Quotes and Jokes
- Thread starter v2
- Start date
Ad: This forum contains affiliate links to products on Amazon and eBay. More information in Terms and rules
- Status
Johnny wanted to have sex with a girl in his office.....but she belonged to someone else...
One day Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and said,"I'll give you a $100 if you let me have you!"
But the girl said "NO!"
Johnny said, "I'll be fast, I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, and I'll be finished by the time you pick it up."
She thought for a moment and said that she would have to consult her boyfriend.....so she called her boyfriend and told him the story.
Her boyfriend said, "Ask him for $200, then pick up the money very fast. He won't even be able to get his pants down."
So she agrees and accepts the proposal. Half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is waiting for his girlfriend to call. Finally after 45 minutes the boyfriend calls and asks what happened.
She replied, "The bastard used coins!"
Management lesson: Always consider a business proposal in its entirety before agreeing to it and getting screwed.
One day Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and said,"I'll give you a $100 if you let me have you!"
But the girl said "NO!"
Johnny said, "I'll be fast, I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, and I'll be finished by the time you pick it up."
She thought for a moment and said that she would have to consult her boyfriend.....so she called her boyfriend and told him the story.
Her boyfriend said, "Ask him for $200, then pick up the money very fast. He won't even be able to get his pants down."
So she agrees and accepts the proposal. Half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is waiting for his girlfriend to call. Finally after 45 minutes the boyfriend calls and asks what happened.
She replied, "The bastard used coins!"
Management lesson: Always consider a business proposal in its entirety before agreeing to it and getting screwed.
Aaron Brooks Wolters
Brigadier General
RabidAlien
1st Lieutenant
About four or five years ago I was standing in a ticket line at the airport and a fellow in line parallel to mine had a golf bag slung over his shoulder. Since the line was long and airline ticketing is a slow process at best, we struck up a conversation.
He brightened when I admired his golf bag, and he proudly stated that he was on the PGA Tour. Then he turned to me and asked the question all golfers ask: "Do you play?"
I shook my head, "I used to, but I quit because I wasn't very good. I shot consistently in the lower seventies."
There was a long, low in-take of breath, then "The lower seventies?"
"Yes," I admitted.
"Consistently?" he queried admiringly.
"Every hole." I confessed.
He brightened when I admired his golf bag, and he proudly stated that he was on the PGA Tour. Then he turned to me and asked the question all golfers ask: "Do you play?"
I shook my head, "I used to, but I quit because I wasn't very good. I shot consistently in the lower seventies."
There was a long, low in-take of breath, then "The lower seventies?"
"Yes," I admitted.
"Consistently?" he queried admiringly.
"Every hole." I confessed.
vikingBerserker
Lieutenant General
That's how I play!
BikerBabe
Senior Master Sergeant
I've just discovered author Florian Meimberg's Tiny Tales (Max 140 characters), which I think is rather funny. 
Some examples:
"The anchor cleared his throat. That would be a news flash of a different kind. He held his weapon under the table. Red light."
"Nausea, sudden violent hunger, missing period. There was no doubt. Maria cleared her throat. "Joseph, we've got to talk!"
"Every single head of state had come together to greet the extraterrestrial visitors. Exactly how they had planned it: all in one place."
"He had crossed the sea. By foot. Somehow he had to sell that. He gathered his 12 best friends."
""The crop circles. Stonehenge. Michael Jackson. All for nothing." grunted the Alien Lord. And put the Earth on the list after all."
""Sorry. I have a boyfriend." Eve lied. She didn't like the guy from the get-go.
"Bummer", Adam mumbled and vanished back into the woods."
"Lisa couldn't forget the joke. She had to resist laughing, had to sit still. Da Vinci concentrated on painting."
Some examples:
"The anchor cleared his throat. That would be a news flash of a different kind. He held his weapon under the table. Red light."
"Nausea, sudden violent hunger, missing period. There was no doubt. Maria cleared her throat. "Joseph, we've got to talk!"
"Every single head of state had come together to greet the extraterrestrial visitors. Exactly how they had planned it: all in one place."
"He had crossed the sea. By foot. Somehow he had to sell that. He gathered his 12 best friends."
""The crop circles. Stonehenge. Michael Jackson. All for nothing." grunted the Alien Lord. And put the Earth on the list after all."
""Sorry. I have a boyfriend." Eve lied. She didn't like the guy from the get-go.
"Bummer", Adam mumbled and vanished back into the woods."
"Lisa couldn't forget the joke. She had to resist laughing, had to sit still. Da Vinci concentrated on painting."
RabidAlien
1st Lieutenant
Ha! That last one is great! You go, Lisa!
evangilder
"Shooter"
Four guys have been going to the same deer camp for many years. Two days before the group is to leave, Ron's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going.
Ron's friends are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do.
Two days later the three get to the camping site only to find Ron sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and dinner cooking on the fire.
"Dang man, how long you been here, and how did you talk your wife into letting you go?"
"Well, I've been here since yesterday. Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said, 'Guess who?'"
I pulled her hands off, and she was wearing a brand new nightie.
She took my hand and pulled me to our bedroom.
The room had candles and rose petals all over.
On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes!
She told me to tie and cuff her to the bed, and I did.
And then she said, "Do whatever you want."
So, Here I am.
Ron's friends are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do.
Two days later the three get to the camping site only to find Ron sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and dinner cooking on the fire.
"Dang man, how long you been here, and how did you talk your wife into letting you go?"
"Well, I've been here since yesterday. Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said, 'Guess who?'"
I pulled her hands off, and she was wearing a brand new nightie.
She took my hand and pulled me to our bedroom.
The room had candles and rose petals all over.
On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes!
She told me to tie and cuff her to the bed, and I did.
And then she said, "Do whatever you want."
So, Here I am.
RabidAlien
1st Lieutenant
Airframes
Benevolens Magister
This one is better when spoken:
A guy goes to the doctor and says "Please help me, I'm convinced I'm a piglet".
Doctor replies "What makes you think that then?"
"Well", answers the man, "I keep rolling round in s**t, snuffling along the ground with my nose and so on".
"And how long has this bee going on?" asks the doctor.
"Oh, about a weeeeeeeek!"
A guy goes to the doctor and says "Please help me, I'm convinced I'm a piglet".
Doctor replies "What makes you think that then?"
"Well", answers the man, "I keep rolling round in s**t, snuffling along the ground with my nose and so on".
"And how long has this bee going on?" asks the doctor.
"Oh, about a weeeeeeeek!"
RabidAlien
1st Lieutenant
Dang. And I thought MY jokes were bad! LOL
vikingBerserker
Lieutenant General
- Status
