.
36. You've ever asked the preacher, "How's it hangin'?"
37. You missed your 5th grade graduation because you had jury duty.
38. You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65 mph.
39. You've ever mowed your lawn and found a car.
40. There are more appliances on your front porch than in your kitchen.
41. Your home is mobile but your car isn't.
42. Your front porch collapses and kills more than five coon hounds.
43. You brush your tooth every night before bed.
44. Your "good China" dinner plates have Elvis' picture on them.
45. You have an 8-track player in your pickup... and you still use it.
46. You think a Volvo is part of a woman's anatomy.
47. You walk your kid to school every day because you're in the same grade.
48. Your idea of a great vacation is going to a Wal Mart in another town.
49. You consider your family reunion a great place to meet girls.
50. Your idea of "safe sex" is padded arm rests in the back seat of a car.
51. You think a 6-pack of Bud and a bug-zapper are a fun evening's entertainment.
52. You've always believed that the last four words of our National Anthem are "Gentlemen, start your engines!".
53. You've ever had to climb the city water tower with a can of paint in order to defend your sister's honor.
54. You can belch all 26 letters of the alphabet... on one breath.
55. Your wife and your sister are the same person.
56. You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.
57. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
58. Jack Daniels and Johnny Walker top your list of "Most Admired Men."
59. Anyone in your family ever died right after saying, "Hey, y'all watch this."
60. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
61. Your wife's hairdo was ever ruined by a ceiling fan.
62. Your high school prom had daycare.
63. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.
64. The Blue Book value of your truck goes up or down depending on how much gas is in the tank.
65. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.
66. One or more of your kids was born on a pool table.
67. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.
68. You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it.
69. You think loading a dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.
70. Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.
71. The biggest city you've ever been to is Wal Mart.
72. Somebody tells you that you've got something in your teeth and you take them out to see what it is.
73. You've ever stared at a can of orange juice because the label said "concentrate".
74. You've ever been too drunk to fish.
75. The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.
76. Your standard of living improves when you go camping.
77. Your prenuptial agreement mentions chickens.
78. You have jacked up your home to look for a dog.
79. You have a relative living in your garage.
80. Your neighbor has ever asked to borrow a quart of beer.
81. There is a belch on your answering machine greeting.
82. You have ever rebuilt a carburetor while sitting on the commode.
83. None of the tires on your van are the same size.
84. You hold up the hood of your car with your head while you work on it.
85. Your idea of "getting lucky" is passing the vehicle emissions test.
86. Your town put the new garbage truck in the Christmas parade.
87. Your local beauty salon also fixes cars.
88. Your doghouse and your living room have the same shag carpet.
89. Starting your car involves popping the hood.
90. Your garbage man is confused about what goes and what stays.
91. You whistle at women in church.
92. You actually wear shoes your dog brought home.
93. You've been in a fistfight at a yard sale.
94. You carry a fly swatter in the front seat of the car so you can reach the kids in the back seat.
95. You've ever slow danced in the Waffle House.
96. Your best jacket has a beer advertisement on the back of it.
97. Nobody has ever asked your wife for one of her recipes.
98. You are the legal heir to a fireworks stand.
99. Your best sofa came out of a Chevrolet.
100. You've used food stamps while out on a date.
101. Your wife has to ask, "What color shoes do I have on?"
102. You've been on TV more than once describing what a tornado sounded like.
103. You sharpen knives for a lot of people but it is not your occupation.
104. Your pickup has a bumper sticker that says, "My kid whipped your honor student's ass."
105. Most of the socks you own allow you to cut some of your toenails while wearing them.
106. You're naked come laundry day.
107. Any of your children were conceived in a bass boat.
108. You've ever skinny-dipped in an inflatable pool.
109. You've ever had a wreck because a wasp was in your car.
110. The sheriff regularly speaks to you through a megaphone.
111. Your gazebo is an old satellite dish held up by PVC pipes.
112. Your checks feature pictures of dogs fighting.
113. You tie down the furniture in the back of your truck with a garden hose.
114. Property downwind of your home is virtually worthless.
115. You've ever used the kids' swingset as a clothesline.
116. Your mama is banned from the front-row seats at wrestling matches.
117. You mouth the lines while watching Dukes of Hazzard reruns.
118. Your kids can't use the sandbox because the cats do.
119. Your daddy handed out cigarettes the day you were born.
120. You think "hiding your valuables" means putting your box of Moon Pies under the couch.
122. You've ever waited in line overnight for a tire sale.
123. Little Debbie tops your list of "Most Admired Women."
124. Your favorite car of all time is the General Lee.
125. You don't understand why "Carter Country" was considered a comedy show.
RabidAlien
1st Lieutenant
Aaron Brooks Wolters
Brigadier General
Hey! Are you making fun of me?!!
T Bolt
Colonel
My laughing at 53 woke up the kids!
53. You've ever had to climb the city water tower with a can of paint in order to defend your sister's honor.
53. You've ever had to climb the city water tower with a can of paint in order to defend your sister's honor.
