Quotes and Jokes (6 Viewers)

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WAYNE: THIS ONE RULED!!!!!!! HAHAHAHAHA
 
I'm rather partial to that one myself...

Royal Melbourne Zoo had acquired a female of a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks, the gorilla became very cantankerous and difficult to handle. Upon examination, the Zoo veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was on heat. To make matters worse, there were no male gorillas of the species available. While reflecting on their problem, the Zoo management noticed Graham, an immigrant lad of Maori extraction ... a big former farm- labourer also a former All Black ... currently responsible for fixing the Zoo's machinery and feeding the giraffes. Graham, like most All Blacks, had little sense .... but seemed to be possessed with ample ability to satisfy a female of any species. So the Zoo administrators thought they might have a solution. Graham was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to have sex with the gorilla for $500? Graham showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully. The following day, Graham announced that he would accept their offer, but only under three conditions:
"Fust," he said, "I don't want to have to kuss er."
"Sicondly, you must niver niver tull anyone about thus." The Zoo administration quickly agreed to these conditions, so they asked what was his third condition? "Wull," said Graham, "You gotta give me another three wiks to come up with the $500!"
 
A guy with a black eye boards his plane bound for Pittsburgh and sits down in his seat.

He notices immediately that the guy next to him has a black eye, too. He says to him, 'Hey, this is a coincidence, we both have black eyes; mind if I ask how you got yours?'

The other guy says, 'It just happened, and was a 'tongue twister' accident. I was at the ticket counter and this gorgeous blonde with the most massive breasts in the world was there. So, instead of saying, 'I'd like two tickets to Pittsburgh ,' I accidentally said, 'I'd like two pickets to Tittsburgh'. So she socked me a good one.

The first guy replied, 'Wow! This is unbelievable. Mine was a tongue twister too. I was at the breakfast table and I wanted to say to my wife, 'Please pour me a bowl of Frosties, honey.' But I accidentally said, 'You ruined my life, you evil, self-centered, fat-a$$ed b!tch.'
 
War Veterans

Fred mistakenly gets on a bus full of war veterans, but upon discovering it
is going his way, decides to stay on for the ride.

He sits down next to a guy that jerks his head to the left every few
seconds, over and over. This really bothers Fred so he asks him,
"What's wrong with you?"

The reply is, "I got this in the war."

Fred finds this pretty disturbing so he switches seats.

The next guy he sits by has uncontrollable spastic twitches
in his right leg, causing him to kick the seat in front of
him, and even kicks Fred a few times.

So Fred asks him, "What is wrong with you?"

Again the answer is, "I got this in the war."

Fred moves.

The next guy poor Fred sits by begins erratically flailing
his left hand. Fred says, "Let me guess, you got that in the war?"

His reply was, "No, I got it out of my nose. I can't get it
off of my hand."
 
A man, while playing on the front nine of a complicated golf course, became confused as to where he was on the course. Looking around, he saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her, explained his confusion and asked her if she knew what hole he was playing.


She replied, "I'm on the 7th hole and you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole." He thanked her and went back to his golf.



On the back nine the same thing happened and he approached her again with the same request. She said, "I'm on the 14th, and you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 13th." Once again he thanked her and returned to his play.



He finished his round and went into the club house where he saw the lady sitting at the end of the bar. He asked the bartender if he knew the lady. The bartender said that she was a sales lady and played the course often.



He approached her and said, "Let me buy you a drink to show my appreciation for your help. I understand that you are a sales lady .... well, I am in sales also.

What do you sell?"

She replied, "If I told you, you would only laugh.

"

"No I wouldn't," he said and persisted that she tell him what she sold.



"Well if you must know", she answered, "I sell Tampax.

"

With that, he fell on the floor and laughed so hard he almost lost his breath. She said, "See I knew you would laugh.

"

"That's not what I'm laughing at," he replied, "I'm a toilet paper salesman, so I'm still a hole behind you!"
 
Three Bullets:

One day a heavily pregnant woman, expecting triplets, is walking down a non descript shopping street. She's about to pass by a local bank, when a masked robber armed with a handgun comes running out, alarm bells ringing.

The masked man crashes into the woman, and as he gets up he is so incensed about this preggo getting in his way, he shoots her three times in the belly.

She's rushed to hospital, where after numerous hours i surgery, the Doctors declare that she's fine and the babies are fine too (aawww, bless). A month later, she gives birth to 2 girls and a boy.

*16 years later*

The mother is sitting in her armchair one day, knitting something useless, when one of her daughters comes in:

"Mum, mum. Something really strange happened"

"Whats wrong? You know you can tell me anything"

"Well, its a bit embarrasing but... well... I was having a wee, and a bullet came out"

The mother thinks for a while and then explains the incident 16 years ago with the masked robber, and assures the daughter its nothing to worry about.

A couple of days later her other daughter comes in to the living room:

"Mum, mum. Something really strange happened"

"Whats wrong? You know you can tell me anything"

"Well, I was having a pee, and a bullet came out."

The mother reassures the daughter and tells her the same happened to her sister, and tells her the story of the masked robber. Second daughter is easily assured and goes off to carry on living her little life.

A few days pass again, and the son comes into the living room.

"Mum, mum. Something really strange happened"

The mum's pretty sure she knows whats happened:

"Yes, I know. You were having a pee and a bullet came out. Your sisters had the same thing happen to them"

"Well... ermm,.... no, not quite mum."

"Oh... what happened?"

"Well.... you see... I was kinda... well... I was having a wank.... And I shot the dog"
 
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