Quotes and Jokes (13 Viewers)

[Wurger]

Found on the Facebook site....

I invited a girl back to my place for coffee. She agreed, but made it crystal clear that it would be coffee and nothing else.
Later on, I came out of the kitchen to find her laying on my sofa in her underwear.
"I know what I said," she smiled, "but I've changed my mind and I want you to make love to me right here right now."
"Oh for **** sake," I moaned, slamming the cups of coffee down on the table.
"What's wrong?" She asked. "I thought you'd be happy."
"It's great," I replied, "but it means I've just wasted the last of my rohypnol."

 

[Aaron Brooks Wolters]

 

[javlin]

 

[Gnomey]

 

[Geedee]

Posted this on my Facebook Page and its just too good not to share here

 

[Wurger]

 

[vikingBerserker]

 

[otftch]

> To any blondes I do apologize, but since I laughed out loud, I figured a few of you might as well!
>
>
> A blonde wanted to go ice fishing.
>
> She'd seen many books on the subject,
>
> and finally getting all the necessary tools together,
>
> she made for the ice.
>
> After positioning her comfy footstool,
>
> she started to make a circular cut in the ice.
>
> Suddenly, from the sky, a voice boomed,
>
> "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."
>
> Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice,
>
> poured a thermos of cappuccino, and began to cut yet another hole.
>
> Again from the heavens the voice bellowed,
>
> "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."
>
> The blonde, now worried, moved away,
>
> clear down to the opposite end of the ice.
>
> She set up her stool once more and tried again to cut her hole.
>
> The voice came once more,
>
> "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."
>
>
>
> She stopped, looked skyward, and said,
>
> "IS THAT YOU LORD?"
>
> The voice replied,
>
> "NO, THIS IS THE MANAGER OF THE HOCKEY RINK"

 

[Wurger]

 

[vikingBerserker]

LMAO

 

[Gnomey]

 

[Wayne Little]

 

[Lucky13]

The gratitude of every home in our Island, in our Empire, and indeed throughout the world, except in the abodes of the guilty, goes out to the British airmen who, undaunted by odds, unwearied in their constant challenge and mortal danger, are turning the tide of the World War by their prowess and by their devotion. Never in the field of human conflict was so much owed by so many to so few. All hearts go out to the fighter pilots, whose brilliant actions we see with our own eyes day after day, but we must never forget that all the time, night after night, month after month, our bomber squadrons travel far into Germany, find their targets in the darkness by the highest navigational skill, aim their attacks, often under the heaviest fire, often with serious loss, with deliberate, careful discrimination, and inflict shattering blows upon the whole of the technical and war-making structure of the Nazi power. On no part of the Royal Air Force does the weight of the war fall more heavily than on the daylight bombers who will play an invaluable part in the case of invasion and whose unflinching zeal it has been necessary in the meanwhile on numerous occasions to restrain…

 

[Crimea_River]

Alan and Sandra lived on a cove at Gull Lake Alberta.
It was early winter and the lower portion of the cove had frozen over.
Alan asked Sandra if she would walk across the frozen part of the cove to
the general store and get him some smokes and beer.
She asked him for some money, but he told her, "Nah, just put it on our tab.Old man Stacey won't mind."

So Sandra, being the good wife walked across the ice, got the smokes and
beer at the store and then walked back home across the cove.
When she got home with the items she said, "Alan, you always tell me not to
run up the tab at Stacey's store. Why didn't you just give me some money?"

Alan replied, "Well, Sandra, I didn't want to send you out there with cash
when I wasn't sure how thick the ice was".

 

[vikingBerserker]

OUCH!

 

[Wayne Little]

That's when the fight started...

 

[javlin]

Subject: A retirees last visit to Publix

> Yesterday I was at the Villages Publix buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Owen, the Wonder Dog and was in the check-out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had an elephant?


> So because I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse, I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.



I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet and that the way that it works is, to load your pants pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete, (certified), so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)



Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care, because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I had stopped to pee on a fire hydrant and a car hit me.


> I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.



Publix won't let me shop there anymore.

 

[Lucky13]

 

[Crimea_River]

Good ones guys.

 

[Gnomey]