Quotes and Jokes (2 Viewers)

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Ok, one more for today..


A woman was very distraught over the fact that she had not had a date or any sex for over 5 years. She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to seek the medical expertise of the well known Chinese sex therapist, Dr. Chang.

Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Chang said, "OK, take off all your crose." The woman did as she was told. "Now, get down and craw reery, reery fass to odderside of room." Again, the woman did as she was instructed.

Dr. Chang then said, "OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to me."

As she did, Dr. Chang shook his head slowly. "Your probrem vewy bad. You haf Ed Zachary Disease. Worse case I ever see. Dat why you not haf sex or dates."

The woman asked anxiously, "Oh my God, Dr. Chang, what is Ed Zachary Disease?"

Dr. Chang sighed deeply, and replied, "Ed Zachary Disease is when your face look Ed Zachary like your ass."
 
A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has screwed him over for 10 million bucks. His bookkeeper happens to be deaf, so the Godfather brings along his "attorney," who knows sign language.

The Godfather asks the bookkeeper, "Where is the 10 million bucks you embezzled from me?" The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper where the money is hidden.

The bookkeeper signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about."

The attorney tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."

That's when the Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to the bookkeeper's temple, cocks it and says, "Ask him again!"

The attorney signs to the underling, "He'll kill you for sure if you don't tell him!"

The bookkeeper signs back, "OK! You win! The $10 million is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in Queens!"

The Godfather asks the attorney, "Well, what did he say?"

The attorney replies, "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger!"
 
The Boss had to fire someone. He had narrowed it down to one of two people, Debra or Jack. It was an impossible decision, they were both super workers. Rather than flip a coin, he decided he would fire the first one who used the water cooler the next morning.

Debra came in the next morning with a horrible hangover after partying all night. She went to the cooler to take an aspirin.

The Boss approached her and said: "Debra, I've never done this before but I have to lay you or Jack off."

"Could you jack off?" she says. "I feel like sh*t."
 
Søren:

This is a real life story, as experienced by a former colleague of mine at the museum in Copenhagen, back when the Police Museum was still an active police station:

Three police officers was staying at the police station, it was friday night, and they had the evening watch.
There were lots of activities going on during the evening and night in the precinct, so the officers had more than enough to do.
A couple of other police officers brought a small group of very drunken guys in, throwing them in the slammer for the night.

Now, those rather intoxicated guys had a ball, they were singing and yelling and generally raising hell, driving the officers on the watch more or less mad with their noisy behaviour, because the office was located right next to the detention cells, making it impossible to concentrate enough to do paper work (- or any other kind of work!) for the cops.

When one of the officers had had more than enough of the "guest's" godawful loud singing and yelling, he went in and stood and looked at the cell doors for a little while, while his colleagues was watching and wondering just exactly what he'd do to stop the noisy, irritating behaviour.

Then the officer yelled at the top of his lungs:
"Now that's ENOUGH with all that godawful noise and singing! If you guys don't SHUT UP, we'll throw you OUT of here!"

They shut up, being too drunk to actually realise what the officer had told them!
 
Skinny Dipping...

An elderly man in Georgia had owned a large farm for several years.
He had a large pond in the back.

It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with
picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple, and peach trees .

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he
hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a
five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond,
he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer,
he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He
made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep
end. One of the 20 women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until
you leave!'

The old man frowned, 'I didn't come
down here to watch you ladies swim
naked or make you get out of the pond naked.'

Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the alligator.'

....Some old men can still think fast.
 

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