Quotes and Jokes

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Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near a gas station that was closed for the night. They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien addressed it saying, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader."

The gas pump, of course, didn't respond.

The younger alien became angry at the lack of response.

The older alien said, 'I'd calm down if I were you.'

The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting. Again, there was no response.

Miffed at the pump's haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said gruffly, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader or I will fire!"

The older alien again warned his comrade saying, 'You probably don't want to do that! I really think that will make him mad.'

'Rubbish,' replied the cocky, young alien. He aimed his weapon and opened fire.. There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared towards him and blew the younger alien off his feet and threw him in a burnt, smoking mess about 200 yards away in a cactus patch.

Half an hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he refocused his three eyes, straightened his bent antenna, and looked dazedly at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big, green head.

'What a ferocious creature!' exclaimed the young, fried alien. 'He damn near killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?'

The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend and replied, 'If there's one thing I've learned during my intergalactic travels, you never mess with a guy who can loop his d*ck over his shoulder twice and then stick it in his ear.
 
When Grandma goes to court...
 

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A fiftyish woman was at home happily jumping on her bed and squealing with delight.
Her husband watches her for a while and asks, "Do you have any idea how ridiculous you look? What's the matter with you?"
The woman continues to bounce on the bed and says, "I don't care. I just came from having a mammogram and the doctor says I have the breasts of an 18 year-old."
The husband said, "What did he say about your 56 year old ass?"
"Your name never came up," she replied
 
A gorgeous young lady meets a Marine Gunnery Sergeant in a bar. They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together. They go back to his place.

As he shows her around his apartment, she is struck by the fact that his bedroom is completely packed with literally hundreds of sweet, cuddly teddy bears which are neatly organized on three shelves running the length of the room along one wall. Small, adorable teddy bears fill the bottom shelf, cute cuddly medium-sized ones adorn the next higher shelf and Huge enormous bears are perched on the top shelf.

The woman is quite surprised that a manly Marine Gunny would have such an extensive collection of teddy bears. Although she decides not to question him about it, she's actually quite impressed by this unexpected evidence of his sensitive side!

After another drink, she turns to him, invitingly. They kiss softly... then again. Soon their passion overwhelms them, and she leads him quietly to the bedroom.

After spending an intense night of passion with the Marine, while they are lying there together in the afterglow, the woman slowly rolls toward him and asks, smiling, "Well, how was it for you?"

The Marine, stifling back a slight yawn replies: "Help yourself to any prize from the bottom shelf."
 

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