Quotes and Jokes (4 Viewers)

YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF. . .

1. You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.

2. You can entertain yourself for more than an hour with just a fly swatter.

3. Your yard has ever been mistaken for a recycling center.

4. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.

5. You burn your yard rather than mow it.

6. You think the Nutcracker is something you do off the high dive.

7. The Salvation Army declines your mattress.

8. Your entire family has ever sat around waiting for a call from the governor to spare a loved one.

9. You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they refuse it.

10. You have the local taxidermist on speed dial.

11. You come back from the dump with more than you took.

12. You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.

13. Your grandmother has "Ammo" on her Christmas list.

14. You think a subdivision is part of a math problem.

15. You've ever bathed with flea and tick soap.

16. You've ever been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.

17. Your kids take a siphon hose to school for show and tell.

18. You go to the stock car races and don't need a program.

19. You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.

20. You use a rag for a gas cap.

21. Your house doesn't have curtains but your truck does.

22. You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.

23. You can spit without opening your mouth.

24. You consider your license plate personalized because your daddy made it.

25. Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.

26. You sit on your roof at Christmas time hoping to fill your deer quota.

27. You have a complete set of salad bowls that say "Cool Whip" on the side.

28. The biggest city you've ever been to is Wal-Mart.

29. Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV.

30. You thought the Unabomber was a WWF wrestler.

31. You've used your ironing board as a buffet table.

32. You think a quarter horse is that ride in front of K-Mart.

33. Your neighbors think you're a detective because a cop always brings you home.

34. A tornado hits your neighborhood and does $100,000 worth of improvement.

35. You've ever used a toilet brush as a back scratcher.

36. You've ever asked the preacher, "How's it hangin'?"

37. You missed your 5th grade graduation because you had jury duty.

38. You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65 mph.

39. You've ever mowed your lawn and found a car.

40. There are more appliances on your front porch than in your kitchen.

41. Your home is mobile but your car isn't.

42. Your front porch collapses and kills more than five coon hounds.

43. You brush your tooth every night before bed.

44. Your "good China" dinner plates have Elvis' picture on them.

45. You have an 8-track player in your pickup... and you still use it.

46. You think a Volvo is part of a woman's anatomy.

47. You walk your kid to school every day because you're in the same grade.

48. Your idea of a great vacation is going to a Wal Mart in another town.

49. You consider your family reunion a great place to meet girls.

50. Your idea of "safe sex" is padded arm rests in the back seat of a car.

51. You think a 6-pack of Bud and a bug-zapper are a fun evening's entertainment.

52. You've always believed that the last four words of our National Anthem are "Gentlemen, start your engines!".

53. You've ever had to climb the city water tower with a can of paint in order to defend your sister's honor.

54. You can belch all 26 letters of the alphabet... on one breath.

55. Your wife and your sister are the same person.

56. You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.

57. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

58. Jack Daniels and Johnny Walker top your list of "Most Admired Men."

59. Anyone in your family ever died right after saying, "Hey, y'all watch this."

60. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.

61. Your wife's hairdo was ever ruined by a ceiling fan.

62. Your high school prom had daycare.

63. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.

64. The Blue Book value of your truck goes up or down depending on how much gas is in the tank.

65. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.

66. One or more of your kids was born on a pool table.

67. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.

68. You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it.

69. You think loading a dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.

70. Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.

71. The biggest city you've ever been to is Wal Mart.

72. Somebody tells you that you've got something in your teeth and you take them out to see what it is.

73. You've ever stared at a can of orange juice because the label said "concentrate".

74. You've ever been too drunk to fish.

75. The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.

76. Your standard of living improves when you go camping.

77. Your prenuptial agreement mentions chickens.

78. You have jacked up your home to look for a dog.

79. You have a relative living in your garage.

80. Your neighbor has ever asked to borrow a quart of beer.

81. There is a belch on your answering machine greeting.

82. You have ever rebuilt a carburetor while sitting on the commode.

83. None of the tires on your van are the same size.

84. You hold up the hood of your car with your head while you work on it.

85. Your idea of "getting lucky" is passing the vehicle emissions test.

86. Your town put the new garbage truck in the Christmas parade.

87. Your local beauty salon also fixes cars.

88. Your doghouse and your living room have the same shag carpet.

89. Starting your car involves popping the hood.

90. Your garbage man is confused about what goes and what stays.

91. You whistle at women in church.

92. You actually wear shoes your dog brought home.

93. You've been in a fistfight at a yard sale.

94. You carry a fly swatter in the front seat of the car so you can reach the kids in the back seat.

95. You've ever slow danced in the Waffle House.

96. Your best jacket has a beer advertisement on the back of it.

97. Nobody has ever asked your wife for one of her recipes.

98. You are the legal heir to a fireworks stand.

99. Your best sofa came out of a Chevrolet.

100. You've used food stamps while out on a date.

101. Your wife has to ask, "What color shoes do I have on?"

102. You've been on TV more than once describing what a tornado sounded like.

103. You sharpen knives for a lot of people but it is not your occupation.

104. Your pickup has a bumper sticker that says, "My kid whipped your honor student's ass."

105. Most of the socks you own allow you to cut some of your toenails while wearing them.

106. You're naked come laundry day.

107. Any of your children were conceived in a bass boat.

108. You've ever skinny-dipped in an inflatable pool.

109. You've ever had a wreck because a wasp was in your car.

110. The sheriff regularly speaks to you through a megaphone.

111. Your gazebo is an old satellite dish held up by PVC pipes.

112. Your checks feature pictures of dogs fighting.

113. You tie down the furniture in the back of your truck with a garden hose.

114. Property downwind of your home is virtually worthless.

115. You've ever used the kids' swingset as a clothesline.

116. Your mama is banned from the front-row seats at wrestling matches.

117. You mouth the lines while watching Dukes of Hazzard reruns.

118. Your kids can't use the sandbox because the cats do.

119. Your daddy handed out cigarettes the day you were born.

120. You think "hiding your valuables" means putting your box of Moon Pies under the couch.

122. You've ever waited in line overnight for a tire sale.

123. Little Debbie tops your list of "Most Admired Women."

124. Your favorite car of all time is the General Lee.

125. You don't understand why "Carter Country" was considered a comedy show.

You might be a Redneck Pilot If:

