Quotes and Jokes (3 Viewers)

[Wayne Little]

A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee. The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."

The husband said, "You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."

Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."

Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me." So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says....

"HEBREWS"

 

[Geedee]

I went to my doctor the other day with some questions about food and diets. Couldn't see my normal doc so had a chat with his replacement, a jovial little Chinese dude.

Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart only good for so many beats, and that it...don't waste on exercise. Everything wear out eventually. Speeding up heart not make you live longer; it like saying you extend life of car by driving faster. Want to live longer? Take nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiency. What does cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So steak is nothing more than efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef also good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And pork chop can give you 100% of recommended daily allowance of vegetable product. Ice Cream even better everything Cow eats in one package!

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that mean they take water out of fruity bit so you get even more of goodness that way. Beer also made of grain. All people who don't drink unhappy happy people live longer so drink more. Bottom up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have body and you have fat, your ratio one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of single one, sorry. More people killed running on street than lying on couch. My philosophy is: No pain...good!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU NOT LISTENING! Food are fried these day in vegetable oil. In fact, they permeated by it. How could getting more vegetable be bad for you?!?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise muscle, it get bigger. You should only be doing sit-up if you want bigger stomach.

Q: What about food additives?
A: You want to complain about something for free? If it added must be better like fuel additive!

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy?!? HEL-LO-O!! Cocoa bean! Another vegetable! It best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming good for your figure, explain whale to me..

Q: Is getting in shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' a shape!

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

 

[Airframes]

I like it !!!

 

[Gnomey]

 

[syscom3]

One day a fourth-grade teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came up -- fireman, mechanic, businessman, salesman, doctor, lawyer, and so forth.


However, little Justin was being uncharacteristically quiet, so when the teacher prodded him about his father, he finally replied, 'Okay...my father's an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off all his clothes in front of other men and they put money in his underwear.


Sometimes, if the offer is really good, he will go home with some guy and stay with him all night for money.' The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some exercises and then took little Justin aside to ask him, 'Is that really true about your father?'


No', the boy said, 'He actually works for the Democratic National Committee and helped get Barack Obama elected President last year, but I was too embarrassed to say that in front of the class.'

 

[evangilder]

ROFL

 

[Aaron Brooks Wolters]

 

[Wayne Little]

 

[Gnomey]

 

[RabidAlien]

For our friends overseas...

 

[Geedee]

Sad but true !!

On a similar note...

Question: How can you tell the difference between a British, an Australian and an American Police Officer?

First, consider the following scene:

"You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, a dangerous looking man with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, raises the knife, and charges. You are carrying a Glock 40, and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family."

What do you do?

BRITISH POLICE OFFICERS

Answer: (Immediate thought processes)
Is the knife a ceremonial kirpan?
Does he prefer to communicate in English or PUNJABI
Will this negatively impact my chances of promotion?
Is this just his way of telling me that he pays my wages, and wants my job?
Would this be an appropriate time to hug him and sing Koombaya?
Will the media do a profile of him and how he was loved by everyone including his dog?
Is the alleged 'client' a member of the NDP or an Environmental Group?
Is he just a squeegee kid / pan handler trying to make a living on the mean streets?
Is he a member of a gang that is just 'misunderstood' by society?
Is he an undercover DAILY STAR reporter looking for a news breaker?
Is he a recent illegal immigrant to this country, and just doesn't know how to approach the police?
Is he recently released on parole and hasn't been properly integrated back into the community?
Is he a victim of fetal alcohol syndrome, and just doesn't understand what he is doing?
Counsel him and advise him of his rights under the Charter of Rights as he approaches.

AUSTRALIAN OFFICERS

Answer: BANG!



AMERICAN OFFICERS

Answer: BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! Click.
(Sounds of reloading)
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
Click.

 

[T Bolt]

Thanks for the good early morning laugh Gary!

 

[Gnomey]

 

[Airframes]

Love it !

 

[RabidAlien]

 

[Wayne Little]

 

[Aaron Brooks Wolters]

 

[vikingBerserker]

NICE!

 

[ccheese]

Flyboy Goes To Heaven...

An Air Force officer arrives in heaven. St Peter asks him if he has ever done anything in his life that he believes
makes him worthy of admittance to heaven. The officer flyboy replies; yes, I once went into a bar with four of
my pilot friends and saw two Seabees harassing a young girl at the bar, so being a gentleman I went up to the
biggest one and told him to leave this young lady alone. When he refused I told him again more forcefully. This
time I slapped him across the face and told this Seabee to stand down. St Peter said this was a very good thing
to do and asked when the pilot did this great act.

The pilot replied; about 5 minutes ago! My friends should be here shortly!

Charles

 

[Aaron Brooks Wolters]