Quotes and Jokes (3 Viewers)

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Just got this in the E-mail.

A husband walks into Victoria 's Secret to purchase a sheer negligee for
his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500
in price -- the more sheer, the higher the price. He opts for the
sheerest item, pays the $500, and takes it home.

He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on, and
model it for him.





Upstairs, the wife thinks (she's no dummy), "I have an idea ... it's so
sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on, I'll do the
modeling naked, return it tomorrow, and keep the $500 refund for
myself."

She appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose.

The husband says, "Good Grief! You'd think for $500, they'd at least
iron it!"

He never heard the shot.

Funeral is on Thursday at Noon .

The coffin will be closed.
 
Our teacher asked us what our favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken."
She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, because everyone else in the class laughed.

My parents told me to always be truthful and honest, and I am. Fried chicken is my favorite animal. I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA.
He said they love animals very much.

I do, too, especially chicken, pork and beef. Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office. I told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again.

The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was.
I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, just like she'd asked the other children.

So I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken.

She sent me back to the principal's office again. He laughed, and told me not to do it again. I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am.

Today, my teacher asked us to tell her what famous person we admire most.


I told her, "Colonel Sanders."

Guess where I am now...
 
A drunk man, who smelled of liquor, sat down on a subway next to a priest..



The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading.

After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, 'Say Father, do you know what causes arthritis?'



The priest replies, 'My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath.'



The drunk muttered in response, 'Well, I'll be damned, ' Then returned to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. 'I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?'



The drunk answered, 'I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does.'
 


A fellow walked into a pet store and was looking at the animals on
display.
While he was there, a Master Sergeant from the local Air Force Base
walked in and said to the shopkeeper, "I'd like a line-service monkey,
please."

The clerk nodded, went to a cage at the side of the store and took out a
monkey. He put a collar and leash on the animal and handed it to the
Chief,
"That'll be $1,000.00" The Sergeant paid and left with the monkey.

Surprised, the fellow went to the shopkeeper and said, "That was a very
expensive monkey. Most of them here are only a few hundred dollars. Why
did that one cost so much?"

The shopkeeper answered, "Ah -- that was a line-service monkey. He can
park, fuel, and service all Air Force aircraft, conduct all required
ground ops testing, rig aircraft flight controls, and all with zero mistakes.
He's well worth the money."

With his interest peaked, the fellow looked around and spotted a monkey
in another cage with a $10,000.00 price tag. "That one's really expensive!
What can it do?"

"Oh, that one is a maintenance supervisor monkey. He can instruct at all
levels of aircraft maintenance, supervise all corrective and preventive
maintenance programs, supervise a crew of maintainers, and even do most
of the paperwork. A very useful monkey indeed," replied the shopkeeper.

The guy looked around a little more and found another monkey in a cage at
the back of the store. The price tag read, $50,000.00. "Holy ****!
What does this one do?"

"Well, the shopkeeper said, I've never actually seen him do anything but
drink beer, play with the girl monkeys, and scratch his butt,

but his papers say he's a pilot."
 
Ran across B-17's post about his dad and it reminded me of this:
A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Sheriffs Deputy.

He thinks that he is smarter than the Deputy because he is sure that he has a better education.

He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the deputies expense...

Deputy says, "License and registration, please."

Lawyer says, "What for?"

Deputy says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign ."

Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."

Deputy says, "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and registration, please."

Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"

Deputy says, "The difference is, you have to come to a complete stop, that's the law. License and registration, please!"

Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration and you give me the ticket, if not you let me go and no ticket."

Deputy says, "OK, exit your vehicle and I'll show you, sir."

As the lawyer steps out of his car, the deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating the ever-loving #%$@ out of the lawyer and says: "Do you want me to stop or just slow down?"
 

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