1. Your stall warning honker plays DIXIE.

2. Your cross-country flight plan uses flea markets as checkpoints.

3. You think sectionals should show trailer parks.

4. You've ever used moonshine as a substitute for 100LL.

5. Your Cherokee's wheel pants have mud flaps with a chrome silhouette of a reclining nude girl.

6. Your toothpick keeps poking your hand mic.

7. You've ever taxied around the airport just drinking beer.

8. You wouldn't be caught dead in a Grumman Yankee!

9. You use an old grain sack as a windsock.

10. You constantly confuse "Beechcraft" with "Beechnut."

11. You've never flown a nose-wheel airplane.

12. You refer to formation flying as "We got us a convoy."

13. Your matched set of lightweight flying luggage is 3 grocery bags from Wal-Mart.

14. You have a gun rack in the rear window of your plane.

15. You have duct tape holding your engine cowling on.

16. You figure external mud and manure in your weight and balance calculations.

17. You siphon gas from your tractor to go flying.

18. You've ever taxied to the far end of the runway just to get the newspaper so you could wrap the day's catch.

19. You've ever ground looped to avoid hitting a cow or a wild boar.

20. You consider anything over 500 AGL as High Altitude Flying.

21. There are parts on your aircraft labeled "John Deere."

22. You don't own a current sectional, but have all the Texaco road maps for your area.

23. There's a brown streak down each side of your airplane; exhaust on the right side and tobacco juice on the left.

24. You have to buzz the strip to chase off the livestock before landing.

25. You use an old parachute for a portable hanger.

26. You've ever landed on Main Street for a cup of coffee.

27. The tread pattern, if any, on all three of your tires is different.

28. You have a pair of fuzzy dice hanging from the Magnetic Compass.

29. You put straw in the baggage compartment so your dogs don't get cold.

30. You've got matching bumper stickers on each side of the vertical stabilizer.

31. There are grass stains on the tips of your propeller.

32. Somewhere on your plane, there's a bumper sticker that reads "I'd rather be fishing."

33. You navigate with your ADF tuned to only AM country stations.

34. You think an "ultra-light" is a new sissy beer from Rolling Rock.

35. Just before the crash, everybody on the UNICOM heard you say, "Hey, y'all, watch this!"

That took some getting through, Gary...

Its all based on how I run my life !

A fighter pilot goes to a bar after a good days flying. Whilst there he meets a young, attractive and available lady. She is charmed by his tales of aerial combat, high speed flight, and death defying feats. The inevitable happens and they slip away to somewhere more comfortable for an evenings intimate entertainment.

Much later that night the pilot drives home to his long suffering wife. On the way he puts on his oxygen mask and draws the straps up as tight as they will go. When he gets home he removes the mask and bravely enters the house. Immediately he tells the wife exactly and honestly what he has been up to that evening.

She replies: "Do not lie to me, I can see you have been flying that damned airplane yet again".

Perfect, never try for innocence, it never works

Found a few good ones.

Pervert? Who? That's just shellfish right?

Good one RA, been there , done that !..

On the same subject...

To the tune of Bohemian Raphsody

Naan, just killed a man
Poppadom against his head
Had Lime Pickle now he's dead
Naan, dinners just begun
But now I'm gonna crap it all away
Naan, ooh ooh
Didn't mean to make you cry
seen nothing yet just the loo tomorrow
curry on, curry on
Cause nothing really Madras
Too late my dinners gone
Sends shivers down my spine
Rectum aching all the time
Goodbye Onion Bhaji, I've got to go
Gotta leave you all behind and use the loo
Naan, ooh ooh
This Dopiaza is so mild
I sometime wish we'd never come here at all
Solo
I see a little Chicken Tikka on the side
Rogan Josh, Rogan Josh pass the chutney made of Mango
Vindaloo does nicely
Very Very Spicey
Meat !
Byriani (Byriani)
Byriani (Byriani)
Byrani and a Naan (a Vindaloo loo loo loo)
I've eaten Balti, somebody help me
He's eaten Balti, get him to the lavatory
Stand you well back
'case the loo is quarantined……
Here it comes
There it goes
Technicolour yawn
I chunder
NO !
I'ts coming up again (there he goes)
I chunder, its coming back again (there he goes)
Coming back again (up again)
Her it comes again
(No No No No No No NO)
on my knees, I'm on my knees
On his knees, there he goes
This vindaloo
Is about to wreck my guts
Poor me…poor me…poor me!
Solo
So you think you can chunder and then feel alright
So you try to eat curry and drink beer all night
Oh maybe, but now you'll puke like a baby
Just had to come out
Solo (slow bit)
Korma, Sag or Bhuna
Bhaji, Balti or Naan
Nothing makes a difference
Nothing makes a difference
To meeeee
Anyway, you wind blows….ssssshhhhhhhhhh

Not that I don't enjoy a good scatological joke but