Quotes and Jokes

Nice timing.

Did you hear. Seeing as how Michael Jackson had so much plastic surgery they've decided to donate his body to the Lego Building Block company to make more legos. Now all the little kids can play with Michael.

This was passed on to me: unfortunately it's all true and not fiction. Amazing what people attempt to get away with in this country.

A Few Ideas on How to be Rich:

A New York prison inmate is filing suit for $8 million against the state after he accidentally shot himself with a gun he illegally smuggled into the penitentiary. The inmate states that better security would have prevented him from getting the weapon inside.

NBC's "Tonight Show" was sued by a Cincinnati, Ohio man for injuries he sustained during the pre-show. He was injured when a free T-shirt struck him in the eye.

Two suspected drug dealers were shot in a gang-related war. The two sued the owners of Ramada Inn parking lot where it occurred for /$1.5 million in damages. The Florida hotel is appealing.

A California grandmother is suing Disneyland after she and her grandchildren witnessed Mickey Mouse taking off his costume backstage. The suit is due to her grandchildren's traumatic experience.

Philip Garner sued his New York City landlord for $1 million. He claims that his caused him great distress when the toilet in his apartment exploded.

A man is suing a bank that he attempted to rob. After employees of the bank realized he was deaf, they were able to talk during the attempted robbery, which made it easier for them to stall the would-be robber until police arrived. The failed bank robber is now suing the bank for discrimination.

An Arizona woman, Michele Nations, was walking through a park when she stumbled on a gopher hole, tripped, and sprained her ankle. She sued the city for failing to post a warning that such hazards might exist in the park. She won $450,000.

And, saving the best for last:

A man sued the city of San Diego for $5.4 million after he suffered emotional trauma at an Elton John concert in Municipal Stadium. The man says that a woman was using the men's urinal, a sight that he claims he found extremely upsetting.
__________________

If anyone is moving house...(Chris!?) you might want to see if this guy could help?

WHOA!!!!!!! Do you think he will actually make it?

sabrina said:

....
A man sued the city of San Diego for $5.4 million after he suffered emotional trauma at an Elton John concert in Municipal Stadium. The man says that a woman was using the men's urinal, a sight that he claims he found extremely upsetting.

Click to expand...

Lets not jump to conclusions. Maybe the woman was a beach whale that traumatized more than a few men.

...must have been some friggin' scary whale then....

sabrina said:

This was passed on to me: unfortunately it's all true and not fiction. Amazing what people attempt to get away with in this country.

A Few Ideas on How to be Rich:

A New York prison inmate is filing suit for $8 million against the state after he accidentally shot himself with a gun he illegally smuggled into the penitentiary. The inmate states that better security would have prevented him from getting the weapon inside.

NBC's "Tonight Show" was sued by a Cincinnati, Ohio man for injuries he sustained during the pre-show. He was injured when a free T-shirt struck him in the eye.

Two suspected drug dealers were shot in a gang-related war. The two sued the owners of Ramada Inn parking lot where it occurred for /$1.5 million in damages. The Florida hotel is appealing.

A California grandmother is suing Disneyland after she and her grandchildren witnessed Mickey Mouse taking off his costume backstage. The suit is due to her grandchildren's traumatic experience.

Philip Garner sued his New York City landlord for $1 million. He claims that his caused him great distress when the toilet in his apartment exploded.

A man is suing a bank that he attempted to rob. After employees of the bank realized he was deaf, they were able to talk during the attempted robbery, which made it easier for them to stall the would-be robber until police arrived. The failed bank robber is now suing the bank for discrimination.

An Arizona woman, Michele Nations, was walking through a park when she stumbled on a gopher hole, tripped, and sprained her ankle. She sued the city for failing to post a warning that such hazards might exist in the park. She won $450,000.

And, saving the best for last:

A man sued the city of San Diego for $5.4 million after he suffered emotional trauma at an Elton John concert in Municipal Stadium. The man says that a woman was using the men's urinal, a sight that he claims he found extremely upsetting.
__________________

Click to expand...

