Quotes and Jokes (1 Viewer)

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Saw this on another forum.

MY LIVING WILL:

Last night, my kids stopped by and we're sitting in the living room and I said to them, 'I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.'



They got up, unplugged the Computer, and threw out my beer.



They are SO on my s*** list ...

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Wheels
 
A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.

'Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?'

'Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature.'

The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, 'It looks like you have seen a lot of action.'

'Yes, ma'am, a lot of action.'

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, 'You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself.'

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner. Finally the young lady said, 'You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?'



'1955, ma'am.'


'Well, there you are. No wonder you're so serious. You really need to chill out! I mean, no sex since 1955! She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to 'relax' him several times.

Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, 'Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955.'

The Sergeant Major said in his serious voice, after glancing at his watch, 'I hope not; it's only 2130 now.'

(Gotta love military time)
 
A plane leaves Heathrow airport under the control of a Jewish captain. His co-pilot is Chinese.

It's the first time they've flown together and an awkward silence between the two, seems to indicate a mutual dislike.

Once they reach cruising altitude, the Jewish captain activates the auto-pilot, leans back in his seat, and mutters, "I don't like Chinese."

"No rike Chinese?" asks the co-pilot, "why not?"

"You people bombed Pearl Harbor , that's why!"

"No, no," the co-pilot protests, "Chinese not bomb Pearl Hahbah! That Japanese, not Chinese."

"Japanese, Chinese, Vietnamese, doesn't matter, you're all alike!"

There's a few minutes of silence.

"I no rike Jews either!" the co-pilot suddenly announces.

"Oh yeah, why not?" asks the captain.

"Jews sink Titanic!" says the co-pilot.

"What? That's insane! Jews didn't sink the Titanic!" exclaims the captain, "It was an Iceberg!"

"Iceberg, Goldberg, Greenberg, Rosenberg , No mattah... all same!!!"
 
another from the mailbox

Carnation Milk 65 Years Ago. This is PRICELESS

A little old lady from Wisconsin had worked in and around her family dairy farms since she was old enough to walk, with hours of hard work and little compensation.


When canned Carnation Milk became available in grocery stores in the 1940s, she read an advertisement offering $5,000 for the best slogan. The producers wanted a rhyme beginning With 'Carnation Milk is best of all.'

She thought to herself, I know all about milk and dairy farms. I can do this! She sent in her entry, and several weeks later, a black limo pulled up in front of her house.
A man got out and said, 'Carnation' LOVED your entry so much! We are here to award you $2,000 even though we will not be able to use it!'
 

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