vikingBerserker
Lieutenant General
A-Fricken-Men!
Quotes and Jokes (1 Viewer)
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RabidAlien
1st Lieutenant
"A-furk'n-men!"
vikingBerserker
Lieutenant General
Aaron Brooks Wolters
Brigadier General
Men Are Just Happier People
NICKNAMES•
If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.
If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, D*ckhead and Sh*t for Brains.
EATING OUT
•
When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in £20, even though it's only for £32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
•
When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
MONEY
•
A man will pay £2 for a £1 item he needs.
•
A woman will pay £1 for a £2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.
BATHROOMS
•
A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.
•
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.
ARGUMENTS
•
A woman has the last word in any argument.
•
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
FUTURE
•
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
•
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife..
SUCCESS
•
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
•
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
MARRIAGE
•
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
•
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.
DRESSING UP
•
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
•
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
NATURAL
•
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
•
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
OFFSPRING
•
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
•
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!
NICKNAMES•
If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.
If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, D*ckhead and Sh*t for Brains.
EATING OUT
•
When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in £20, even though it's only for £32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
•
When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
MONEY
•
A man will pay £2 for a £1 item he needs.
•
A woman will pay £1 for a £2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.
BATHROOMS
•
A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.
•
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.
ARGUMENTS
•
A woman has the last word in any argument.
•
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
FUTURE
•
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
•
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife..
SUCCESS
•
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
•
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
MARRIAGE
•
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
•
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.
DRESSING UP
•
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
•
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
NATURAL
•
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
•
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
OFFSPRING
•
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
•
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!
RabidAlien
1st Lieutenant
Lot of truth in there, too...
Crimea_River
Marshal
Centuries of wisdom, collected in one, concise post. Well done Gary.
I read it wearing lounge pants and a ripped t-shirt.
I read it wearing lounge pants and a ripped t-shirt.
Airframes
Benevolens Magister
I'll say !!
Think I found out where we went wrong....
I'm now running like h*ll for the hills.......
Crimea_River
Marshal
Gotta get crackin' on that time machine.
RabidAlien
1st Lieutenant
I LOL'd. My wife rolled her eyes.
Aaron Brooks Wolters
Brigadier General
vikingBerserker
Lieutenant General
LMAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!
phatzo
Airman 1st Class
The year is 2222 and Mike and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating enough frequent flier miles. They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things. Mike asks if Mars has a stock market, if they have laptop computers, how they make money, etc. Finally, Maureen brings up the subject of sex.
"Just how do you guys do it?" asks Maureen. The Martian responds, "Pretty much the way yo...u do." A discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another. Maureen and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. He's got only a teeny, weenie member - about half an inch long and just a quarter inch thick.
"I don't think this is going to work," says Maureen. "Why?" he asks, "What's the matter?" "Well," she replies, "it's just not long enough to reach me!", "No problem," he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm. With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until it's quite impressively long. "Well," she says, "that's quite impressive, but it's still pretty narrow." "No problem," he says, and starts pulling his ears. With each pull, his member grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is extremely exciting to the woman. "Wow!" she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made mad, passionate love. The next day the couples rejoin their normal partners and go their separate ways.
As they walk along, Mike asks, "Well, was it any good?" "I hate to say it," says Maureen, "but it was pretty wonderful. How about you?" "It was horrible," he replies, "all I got was a headache...she kept slapping my forehead and pulling my ears."
"Just how do you guys do it?" asks Maureen. The Martian responds, "Pretty much the way yo...u do." A discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another. Maureen and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. He's got only a teeny, weenie member - about half an inch long and just a quarter inch thick.
"I don't think this is going to work," says Maureen. "Why?" he asks, "What's the matter?" "Well," she replies, "it's just not long enough to reach me!", "No problem," he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm. With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until it's quite impressively long. "Well," she says, "that's quite impressive, but it's still pretty narrow." "No problem," he says, and starts pulling his ears. With each pull, his member grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is extremely exciting to the woman. "Wow!" she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made mad, passionate love. The next day the couples rejoin their normal partners and go their separate ways.
As they walk along, Mike asks, "Well, was it any good?" "I hate to say it," says Maureen, "but it was pretty wonderful. How about you?" "It was horrible," he replies, "all I got was a headache...she kept slapping my forehead and pulling my ears."
saw that coming....
RabidAlien
1st Lieutenant
Two dogs are walking down the street and one says to the other, "Wait here a minute, I'll be right back."
He trots across the street, sniffs at a fire hydrant for about a minute, then comes back.
The other dog says, "What was that about?"
The dog first dog says, "Oh, just checking my messages."
He trots across the street, sniffs at a fire hydrant for about a minute, then comes back.
The other dog says, "What was that about?"
The dog first dog says, "Oh, just checking my messages."
