Quotes and Jokes (5 Viewers)
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BikerBabe
Senior Master Sergeant
Cute! 
Dunno if this one can be called a joke, but I rather like it.
A man and his dog were walking along a road. The man was enjoying the scenery, when it suddenly occurred to him that he was dead.
He remembered dying, and that the dog walking beside him had been dead for years. He wondered where the road was leading them.
After a while, they came to a high, white stone wall along one side of the road. It looked like fine marble... At the top of a long hill, it was broken by a tall arch that glowed in the sunlight.
When he was standing before it he saw a magnificent gate in the arch that looked like mother-of-pearl, and the street that led to the gate looked like pure gold. He and the dog walked toward the gate, and as he got closer, he saw a man at a desk to one side.
When he was close enough, he called out, 'Excuse me, where are we?'
'This is Heaven, sir,' the man answered..
'Wow! Would you happen to have some water?' the man asked.
Of course, sir. Come right in, and I'll have some ice water brought right up. 'The man gestured, and the gate began to open.
'Can my friend,' gesturing toward his dog, 'come in, too?' the traveler asked.
'I'm sorry, sir, but we don't accept pets.'
The man thought a moment and then turned back toward the road and continued the way he had been going with his dog.
After another long walk, and at the top of another long hill, he came to a dirt road leading through a farm gate that looked as if it had never been closed.. There was no fence
As he approached the gate, he saw a man inside, leaning against a tree and reading a book.
'Excuse me!' he called to the man. 'Do you have any water?'
'Yeah, sure, there's a pump over there, come on in.'
'How about my friend here?' the traveler gestured to the dog.
'There should be a bowl by the pump.'
They went through the gate, and sure enough, there was an old-fashioned hand pump with a bowl beside it.
The traveler filled the water bowl and took a long drink himself, then he gave some to the dog.
When they were full, he and the dog walked back toward the man who was standing by the tree.
'What do you call this place?' the traveler asked.
'This is Heaven,' he answered.
'Well, that's confusing,' the traveler said. 'The man down the road said that was Heaven, too.'
'Oh, you mean the place with the gold street and pearly gates? Nope. That's hell.'
'Doesn't it make you mad for them to use your name like that?'
'No, we're just happy that they screen out the folks who would leave their best friends behind.'
RabidAlien
1st Lieutenant
Njaco
The Pop-Tart Whisperer
Maria, gonna post that one at work!!
HOW TO CALL THE POLICE IF YOU'RE OLD
George Phillips age 82 of Meridian, Mississippi was going up to bed, when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.
He phoned the police, who asked 'Is someone in your house?' He said 'No.' Then they said
'All patrols were busy. You should lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is available.' George said, 'Okay'. He hung up the phone and counted to 30.
Then he phoned the police again.
'Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I just shot them.' and hung up.
Within five minutes, six Police Cars, a SWAT Team, a Helicopter, two Fire Trucks, a Paramedic, and an Ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence, and caught the burglars red-handed.
One of the Policemen said to George, 'I thought you said that you shot them!'
George said, 'I thought you said there was nobody available!' (True Story)
HOW TO CALL THE POLICE IF YOU'RE OLD
George Phillips age 82 of Meridian, Mississippi was going up to bed, when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.
He phoned the police, who asked 'Is someone in your house?' He said 'No.' Then they said
'All patrols were busy. You should lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is available.' George said, 'Okay'. He hung up the phone and counted to 30.
Then he phoned the police again.
'Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I just shot them.' and hung up.
Within five minutes, six Police Cars, a SWAT Team, a Helicopter, two Fire Trucks, a Paramedic, and an Ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence, and caught the burglars red-handed.
One of the Policemen said to George, 'I thought you said that you shot them!'
George said, 'I thought you said there was nobody available!' (True Story)
vikingBerserker
Lieutenant General
LMAO
Aaron Brooks Wolters
Brigadier General
Both of those are excellent folks.
Maestro
Master Sergeant
Colin1
Senior Master Sergeant
Airframes
Benevolens Magister
Nice one !
Aaron Brooks Wolters
Brigadier General
A friend of mine sent this to me. I thought you guys might enjoy this.
Written by an Australian Dentist
To Kill an American
You probably missed this in the rush of news, but there was actually a report that
someone in Pakistan had published in a newspaper, an offer of a reward to anyone
who killed an American, any American.
So an Australian dentist wrote an editorial the following day to let everyone know
what an American is . So they would know when they found one. (Good one,
mate!!!!)
'An American is English, or French, or Italian, Irish, German, Spanish , Polish,
Russian or Greek. An American may also be Canadian, Mexican, African, Indian,
Chinese, Japanese, Korean, Australian, Iranian, Asian, or Arab, or Pakistani or
Afghan or Filipino.
An American may also be a Comanche, Cherokee, Osage, Blackfoot, Navaho, Apache,
Seminole or one of the many other tribes known as native Americans.
An American is Christian , or he could be Jewish, or Buddhist, or Muslim. In fact,
there are more Muslims in America than in Afghanistan . The only difference is
that in America they are free to worship as each of them chooses.
An American is also free to believe in no religion.... For that he will answer
only to God, not to the government, or to armed thugs claiming to speak for the
government and for God.
An American lives in the most prosperous land in the history of the world.
The root of that prosperity can be found in the Declaration of Independence ,
which recognizes the God given right of each person to the pursuit of happiness.
