Quotes and Jokes (3 Viewers)

LMAO

Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape.

He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as:
Knowing when to come in out of the rain;
Why the early bird gets the worm;
Life isn't always fair;
and maybe it was my fault.

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in charge).

His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place:
Reports of a 6-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate;
teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch;
and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.

Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children.

It declined even further when schools required parental consent to administer sunscreen or an Aspirin to a student; but were not allowed to inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.

Common Sense lost the will to live as the churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims.

Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault..

Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, sued the restaurant (McDonald's) and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.

Common Sense was preceded in death
by his parents, Truth and Trust;
by his wife, Discretion;
by his daughter, Responsibility and
by his son, Reason.

He is survived by his 4 stepbrothers:
I Know My Rights
I Want It Now
Someone Else Is To blame
I am a Victim

Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone.

If you still remember him, pass this on.
If not, join the majority and do nothing.

As you are now,
So once was I.
As I am now,
So you shall be.

"Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa-meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeen"

Right....

Speaking of Blond jokes...

Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking, and one blonde says to the other, "Which do you think is farther away... Florida or the moon?"
The other blonde turns and says "Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida?????"

A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died.
After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
She says, "What's the story?"
He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor"
She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"

A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license. She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"

There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoo-hoo!" she shouts, "How can I get to the other side?"
The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, "You ARE on the other side."

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.
"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."
The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed;
Likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.
The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you?
"Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde."
"I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken."

A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting!
Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, "PULL OVER!"
"NO!" the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"

A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said, "We were the first in space!"
The American said, "We were the first on the moon!"
The Blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!"
The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. "You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian.
To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!"

A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science Nature. Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?"
She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"

A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named
Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"
"HELLLOOOOOOO......," answered the blond. "They're watch dogs!"

Does anyone know how many blonde jokes there really are? Just one. The rest are all true stories.

Saw these on another forum and website...

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows Them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with 'A man once told me...'
-------------------------------------------------------------------
How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do men pass gas more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to Build up the required pressure.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.

The official year 2008 Redneck Census Form:

Last name: _______________________ First name: (Check
appropriate box) (_)Billy-Bob (_)Billy-Joe (_)Billy-Ray
(_)Billy-Sue (_)Billy-Mae (_)Billy-Jack

What does everyone call you? (_)Booger (_)Bubba (_)Junior
(_)Sissy (_)Other____________

Age:____ (if unsure,guess)

Sex:____ M ____ F ____Not sure

Shoe size:____ Left ____ Right

OccupationCheck appropriate box) (_)Farmer (_)Mechanic
(_)Hair Dresser (_)Unemployed (_)Dirty Politician (_)Preacher

Spouse's Name:_____________

2nd Spouse's Name:_______________

3rd Spouse's Name:_______________

Lover's Name:_______________

Relationship with spouseCheck appropriate box) (_)Sister
(_)Brother (_)Aunt (_)Uncle (_)Cousin (_)Mother (_)Father
(_)Son (_)Daughter (_)Pet

Number of children living in the home:_____

Number of the children living in the shed:_____

Number that are yours:_____

Mother's Name:____________________(If not sure, leave blank)

Father's Name:____________________(If not sure, leave blank)

Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade commpleted)

(Check appropriate box) Total number of vehicles you own:___
Number of vehicles that still crank:___ Number of vehicles in
front yard:___ Number of vehicles in the back yard:___ Number
of vehicles on cement blocks:___

Firearms you own and where you keep them: ____truck ____bedroom
____bathroom ____kitchen ____shed

Model and year of your pickup:196_

Do you have a gun rack? (_)Yes (_)No; If no, please explain:

Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to: (_)The National Enquirer
(_)The Globe (_)TV Guide (_)Soap Opera Digest (_)Rifle and
Shotgun

Number of times you've seen a UFO:_____ Number of times in the
last 5 years you've seen Elvis:___ Number of times you've seen
Elvis in a UFO:____

How often do you bathe? (_)Weekly (_)Monthly (_)Not Applicable

Color of eyes: Left_____ Right_____

Color of hair: (_)Blond (_)Black (_)Red (_)Brown (_)White
(_)Clairol

Color of teeth: (_)White (_)Yellow (_)Brownish-Yellow (_)Brown
(_)Black (_)N/A

Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer: (_)Red-Man

How far is your home from a paved road?

(_)1 mile (_)2 miles (_)just a whoop-and-a-holler (_)road?

Good stuff Harrison!

Funny Shots!!!









Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and family
values.
Stu said, 'I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?'
Leroy replied, 'I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?'
---------------------------------------------------------
A little boy went up to his father and asked: 'Dad, where did my intelligence
come from?'
The father replied. 'Well, son, you must have got it from your mother, cause I
still have mine.'
---------------------------------------------------------
'Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully,' the divorce Court Judge
said, 'And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week,'
'That's very fair, your honor,' the husband said. 'And every now and then I'll
try to send her a few bucks myself..'
---------------------------------------------------------
A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, took the
husband aside, and said, 'I don't like the looks of your wife at all.'
'Me neither doc,' said the husband.
'But she's a great cook and really good with the kids.'
-----------------------------------------------------------
An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been
living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says, 'Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that
were used to put the curse on you..'
The old man says without hesitation, 'I now pronounce you man and wife..'
----------------------------------------------------------
Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder:
1. The DNA all matches.
2. There are no dental records....
----------------------------------------------------------
A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, 'Can you tell me how long it'll take
to fly from San Francisco to New York City ?'
The agent replies, 'Just a minute.'
'Thank you,' the blonde says, and hangs up.
----------------------------------------------------------
Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.
'How was he killed?' asked one detective.
'With a golf gun,' the other detective replied.
'A golf gun! What is a golf gun?'
'I don't know.. But it sure made a hole in Juan.'
-----------------------------------------------------------
Moe: 'My wife got me to believe in religion.'
Joe: 'Really?'
Moe: 'Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in Hell..'
----------------------------------------------------------
A man is recovering from surgery when the Surgical Nurse appears and asks him
how he is feeling.
'I'm O. K. but I didn't like the four letter-words the doctor used in
surgery,' he answered.
'What did he say,' asked the nurse..
'Oops!'
------------------------------------------------------------
While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of
bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had
even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband's advice..
'What do you think?' I asked. 'Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?'
'Better get a bikini,' he replied. 'You'd never get it all in one.'
He's still in intensive care.
-----------------------------------------------------------
The graveside service just barely finished, when there was massive clap of
thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more
thunder rumbling in the distance.
The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, 'Well, she's there.'

Marty wakes up at home with a huge hangover.
He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table.
He sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. Marty looks around the room and sees that it is in a perfect order, spotless, clean. So is the rest of the house.

He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love you." So he goes to the kitchen and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating.

Marty asks, "Son, what happened last night?"
His son says, "Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and delirious. Broke some furniture , puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door."
Confused, Marty asks, "So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?" His son replies, "Oh that! Mum dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off to change and clean you, you said, "Lady, leave me alone, I'm married!"

@Aaron:

@BikerBabe:

Excellent! Guys and Gals...

RabidAlien said:

@Aaron:

@BikerBabe:

Click to expand...

Oh so I see, mine weren't funny......

B-17engineer said:

Oh so I see, mine weren't funny......

Click to expand...

Nah, yours was good! But you only posted one. Aaron posted 12, including one groaner (thus the )

RA, I think Harrison has me beat. He's got three different post worth of jokes up there and there and there are more than 12, 23 to be exact.