Its crap like this that's screwing up our legal system. Juries need to grow balls and laugh these morons out of the courtroom. A bank robber suing the bank he just robbed????? SCREW HIM!!!!!! That's not discrimination...that's frikkin innovation!

Where do those idiots think the money comes from in the first place? A magical money cow out back?

Anybody with at least two braincells connecting can figure out that the money ends up coming from the consumer/taxpayers...

...and LOL @ the whale comments!

JEWISH PARROTS
A woman goes to her rabbi with a serious problem.

Her two female parrots have picked up a bad habit. Any time she has
visitors, the two parrots embarrass her by saying, in unison, "Hi! We're
hookers. Want to have some fun?"

To her surprise, the rabbi breaks into a smile, explaining that he has two
male parrots which he has trained to pray and who've become very observant, spending much of the day praying in their cage.

He's confident that if the woman brings her two parrots over to his house,
his two parrots will exert such a positive influence that her birds will turn into model parrots.

The next day the woman drives over to the rabbi's house and brings her two
parrots into his home. As she looks around, she notices a large cage with
two parrots, each wearing a little kippah and tiny tallis (prayer shawl)
and each holding a miniature prayer book while they rock back and forth in prayer.

Sure enough, as soon as she places her female parrots in the cage, they
shout out to their male counterparts: "Hi! We're hookers.Want to have some fun ?"

One of the rabbi's parrots immediately turns to the other, squawking:
"Moishe, put the book down. Our prayers have been answered!"

Syscom.


Wheels

Here's a good one!

Good one, Wayne!

If you receive an e-mail from the Department of Health telling you not to eat tinned pork because of Swine Flu, ignore it.....





Its Spam !

@GeeDee and Wayne!




DONT FORGET ABOUT NEXT SATURDAY!

Don't forget to mark your calendars.
As you may already know, it is a sin for a Muslim male to see any woman other than his wife naked.. He must commit suicide if he does. So next Saturday at 4 PM Eastern Time, all American women are asked to walk out of their house completely naked to help weed out any neighborhood terrorists. Circling your block for one hour is recommended for this anti-terrorist effort.

All patriotic men are to position themselves in lawn chairs in front of their house to prove they are not Muslims, and to demonstrate they think it's okay to see nude women other than their wife, and to show support for all American women. Since Islam also does not approve of alcohol, a cold 6-pack at your side is further proof of your anti-Muslim sentiment. The American government appreciates your efforts to root out terrorists and applauds your participation in this anti-terrorist activity.

God bless America !

It is your patriotic duty to pass this on. If you don't send this to at least 5 people you're a terrorist-sympathizing, lily-livered coward and are in the position of posing as a national threat..

How To Shower Like a Woman

Take off clothes and place them sectioned in laundry basket according to lights and darks.
Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown.
If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc.
Get in the shower.
Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.
Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 Added vitamins.
Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.
Condition your hair with conditioner enhanced with grapefruit and mint
Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.
Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.
Rinse conditioner off hair.
Shave armpits and legs.
Turn off shower.
Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.
Spray mould spots with Tile cleaner.
Get out of shower.
Dry with towel the size of a small country.
Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.
Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and the hand towel on head.
If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.



Any of our Ladies like to admit to any of the above?



In the interest of fairness, I now present "How To Shower Like a Man"

Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile on the floor.
Walk naked to the bathroom.
If you see wife along the way, shake mating tackle at her making the 'woo-woo' sound.
Look at your manly physique in the mirror.
Admire the size of your mating tackle and scratch your b*m.
Get in the shower.
Wash your face.
Wash your armpits.
Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse it off.
Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.
Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.
Wash your b*m, leaving those coarse b*m hairs stuck on the soap.
Wash your hair.
Make a Shampoo Mohawk.
Wee.
Rinse off and get out of shower.
Partially dry off.
Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of bath the whole time.
Admire mating tackle size in mirror again.
Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.
Return to bedroom with towel around waist.
If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake mating tackle at her and make the 'woo-woo' sound again.
Throw wet towel on bed.


Honestly, I can't see anything wrong here