Quotes and Jokes (6 Viewers)

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Bottle Of Perfume

After being away on business, Tim thought it would be nice to bring his wife a little gift.

"How about some perfume?" he asked the cosmetics clerk.

She showed him a bottle costing $50.00.

"That's a bit much," said Tim, so she returned with a smaller bottle for $30.00.

"That's still quite a bit," Tim complained.

Growing annoyed, the clerk brought out a tiny $15.00 bottle.

"What I mean," said Tim, "is I'd like to see something really cheap."

The clerk handed him a mirror.
 
In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University ..

On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air.
The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully.
He got down on one knee, inspected the elephants foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it.
As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his knife, After which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.

The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments.

Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled.
Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away.
Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.
Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son.
As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and Walked over to near where Peter and his son Cameron were standing.

The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down.
The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.
Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter could not help wondering if this was the same elephant.
Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing, and made his way into the enclosure.
He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder.
The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter legs And slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.

Probably wasn't the same elephant.
____________________________________________________________________
This one is for all those people who send me those mamby-pamby feel-good animals luv humans stories.
 
A man is walking home one day after a particularly hard day at work. Seeing an old bottle on the ground, he kicks it, and out pops a genie! "You kicked my bottle, so you're only getting one wish. And no wishes for more wishes!"

The man thinks about it for a second, then an idea pops into his head. "I want to piss Vodka."

The genie is startled by this request. "You want to PISS vodka???"

"Yeah," the man responds. "The good stuff, too. Only the best!"

The genie nods, and disappears. The man runs home, eager to tell his wife what happened. They decide that the only thing left to do is to test the genie's gift. So the man unzips and proceeds to fill two shot-glasses. Tentatively, he holds one glass up to the light. "Looks like vodka, to me." He sniffs it. "Smells like it, too." He dips a finger tip in, and tastes it. "Man! That is some genie! This stuff is GOOD!" They then proceed to get roaring drunk.

The next day, the man rushes home to his wife, who greets him at the door with two glasses, and they party until the wee hours of the morning.

The third day, when she greets him, he tells her to put one of the glasses back, that they'll only need one tonight. "One glass?" she inquires. "Why only one?"

"Tonight, you're drinking from the bottle."
 
Just watched some clips from Jay Leno's Headines.

A newspaper article about texting chose the wrong title:
"Need a girlfriend? Help may be in your palm."

Newspaper Ad: HOT ITEM! Brand new Blu-Ray DVD, "The Sound of Mucis"

Found on the back of an appliance: "WARNING: assembled in Mexico"

Newspaper Headline: "Tiger Woods plays with own balls"

Got to love statistics: "Statistics show that teen pregnancy drops off significantly after the age of 25."

Time to get a divorce? Headline: "Fisherman arrested for using wife as shark bait."

Dangers of the job: Newspaper: "A Florida phone sex operator has won a workers' compensation case, claiming that she was injured after regularly masturbating at work."

Headline: "Bonnie blows Clinton!" Oh, did we fail to mention that Bonnie is a hurricane and Clinton is a town?? oops.

Headline: "Clinton's firmness gets results."

Jane Fonda to teenagers: "Use head to avoid pregnancy."

Florida's advice: "Tips to avoid alligator attacks: don't swim in waters inhabite by large alligators."

Headlines:

"Clinton apologizes to syphilis victims."

"Student excited dad got head job."

"Typhoon rips through cemetary: hundreds dead."

"Prostitutes appeal to Pope."

"Iraqi head seeks arms."

"Never withhold herpes infection from loved one."

"Drunk gets nine months in violin case."

"Police begin campaign to run down jaywalkers." (that will stop 'em!)
 
Some more headlines:

. Teenage girls often have babies fathered by men
. Sex Education Delayed, Teachers Request Training
. Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms
. Include Your Children when Baking Cookies
. Infertility unlikely to be passed on
. Actual Headline: Work after Death
. Child's death ruins couple's holiday
. Milk drinkers are turning to powder
. Court Rules Boxer Shorts Are Indeed Underwear
. Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
. Lack of brains hinders research
. New Vaccine May Contain Rabies
. Two convicts evade noose, jury hung
. Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted
. Man Run Over by Freight Train Dies
. Smokers are productive, but death cuts efficiency
. How to combat that feeling of helplessness with illegal drugs
. Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
. Clinton Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead
 



One morning a crippled man came into the church on crutches. He stopped in front of the holy water, put some on both legs, and then threw away his crutches.

An alter boy witnessed the scene and then ran into the rectory to tell the priest what he'd just seen.

"Son, you've just witnessed a miracle!" the priest said.

"Tell me where is this man now?"

"Flat on his back over by the holy water," the boy informed him.
 
A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and paperwork and was burned out. Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic.



He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could. When the time for the practical exam approached,the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks and completed the exam with tremendous skill. When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%.


Fearing an error, he called the instructor, saying, "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade."
The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark. After a pause, the instructor added, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the muffler, which I've never seen done in my entire career."
 
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