An American is generous. Americans have helped out just about every other nation
in the world in their time of need, never asking a thing in return..........
When Afghanistan was over-run by the Soviet army 20 years ago, Americans came
with arms and supplies to enable the people to win back their country!
As of the morning of September 11, Americans had given more than any other nation
to the poor in Afghanistan ...
The national symbol of America , The Statue of Liberty , welcomes your tired and
your poor, the wretched refuse of your teeming shores, the homeless, tempest
tossed. These in fact are the people who built America
Some of them were working in the Twin Towers the morning of September 11 , 2001
earning a better life for their families. It's been told that the World Trade
Center victims were from at least 30 different countries, cultures, and first
languages, including those that aided and abetted the terrorists...
So you can try to kill an American if you must. Hitler did. So did General Tojo
, and Stalin , and Mao Tse-Tung, and other blood-thirsty tyrants in the world.
But, in doing so you would just be killing yourself . Because Americans are not
a particular people from a particular place. They are the embodiment of the human
spirit of freedom. Everyone who holds to that spirit, everywhere, is an
American.
Written by an Australian Dentist
To Kill an American
You probably missed this in the rush of news, but there was actually a report that
someone in Pakistan had published in a newspaper, an offer of a reward to anyone
who killed an American, any American.
So an Australian dentist wrote an editorial the following day to let everyone know
what an American is . So they would know when they found one. (Good one,
mate!!!!)
'An American is English, or French, or Italian, Irish, German, Spanish , Polish,
Russian or Greek. An American may also be Canadian, Mexican, African, Indian,
Chinese, Japanese, Korean, Australian, Iranian, Asian, or Arab, or Pakistani or
Afghan or Filipino.
An American may also be a Comanche, Cherokee, Osage, Blackfoot, Navaho, Apache,
Seminole or one of the many other tribes known as native Americans.
An American is Christian , or he could be Jewish, or Buddhist, or Muslim. In fact,
there are more Muslims in America than in Afghanistan . The only difference is
that in America they are free to worship as each of them chooses.
An American is also free to believe in no religion.... For that he will answer
only to God, not to the government, or to armed thugs claiming to speak for the
government and for God.
An American lives in the most prosperous land in the history of the world.
The root of that prosperity can be found in the Declaration of Independence ,
which recognizes the God given right of each person to the pursuit of happiness.
An American is generous. Americans have helped out just about every other nation
in the world in their time of need, never asking a thing in return..........
When Afghanistan was over-run by the Soviet army 20 years ago, Americans came
with arms and supplies to enable the people to win back their country!
As of the morning of September 11, Americans had given more than any other nation
to the poor in Afghanistan ...
The national symbol of America , The Statue of Liberty , welcomes your tired and
your poor, the wretched refuse of your teeming shores, the homeless, tempest
tossed. These in fact are the people who built America
Some of them were working in the Twin Towers the morning of September 11 , 2001
earning a better life for their families. It's been told that the World Trade
Center victims were from at least 30 different countries, cultures, and first
languages, including those that aided and abetted the terrorists...
So you can try to kill an American if you must. Hitler did. So did General Tojo
, and Stalin , and Mao Tse-Tung, and other blood-thirsty tyrants in the world.
But, in doing so you would just be killing yourself . Because Americans are not
a particular people from a particular place. They are the embodiment of the human
spirit of freedom. Everyone who holds to that spirit, everywhere, is an
American.
RabidAlien
1st Lieutenant
A great piece, but not by an Australian dentist. It was originally penned by Peter Ferrara, associate professor of law at George Mason University School of Law. Still, I've got no arguements with the piece.
snopes.com: What Is An American?
Last edited:
vikingBerserker
Lieutenant General
Nice...Jethro is sitting in the pub when in walks Denzil sporting a black eye.
where did you get that ? says Jethro
In church
How on earth did you manage to get a black eye in church?
Well what happened was, I was sitting behind a lady and when we stood up I noticed her skirt was caught between the cheeks of her bum so I reached forward and pulled it out and she punched me in the eye!
Next week Denzil walks into the pub with two black eyes
Where did you get that one? Asks Jethro
Same place as before I was standing behind the same woman and when we stood up I saw her skirt wasn't caught. Well I knew from last time she didn't like it out so I reached over and pushed it back in for her.
where did you get that ? says Jethro
In church
How on earth did you manage to get a black eye in church?
Well what happened was, I was sitting behind a lady and when we stood up I noticed her skirt was caught between the cheeks of her bum so I reached forward and pulled it out and she punched me in the eye!
Next week Denzil walks into the pub with two black eyes
Where did you get that one? Asks Jethro
Same place as before I was standing behind the same woman and when we stood up I saw her skirt wasn't caught. Well I knew from last time she didn't like it out so I reached over and pushed it back in for her.
RabidAlien
1st Lieutenant
Aaron Brooks Wolters
Brigadier General
Thank you for the correction RA.
RabidAlien
1st Lieutenant
No worries, there was only one line that wasn't original (other than the origins). Its still an excellent essay!
I went to the store the other day, I was only in there for about 5 minutes and when I came out there was a damn motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket. So I went up to him and said, 'Come on buddy, how about giving a guy a break?' He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a pencil necked nazi. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having bald tires!! So I called him a horse ****. He finished the second ticket and put it on the car with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket!! This went on for about 20 minutes, the more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote. I didn't give a damn. My car was parked around the corner...
