Quotes and Jokes

[Crimea_River]

We had a outage at my place this morning and my PC, laptop, TV, DVD, iPad my new surround sound music system were all shut down. Then I discovered that my iPhone battery was flat and to top it off it was raining outside, so I couldn't play golf. I went into the kitchen to make coffee and then I remembered that this also needs power, so I talked with my wife for a few hours.

She seems like a nice person.

 

[vikingBerserker]

LMAO

 

[Gnomey]

 

[Wurger]

LMAO !!!!

 

[tengu1979]

Americans and Soviets decided to finish their animosities by An Air Race. USAF designated specially built F-15 for that purpose. How suprised they were to see the old Po-2 on the opponent side.
Russians talk to each other - Ivan. We cannot win so lets put a rope to their plane so we can at least stay behind.
- Yes, Comerade
So thats what they did.
Take off, climb at attitude all went well. F-15 pilot moves the throttle up and reports to tower:
- Mach 1. Russkie still with me
-Mach 1.5. Still with me
-Mach 2. Hes prepairing to overtake. Just changed wing geometry.

Over Pacific F-16 pilot catches an airliner. And says. - Ha you cannot do this!!!
And starts heavy aerobatics in vincinity of airliner.
When he stops the airliner pilot says to him.
- I am gonna do something you in your fighter cannot. And after that you will never call any other airliner pilot a bad pilot.
-OK
-OK I am starting.
1 minute - airliner flying straight
5 minutes - still flying straight
15 minutes - still flying straight.
-OK. Finished.
-What??? What you did I cannot. You were flying perfectly straight. Anyone could do that
-I went to have a wee...

 

[Wurger]

But the F fighter of the first joke was a F-14 but not the F-15.

 

[vikingBerserker]

That was great!

 

[Wayne Little]

 

[michaelmaltby]

After being married for 50 years, I took a careful look at my wife one day and said, "Fifty years ago we had a cheap house, a junk car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 23-year-old girl.



"Now ... I have a $750,000 home, a $45,000 car, a nice big bed and a large screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 73-year-old woman. It seems to me that you're not holding up your side of things."



My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 23-year-old girl and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap house, driving a junk car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.



Aren't older women great?

They really know how to solve an old guy's problems!

 

[Wurger]

 

[Geedee]

I cut the grass today and after doing so, I down and had a cold beer.

The day was really quite beautiful and the drink facilitated some deep thinking on various topics.

Finally I thought of an age old question.....is giving birth more painful than a swift kick in the nuts ?

Women always maintain that giving birth is more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts. Well, after another beer and some heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with an answer to that question !.

Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than giving birth, and here is the reason for my conclusion. A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say "it might be nice to have another child'.

On the other hand, you never hear a guy say "You know, I think I would like another swift kick to the nuts !"

I rest my case

 

[Wurger]

 

[Aaron Brooks Wolters]

I cut the grass today and after doing so, I down and had a cold beer.

The day was really quite beautiful and the drink facilitated some deep thinking on various topics.

Finally I thought of an age old question.....is giving birth more painful than a swift kick in the nuts ?

Women always maintain that giving birth is more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts. Well, after another beer and some heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with an answer to that question !.

Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than giving birth, and here is the reason for my conclusion. A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say "it might be nice to have another child'.

On the other hand, you never hear a guy say "You know, I think I would like another swift kick to the nuts !"

I rest my case

EXACTLY!!!!!!!!

 

[Wayne Little]

Damn straight Gary..

 

[gumbyk]

I cut the grass today and after doing so, I down and had a cold beer.

The day was really quite beautiful and the drink facilitated some deep thinking on various topics.

Finally I thought of an age old question.....is giving birth more painful than a swift kick in the nuts ?

Women always maintain that giving birth is more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts. Well, after another beer and some heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with an answer to that question !.

Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than giving birth, and here is the reason for my conclusion. A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say "it might be nice to have another child'.

On the other hand, you never hear a guy say "You know, I think I would like another swift kick to the nuts !"

I rest my case

hmmm, 18 months down the track, and all my wife says is "When are you getting the snip?"

 

[michaelmaltby]

View: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5NddJYKzwHU

 

[Gnomey]

 

[Wayne Little]

I think he will need to use that screwdriver of his to tighten some of those loose screws....

 

[Crimea_River]

Oh, to reach a climax position in a steamy company....wouldn't that be nice!!!!

 

[Wurger]

A dog is running across a desert and thinking .. if I don't find a tree I'll wet myself.