Quotes and Jokes

[Wayne Little]

A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00.

"Why so little?" she asked the pet store owner.

The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of Prostitution, and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff."

The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway. She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something.

The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, New madam." The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought "that's really not so bad." When her two teenage daughters returned from school the bird saw and said, "New house, new madam, new girls." The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation considering how and where the parrot had been raised. Moments later, the woman's husband Keith came home from work.

The bird looked at him and said, "Hi, Keith."

 

[RabidAlien]

LOL

 

[Crimea_River]

 

[Gnomey]

Heard this on the radio today.

Country borrowing rates are like lager. Once they get above 7% you know they are going to collapse...

 

[razor1uk]

lol, sounds quite accurate too Gnomey...

[quote="Space: Above and Beyond" The Angriest Angel (1996)]
Commodore Glen Van Ross: Chance? Colonel, even if the device in your thick skull does not full on
erupt during ACM, it would at the very least stress your temporal lobe
to the point of loss of consciousness, seizure and death! I refuse to
hand the Chigs a 'gimmie'!

Commodore Glen Van Ross: I'll be a son of a b*tch if I go to your funeral, Ty.

Lt. Col. Tyrus Cassius "TC" McQueen: Yes you would sir. But we'll talk about your mother when I get back.[/quote]

 

[Geedee]

Research has shown there are 7 kinds of sex:

The 1st kind of sex is called: Smurf Sex. - This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone, and you both have sex until you are blue in the face.

The 2nd kind of sex is called: Kitchen Sex. - This is when you have been with your partner for a short time, and you are so needy you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.

The 3rd kind of sex is called: Bedroom Sex. - This is when you have been with your partner for a long time, your sex has gotten routine, and you usually have sex only in your bedroom.

The 4th kind of sex is called: Hallway Sex - This is when you have been with your partner for too long. When you pass each other in the hallway you both say 'Screw you.'

The 5th kind of sex is called: Religious Sex. - This means you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the afternoon, and Nun at night. (Very Popular)

The 6th kind of sex is called: Courtroom Sex. - This is when you cannot stand your wife any more. She takes you to court and screws you in front of everyone.

The 7th kind of sex is called: Social Security Sex. - You get a little each month, but not enough to enjoy yourself.

 

[Aaron Brooks Wolters]

 

[Crimea_River]

 

[vikingBerserker]

 

[razor1uk]

8) muhuhaga somehow I can't help but feel I know a few of those too well...

 

[Aaron Brooks Wolters]

5 Minute Management Course

Lesson 1 :

A priest offered a Nun a lift.

She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg..

The priest nearly had an accident.

After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg...

The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg
again. The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'

Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed
to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find
glory.'

Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.

Lesson 2 :

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when
they find an antique oil lamp.

They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just
one wish.'




'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk.. 'I want to be in the Bahamas ,
driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.' Poof! She's gone.

'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on
the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas, and the
love of my life.' Poof! He's gone.

'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, 'I want those
two back in the office after lunch.'

Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.

Lesson 3


An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing..

A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do
nothing?' The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a
fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it..

Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.


Lesson 4


A turkey was chatting with a bull. 'I would love to be able to get to the top of
that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.'




'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. It's full
of nutrients.'

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough
strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.

The next day, after eating
some more dung, he reached the second branch..

Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the
tree.

He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

Moral of the story:
Bull **** might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there...

Lesson 5

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and
fell to the ground into a large field.

While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.

As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm
he was..

The dung was actually thawing him
out!

He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat
heard the bird singing and came to investigate.




Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and
promptly dug him out and ate him.

Moral of the story:
(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.

(2) Not everyone who gets you out of **** is your friend.

(3) And when you're in deep ****, it's best to keep your mouth shut!

THUS ENDS 5-MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE. Send this to at least, five bright
people who have enough sense of humor to take it .

 

[RabidAlien]

A blonde is on board a small two-seater airplane when suddenly the pilot dies. Not knowing how to fly a plane she grabs the radio.

"Mayday, Mayday! My pilot just died!"

Ground control received her call for help and answers back, "Don't worry, madam. We'll talk you down, just do as I say. First I need you to give me your height and position."

"I'm 5"2' and sitting in the right front seat."

Ground control: "Repeat after me: Our Father... who art in Heaven..."

 

[Crimea_River]

Good ones guys.

 

[Gnomey]

 

[Bernhart]

After living in the remote countryside of Ireland all his life, an old Irishman decided it was time to visit Dublin. In one of the stores he picks up a mirror and looks in it. Not ever having seen one before, he remarked at the image staring back at him. 'How 'bout that!' he exclaims,'Here's a picture of me Fadder.' He bought the mirror thinking it was a picture of his dad, but on the way home he remembered his wife didn'tlike his father, so he hung it in the shed, and every morning before leaving to go fishin', he would go thereand look at it. His wife began to get suspicious of these many trips to the shed thinking he was up to no good as he alwaysseemed to have a smile on his face when he left the shed. So, one day after her husband left, she went to the shed and found the mirror.. As she looked into the glass, she fumed, 'So that's the ugly bitch he's runnin'
around with.'

 

[Aaron Brooks Wolters]

 

[Crimea_River]

A man asks his friend, "Ever wake up feeling grumpy?"

"Naw", comes the reply, "I usually just let her sleep."

 

[RabidAlien]

 

[Wayne Little]

 

[Geedee]

Oh yeah....how true !!!