Quotes and Jokes (7 Viewers)

[Maestro]

Sad but true !!

On a similar note...

Question: How can you tell the difference between a British, an Australian and an American Police Officer?

First, consider the following scene:

"You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, a dangerous looking man with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, raises the knife, and charges. You are carrying a Glock 40, and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family."

What do you do?

BRITISH POLICE OFFICERS

Answer: (Immediate thought processes)
Is the knife a ceremonial kirpan?
Does he prefer to communicate in English or PUNJABI
Will this negatively impact my chances of promotion?
Is this just his way of telling me that he pays my wages, and wants my job?
Would this be an appropriate time to hug him and sing Koombaya?
Will the media do a profile of him and how he was loved by everyone including his dog?
Is the alleged 'client' a member of the NDP or an Environmental Group?
Is he just a squeegee kid / pan handler trying to make a living on the mean streets?
Is he a member of a gang that is just 'misunderstood' by society?
Is he an undercover DAILY STAR reporter looking for a news breaker?
Is he a recent illegal immigrant to this country, and just doesn't know how to approach the police?
Is he recently released on parole and hasn't been properly integrated back into the community?
Is he a victim of fetal alcohol syndrome, and just doesn't understand what he is doing?
Counsel him and advise him of his rights under the Charter of Rights as he approaches.

AUSTRALIAN OFFICERS

Answer: BANG!



AMERICAN OFFICERS

Answer: BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! Click.
(Sounds of reloading)
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
Click.

I heard about the same joke made by an Australian comedian during a humor festival...

A thief comes out of a store carrying a (obviously stolen) TV.

French Police Officer
(Replace his cap on his head, make sure his hair are OK.) Freeze !

Belgian Police Officer
Uh... ? Freeze !

British Police Officer
Freeze... please !

Australian Police Officer
Ah ! F*ck it !

Canadian Police Officer
Freeze... BANG !

American Police Officer
BANG ! Freeze !

 

[RabidAlien]

 

[ccheese]

Did You Know The US Navy Invented Sex ?

A Marine and a sailor were sitting in a bar one day arguing over which was the superior service.
After a swig of beer the Marine says, 'Well, we had Iwo Jima.'
Arching his eyebrows, the sailor replies, 'We had the Battle of Midway.
Not entirely true', responded the Marine. 'Some of those pilots were Marines, in fact, Henderson Field on Guadalcanal
was named after a Marine pilot killed at the Battle of Midway.'
The sailor responds, 'Point taken.'
The Marine then says, 'We Marines were born at Tunn Tavern!'
The sailor, nodding agreement, says, 'But we had John Paul Jones.'
The argument continued until the sailor comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion. With a flourish
of finality he says...... 'The Navy invented sex!'
The Marine replies, 'That is true, but it was the Marines who introduced it to women.'

[Ouch !] Charles

 

[Messy1]

Booo!!!

 

[Airframes]

Cough! Splutter!
Nearly choked there Charles, good one!

 

[Gnomey]

 

[ccheese]

During a commercial airline flight a Navy pilot was seated next to a young mother with a babe in arms.
When the baby began crying during the descent for landing, the mother began nursing the infant as discreetly as possible.
The pilot pretended not to notice and, upon debarking, he gallantly offered his assistance to help with the various
baby-related paraphernalia.

When the young mother expressed her gratitude, the pilot responded, "Gosh, that's a good looking baby...and he sure was hungry!"

Somewhat embarrassed, the mother explained that her pediatrician said nursing would help alleviate the pressure in the baby's ears.

The Navy pilot sadly shook his head, and in true pilot fashion exclaimed, "Damn! And all these years I've been chewing gum."

Charles

 

[RabidAlien]

We all know the only good Marine is a submarine!

 

[BikerBabe]

Found this little gem online:
View: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HTIlsTW77Y8

 

[Gnomey]

 

[RabidAlien]

Found on Facebook:

 

[Maestro]

 

[Gnomey]

 

[Airframes]

Love it!

 

[Loiner]

All good ones above, all made me laugh.

 

[Wayne Little]

Glad to be back for a good laugh...

 

[Matt308]

One for my rare occasion frequenting your room...
____________________________________________________________

Judy got married and had 13 children. Her first husband,Ted, died of cancer.

She married again, and she and Bob had 7 more children. Bob was killed in a car accident 12 years later.

Judy again remarried, and this time, she and John had 5 more children.

Judy finally died, after having 25 children.

Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her. He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said,
"Lord, they are finally together."

Ethel leaned over and quietly asked her best friend, Margaret,

"Do you think he means her first, second, or third husband?"

Margaret replied, "I think he means her legs, Ethel . . . her legs"

 

[RabidAlien]

One night a wife found her husband standing over their newborn baby's crib. Silently she watched him. As he stood looking down at the sleeping infant, she saw on his face a mixture of emotions: disbelief, doubt, delight, amazement, enchantment, skepticism. He would stand back, shake his head and say, "Amazing," while smiling from ear to ear.

Touched by his unusual display and the deep emotions it aroused, her eyes glistened as she slipped her arms around him.

"A penny for your thoughts," she whispered in his ear.

"Isn't it amazing!" he replied. "When you take the time and really look close, how can anyone make a crib like that for only $39.99!"

 

[Wayne Little]

Never cheat on a Country Girl.....

A Country wife came home just in time to find her husband in bed with another woman.

With super-human strength, borne of fury, cutting firewood, lifting sacks of feed, and bales of hay, she dragged him down the stairs out the back door, and into the barn.

She put his manhood in a vice, secured it tightly, and removed the handle.

Next, she picked up an old carpenter's saw.

The banged up cheater was terrified, and hollered,

"Stop! Stop! You're not gonna cut it off with that rusty saw, are you? The wife, with a gleam of revenge in her eye, put the saw in her husband's hand and said......

"Nope....You are! I'm gonna burn down the barn!"

 

[Gnomey]