Quotes and Jokes (6 Viewers)

He he!

Happy New Year!

http://patrz.pl/filmy/happy-new-year

Did you hear about the dyslexic agnostic insomniac?

He'd lie awake in bed all night wondering if there was Dog.

That pic reminds me about the Swedish army back the day with King Gustav II and King Karl XII... The stories goes that when they were travelling between battles, bears, wolfs among other animals followed in their path and it looked like the end of the world was near! No wonder that most of the cities surrendered rather quickly back then...I know that I would!

Heh....guess when you're rampaging through the countryside, ripping ballsacks off just for giggles, then the local carnivores are gonna be pretty darn happy to follow in your wake like Rosie O'Donnel at a Brahm's parade. Kinda interesting, though....the guy with the sabre is sporting a Ppsh (or however its spelled...), whilst his buddy is capping brainpans with what appears to be an AK47. Perhaps a captured Stg? I dunno...I just thought it was a friggin cool (and hilarious...thus its posting on this thread) story and an even cooler pic.

More proof that politicians have way too much time on their hands.

Strange Aviation Laws

It is against the law for a pilot to tickle a female flying student under her chin with a feather duster in order to get her attention.
--Columbia, PA

It is a violation for a woman over 200 pounds and attired in shorts to pilot or ride in an airplane.
--Pocataligo, GA

Lingerie can't be hung on a clothesline at the airport unless the undies are carefully hidden from prying eyes by a "suitable screen".
--Kidderville, NH

No female shall appear in a bathing suit at any airport in this state unless she is escorted by two officers or unless she is armed with a club.
The provisions of this statue shall not apply to females weighing less than 90 pounds nor exceeding 200 pounds, nor shall it apply to female horses.
--Kentucky

It is a violation of local law for any pilot or passenger to carry an ice cream cone in their pocket while either flying or waiting to board a plane.
--Lowes Crossroads, Delaware

Pilots and passengers are prohibited from eating onions between the hours of 7 A.M. and 7 P.M.
--Bluff, Utah

Citizens are not allowed to enter an airplane within four hours of eating garlic.
--Wakefield, RI

No female wearing a nightgown can be taken for a flight on a private plane.
--Headland, AL

It is against the law to eat ice cream in the local airport with a fork.
--Bicknell, IN

No married man can go flying on Sunday.
--Burdoville, VT

No married man can go flying without his spouse along at any time, unless he has been married for more than 12 months.
--West Union, OH

No one can play cards on the airport grounds with a woman, a child, or an Indian.
--White Horse, NM

No one -- man, woman, or child -- can be seen flying while barefoot.
--Fairplay, CO

Don't let your horse fall asleep in the airport.
--Peewee, West Virginia

Women who are single, widowed, or divorced are banned from parachuting on Sunday.
--Crawford, Nebraska

No turtle races shall be held at the airport.
--Bourbon, Mississippi

People cannot play checkers at the airport, "lest they acquire a taste for gambling."
--Clearbrook, Minnesota

Citizens cannot carry a slingshot on an airplane without special permission.
--Okanogan, WA

No pilot can eat unshelled roasted peanuts or watermelon while flying.
--Leadwood, Missouri

No person is allowed to read the Sunday paper while sitting in a chair at the airport while church services are going on.
--Upperville, VA

No flyer may wear a pair of pants with hip pockets while flying.
--Guyman, OK

Gargling is prohibited while flying.
--Hackberry, Arizona

Loud burping while walking around the airport is prohibited.
--Halstead, Kansas

It is against the law to sneeze in an airplane.
--Lynch Heights, Delaware

No flying instructor "can place his arm around a woman without a good and lawful reason" (while flying).
--Rock Springs, WY

Juggling in front of an airplane is illegal.
--Wellsboro, PA

Roosters may crow, only if it is done at least 300 feet from the airport.
--Stugis, Michigan

Haha, interesting laws, but some of them, how can you help breaking them?

Like this one:
It is against the law to sneeze in an airplane.
--Lynch Heights, Delaware

That's just ridiculous.

Ya gotta wonder what the story is behind these laws....what happened that made someone think it was a good idea to ban gargling?

well you might choke...................

Be sure to read all of it. Very good!!!


