Quotes and Jokes (8 Viewers)

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THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK :
1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK :
1. Specificity
2. Anti-constitutionalistically
3. Passive-aggressive disorder
4. Transubstantiate

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK :
1. Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.
2. Nope, no more booze for me!
3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4. MacDonald's? No thanks, I'm not hungry.
5. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
6. Oh, I couldn't! No one wants to hear me sing karaoke.
7. I'm not interested in fighting you.
8. Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no
coordination. I'd hate to look like a fool!
9. Where is the nearest bathroom? I refuse to pee in this parking lot
or on the side of the road.
10. I must be going home now as I have to work in the morning.
 
What is bigamy? It is having one wife too many.
What is monogamy? The same. - Oscar Wilde

To love myself is the beginning of a lifelong romance - Oscar Wilde

Do not pray for an easier life,
Pray to be a stronger person. -The koran

Wouldn't it be a dull old world if all the flowers in the garden were the same shape and colour? -Bah'ai

Trust in God, but tie up your camel - old Arab saying

It's better to light a candle than curse the darkness - old Chinese proverb

In this day and age, it's not enough to do unto others as you would have done unto you. Prefer your brother to yourself if you really care about world harmony - Bah'ai

It's better to sleep on a corner of the roof than share a house with a quarrelsome wife - The Bible

Some dream,
Some do.
Some do both - Nike ad I saw in Germany!

I never used to be able to finish anything but now
-Loeje

It's nice to be important, but it's more important to be nice - Loeje

I can accept failure,
Everyone fails at something.
What I can't accept is not trying - Michael Jordan

If you always do what you've always done,
You'll always get what you've always got - (? -read somewhere)

Before you can wait for your ship to come in, you must first send one out - (? -as above)

Who knows - maybe someone will write a book about you. - Loeje

On a day like today, Christopher Columbus discovered America.
What did you do today? - Loeje

God helps those who help themselves - The Bible

Men and women are the two wings of the same bird.
If one wing can't fly the bird stays grounded. - Bah'ai
 
A pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won.
The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and it won again.
The local newspaper read:
'PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT'
The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity
that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.
The next day, the local newspaper headline read:
'BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS'
This was too much for the bishop
so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey.
The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent.
The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day:
'NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN'
The bishop fainted.
He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey,
so she sold it to a farmer for $10.
The next day the paper read:
'NUN SELLS HER ASS FOR $10'
As a last resort the bishop ordered the nun to buy back the donkey
and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.
The next day the headlines read:
'NUN ANNOUNCES...HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE'
The bishop was buried the next day....
The moral of the story is...being concerned about public opinion
can bring you much grief and misery ...and even shorten your life.
So be yourself and enjoy life.....
Only worry about your own ASS, not someone else's.....
You'll be a lot happier and live longer. J
 
Kevin Rudd (Our Prime Minister) was out jogging one morning along the harbour pathway near Kirribilli House in Sydney when he tripped, fell down a bank and landed in the water below.


Before the security detail guys could get to him, 3 kids who were fishing pulled him out of the water.

He was so grateful he offered the kids whatever they wanted.

The first kid said, 'I want to go to Movie World in QLD'

Kevin said, 'No problem, I'll take you there on my special Prime Minister's airplane.'


The second kid said, 'I want a new pair of Speedo 'SHARK' bathers'


Kevin said, 'I'll get them for you, and even have Ian Thorpe sign them!'



The third kid said, ' I want a motorized wheelchair with a built in TV and stereo headset!'


Kevin was a little perplexed by this and said, 'But you don't look like you're handicapped.'


The kid said, 'I will be after my dad finds out I saved your arse from drowning!'
 
The Tomato Garden



An old Italian man lived alone in New Jersey. He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, as the ground was hard.



His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:



Dear Vincent,

I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won't be able to plant my
tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden
plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would be
happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.

Love, Papa



A few days later he received a letter from his son:



Dear Pop,
Don't dig up that garden. That's where the bodies are buried.
Love, Vinnie



At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left.



That same day the old man received another letter from his son:



Dear Pop,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the
circumstances.
Love you, Vinnie
 

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