1. Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up and take the bloody disc out. It's like having a remote to open the fridge.
2. Give a man a fish, he'll eat for a day. Teach a man to fish, he'll eat for life.... Give an octopus nunchuks,,, and no f***ers eating fish ever again.
3. Me: It smells like upsexy in here. Girl: What's 'upsexy'? Me: Oh nothing much
4. Is it appropriate for a receptionist at a sperm clinic to tell their clients "thanks for coming" as they leave?
5. Try this for fun: Go to a car park and put post-it notes on people's cars saying "Sorry for the damage." Watching them is priceless.
6 What do you call the wrinkles on Grandma?? .... Grandpa!
7. A fun way to freak out new parents on Facebook is to change your name to their baby's name tag yourself in all of their baby's pictures.
8. You know you are getting old when you have to scroll down, and scroll down some more, then some more to select the year you were born when completing on-line forms
9 If you have always wondered why it is that a dog finds great joy in sticking his head out of a car window at 55mph, but if you blow in his face he'll try and kill you....it's your stinking breath.
10. Glow in the dark condoms. Now you see it, now you don't! Now you see it, now you don't! Now you see it, now you don't! ...
11. Just watched a Loch Ness monster documentary and I finally believe, without a doubt, that I have better teeth than everyone in Scotland.
12 I would imagine if you understood morse code, a tap dancer could be swearing at you!
13. Whenever I moon my dog howls at it
14. What has 15 legs and 9 teeth? The checkout line at Primark.
15. Wow!!! I farted into my iPhone and Siri told me what I had for breakfast.
16. The gf's a Black Belt in Cooking. She can kill a Man with two Chops.
17. Noah's diary: Day 39....Unicorn pie is frikkin' delicious!