In a few short days, an African American man will move from his private residence into a much larger and infinitely more expensive one owned not by him but by the taxpayers. A vast lawn, a perimeter fence and many well trained security specialists will insulate him from the rest of us but the mere fact that this man will be residing in this house should make us all stop and count our blessings - because it proves that we live in a nation where anything is possible.
Many believed this day would never come. Most of us hoped and prayed that it would, but few of us actually believed we would live to see it. Racism is an ugly thing in all of it's forms and there is little doubt that if this man had moved into this house fifteen years ago, there would have been a great outcry - possibly even rioting in the streets. Today, we can all be both grateful and proud that no such mayhem will take place when this man takes up residency in this house. This man, moving into this house at this time in our nation's history is much more than a simple change of addresses for him - it is proof of a change in our attitude as a nation. It is an amends of sorts - the righting of a great wrong. It is a symbol of our growth, and of our willingness to "judge a man, not by the color of his skin but by the content of his character".
There can be little doubt now that the vast majority of us truly believe that this man has earned both his place in history and his new address. His time in this house will not be easy - it will be fraught with danger and he will face many challenges. I am sure there will be many times when he asks himself how in the world he ended up here and like all who have gone before him, the experience will age him greatly. But I for one will not waste an ounce of worry for his sake - because in every way a man can, he asked for this. His whole life for the past fifteen years appears to have been inexorably leading this man toward this house. It is highly probable that in the past, despite all of his actions, racism would have kept this man out of this house. Today, I thank the lord above that I am an American and that I live in a nation where wrongs are righted, where justice matters and where truly anything is possible.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

well if its by the content of his character then he should NOT have gotten the house

NASCAR Driver Jeff Gordon Fires Entire Pit Crew

The action followed Gordon's decision to take advantage of the Obama Plan for NASCAR to employ inner city youngsters.

He was persuaded by a recent documentary on Court TV on how gang bangers from Harlem, Chicago Los Angeles were able to remove a set of wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment, whereas Gordon's existing crew could only do it in 8 seconds with millions of dollars worth of high tech equipment. It was thought to be an excellent and bold move by Gordon's management team as most races are won or lost in the pits.

However-Gordon got more than he bargained for!

At the crew's first practice session, not only was the inexperienced crew able to change all 4 wheels in under 6 seconds, but within 12 seconds they had re-sprayed, re-numbered, and sold the car to Dale Pape for 10 cases of Bud, a bag of weed, and some photos of Jeff Gordon's wife in the shower.

Five Germans in an Audi Quattro arrive at the Italian border. The Italian Customs agent stops them and tells them: "It's a illegallo to putto 5 peopolle in a Quattro." - "Vot do you mean it'z illegal?" asks the German driver. "Quattro meanso four," replies the Italian official. "Quattro is just ze name of ze automobile", the Germans retort unbelievingly. "Look at ze papers: zis car is designt to kerry 5 persons." - "You can'ta pulla thato one on me!", replies the Italian customs agent. "Quattro meansa four. You havo fiveo peopolle ina your car and you are thereforra breakingo the law." The German driver replies angrily: "You idiot! Call your zupervisor over, I vant to speak to somevone viz more intelligence!" - "Sorry", responds the Italian official, "he can'ta come. He'sa busy witha 2 guys in a Fiat Uno."

He he he...!

A jumbo jet is just coming into the Vancouver Airport on it's final approach. The pilot comes on the intercom, "This is your Captain. We're on our final descent into Vancouver. I want to thank you for flying with us today and I hope you enjoy your stay in Vancouver".

Unfortunately, he forgets to switch off the intercom and now the whole plane can hear his conversation from the cockpit.

The co-pilot says to the pilot. "Well Skipper, watcha gonna do in Vancouver?"

Now all ears are listening to this conversation.

"Well" says the Captain, "First I'm gonna check into the hotel take a crap. Then I'm gonna take that new stewardess out for supper, you know, the one with the huge rack. I'm gonna wine her dine her, take her back to my room put it to her all night."

Everyone on the plane is trying to get a look at the new stewardess. She's so embarrassed that she runs from the back of the plane to try to get to the cockpit to turn the intercom off. Halfway down the aisle, she trips over an old lady's bag down she goes. The old lady leans over and says: "No need to run, dear. He's gotta take a crap first."