Quotes and Jokes (4 Viewers)
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Colin1
Senior Master Sergeant
A guy walks into the local dole office, marches straight up to the counter and says, "Hi... You know, I just HATE taking welfare. I'd really rather have a job."
The social worker behind the counter says, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful nymphomaniac daughter. You'll
have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips. You will have to satisfy her sexual urges.
You'll be provided a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The starting salary is £50,000 a year."
The guy, wide-eyed, says, "You're bullshittin" me!"
The social worker replies, "You started it..."
The social worker behind the counter says, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful nymphomaniac daughter. You'll
have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips. You will have to satisfy her sexual urges.
You'll be provided a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The starting salary is £50,000 a year."
The guy, wide-eyed, says, "You're bullshittin" me!"
The social worker replies, "You started it..."
RabidAlien
1st Lieutenant
Crap. I was gonna ask where to apply!!!
T Bolt
Colonel
Earl and Bubba are quietly sitting in a boat fishing, and drinking beer when suddenly Bubba says, "Think I'm gonna divorce the wife - she ain't spoke to me in over 2 months."
Earl spits overboard, takes a long, slow sip of beer and says, "Better think it over..............women like that are hard to find."
Earl spits overboard, takes a long, slow sip of beer and says, "Better think it over..............women like that are hard to find."
RabidAlien
1st Lieutenant
ToughOmbre
Senior Master Sergeant
THE PERFECT HUSBAND
Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cellular phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
MAN: 'Hello.'
WOMAN: 'Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?'
MAN: 'Yes.'
WOMAN: 'I am at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $2,000. Is it OK if I buy it?'
MAN: 'Sure, go ahead if you like it that much.'
WOMAN: 'I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and saw the new Models. I saw one I really liked.'
MAN: 'How much?'
WOMAN: ' $90,000.'
MAN: 'OK, but for that price I want it with all the options.'
WOMAN: 'Great! Oh, and one more thing...the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $980,000.'
MAN: 'Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of $ 900,000. They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 80 thousand if it's really a good deal.'
WOMAN: 'OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!'
MAN: 'Bye! I love you, too.'
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape.
He turns and asks: 'Anyone know who this phone belongs to?'
TO
Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cellular phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
MAN: 'Hello.'
WOMAN: 'Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?'
MAN: 'Yes.'
WOMAN: 'I am at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $2,000. Is it OK if I buy it?'
MAN: 'Sure, go ahead if you like it that much.'
WOMAN: 'I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and saw the new Models. I saw one I really liked.'
MAN: 'How much?'
WOMAN: ' $90,000.'
MAN: 'OK, but for that price I want it with all the options.'
WOMAN: 'Great! Oh, and one more thing...the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $980,000.'
MAN: 'Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of $ 900,000. They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 80 thousand if it's really a good deal.'
WOMAN: 'OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!'
MAN: 'Bye! I love you, too.'
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape.
He turns and asks: 'Anyone know who this phone belongs to?'
TO
ToughOmbre
Senior Master Sergeant
THE MIRACLE OF TOILET PAPER
Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror complaining to my Husband that my breasts are too small. Instead of characteristically telling me it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion.
If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds.'
Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and stand in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts. 'How long will this take?' I asked.
They will grow larger over a period of years,' my husband replies.
I stopped. 'Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?'
Without missing a beat he says, 'Worked for your ass, didn't it?'
He's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, he may even walk again, although he will probably continue to take his meals through a straw.
Stupid, stupid man.
TO
Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror complaining to my Husband that my breasts are too small. Instead of characteristically telling me it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion.
If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds.'
Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and stand in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts. 'How long will this take?' I asked.
They will grow larger over a period of years,' my husband replies.
I stopped. 'Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?'
Without missing a beat he says, 'Worked for your ass, didn't it?'
He's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, he may even walk again, although he will probably continue to take his meals through a straw.
Stupid, stupid man.
TO
Maestro
Master Sergeant
RabidAlien
1st Lieutenant
ToughOmbre
Senior Master Sergeant
Teaching Math - 1950 - 2010
Last week I purchased a burger at Burger King for $1.58. The counter girl took my $ 2 and I was digging for my change when I pulled 8 cents from my pocket and gave it to her. She stood there, holding the nickel and 3 pennies, while looking at the screen on her register. I sensed her discomfort and tried to tell her to just give me two quarters , but she hailed the manager for help. While he tried to explain the transaction to her, she stood there and cried. Why do I tell you this? Because of the evolution in teaching math since the 1950s:
1. Teaching Math In 1950s
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit?
2. Teaching Math In 1960s
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?
3. Teaching Math In 1970s
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80. Did he make a profit?
4. Teaching Math In 1980s
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20.
5. Teaching Math In 1990s
A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the preservation of our woodlands. He does this so he can make a profit of $20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes? (There are no wrong answers, and if you feel like crying, it's ok. )
6. Teaching Math In 2009
Un hachero vende una carretada de maderapara $100. El costo de la producciones es $80. Cuanto dinero ha hecho?
Year 2010:
Who cares, just steal the lumber from your rich neighbor's Property, he won't have a gun to stop you, and the President says its OK anyway cuz its redistributing the wealth.
TO
Last week I purchased a burger at Burger King for $1.58. The counter girl took my $ 2 and I was digging for my change when I pulled 8 cents from my pocket and gave it to her. She stood there, holding the nickel and 3 pennies, while looking at the screen on her register. I sensed her discomfort and tried to tell her to just give me two quarters , but she hailed the manager for help. While he tried to explain the transaction to her, she stood there and cried. Why do I tell you this? Because of the evolution in teaching math since the 1950s:
1. Teaching Math In 1950s
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit?
2. Teaching Math In 1960s
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?
3. Teaching Math In 1970s
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80. Did he make a profit?
4. Teaching Math In 1980s
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20.
5. Teaching Math In 1990s
A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the preservation of our woodlands. He does this so he can make a profit of $20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes? (There are no wrong answers, and if you feel like crying, it's ok. )
6. Teaching Math In 2009
Un hachero vende una carretada de maderapara $100. El costo de la producciones es $80. Cuanto dinero ha hecho?
Year 2010:
Who cares, just steal the lumber from your rich neighbor's Property, he won't have a gun to stop you, and the President says its OK anyway cuz its redistributing the wealth.
TO
Lucky13
Forum Mascot
'Ah! Foot ball! Waste of good land! Load of overpaid illiterate nancy boys pissing about for 90 minutes!!'
'All those gay ball jockies should get a real job. But I guess there are enough road sweepers and bin men already! They're too thick for anything else!'
'All those gay ball jockies should get a real job. But I guess there are enough road sweepers and bin men already! They're too thick for anything else!'
B-17engineer
Colonel
Lucky13
Forum Mascot
Year 2011:
Burn the sh*t down!
Burn the sh*t down!
ToughOmbre
Senior Master Sergeant
I'm with you Lucky!
How to correctly hold on in a moving train.....
(We're talking about the old guy by the door!)
TO
