Quotes and Jokes (6 Viewers)

Did you hear about the scarecrow that won a lifetime achievement award?

He was out, standing in his field...

This was too good not to post.

E-MOONING












We all know those cute little computer symbols called 'emoticons,' where:

means a smile and

is a frown.

Sometimes these are represented by





Well, how about some 'ASSICONS?'
Here goes:

(_!_) a regular ass


(!) a tight ass


(_*_) an ass hole

{_!_} a swishy ass

(_o_) an ass that's been around

(_x_) kiss my ass

(_X_) leave my ass alone

(_zzz_) a tired ass

(_E=mc2_) a smart ass

(_$_) Money coming out of his ass

(_?_) Dumb Ass

and which ASS best suits you Aaron...

The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon 'quickie' with their 8-year old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Mars Bar and tell him to report on all the Street activities.

He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation:

'There's a car being towed from the parking lot,' he shouted.

'An ambulance just drove by!'

'Looks like the Anderson's have company,' he called out.

'Matt's riding a new bike!'

'Looks like the Sanders are moving!'

'Jason is on his skate board!'

After a few moments he announced, 'The Coopers are shagging!!'

Startled, his mother and dad shot up in bed! Dad cautiously called out, 'How do you know they're shagging?'

Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Mars Bar.'

Good one, GD!






It was a beautiful Texas Saturday morning as Jake--an avid hunter--woke up ready to go bag the first deer of the season. He walks down to the kitchen to get a cup of coffee, and to his surprise he finds his wife, Alice, sitting there, fully dressed in camouflage.

Jake asks her: "What are you up to?"

Alice smiles: "I'm going hunting with you!"

Jake, though he had many reservations about this, reluctantly decides to take her along. Later they arrive at the hunting site. Jake sets his wife safely up in the tree stand and tells her: "If you see a deer, take careful aim on it and I'll come running back as soon as I hear the shot".

Jake walks away with a smile on his face knowing that Alice couldn't bag an elephant--much less a deer. Not 10 minutes pass when he is startled as he hears an array of gunshots.

Quickly, Jake starts running back. As Jake gets closer to her stand, he hears Alice screaming: "Get away from my deer!"

Confused, Jake races faster towards his screaming wife. And again he hears her yell: "Get away from my deer!" followed by another volley of gunfire.

Now within sight of where he had left his wife, Jake is surprised to see a cowboy, with his hands high in the air.

The cowboy, obviously distraught, says: "Okay, lady, okay!!!! You can have your deer!!! Just let me get my saddle off it!"

Good one RA! Okay, I got one, this one I heard back in high school.

Two friends are hunting in the woods, and one of the men has a new scope that he wants to try out. When they get to the top of the hill, the friend goes, "hey man, I'm gonna see if I can see you house from here." The other guy says no problem, and his friend starts using the scope. He says, "Dang, I can see your car, your grill, your pool, your. hey, I can see you wife in the bedroom, and she's naked!" Another second goes by, then he says, "hey wait a minute, I can see your nextdoor neighbor in your bedroom, and he's naked too!"
Startled and angered, the husband starts shouting, "Son of a bitch! Alright, you know what I want you to do?! I want you to shoot my wife in the mouth, and my neighbor in the d!ck!" The friend begins to line up his sights, and finally shouts, "hey man, I think that I can pull this off in one shot!"

Wayne Little said:

and which ASS best suits you Aaron...

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(_E=MC2_) Smart Ass!

Here's why teachers drink...

KMeyrick said:

Here's why teachers drink...

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Haha ! Good ones... I specially like that one, as it could easily be the kind of thing I would have answered in a math exam in elementary school !

Aaron Brooks Wolters said:

(_E=MC2_) Smart Ass!

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Now how did I know you would pick that one, Aaron...

KMeyrick said:

Here's why teachers drink...

Click to expand...

LMAO ! Excellent

This was a REAL question in a Grade 9 math book of Québec's Ministery of Education back in the late 90s... I swear I didn't made that one up.

John was planning a trip in Europe. Scared of terrorist attacks, he knew that the chances of getting on a plane with a bomb aboard was of 2%. So he went to the local store and bought the stuff needed to build his own bomb. What are the chances that John's plane takes off with two bombs aboard ?

Click to expand...

Note : I wrote this question off the top of my head, some numbers could be wrong/missing, but you get the picture... That question was censored from the book the following year.

Now, who wish to come to Prague with me ?

The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around, that they offered a standing $1000 bet.

The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and then hand the lemon to a patron.

Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money.

Many people had tried over time (weightlifters, longshoremen, etc.), but nobody could do it.

One day, this scrawny little man came in, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny, squeaky voice," I'd like to try the bet."

After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man. The crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass.

As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man, "What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weightlifter, or what?"

The man replied," I work for the IRS.

Dear Dogs and Cats:



The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your food.. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Racing me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort, however.. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other, stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out on the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.

For the last time, there is no secret exit from the bathroom! If, by some miracle, I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge in an attempt to open the door. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years - canine/feline attendance is not required.

The proper order for kissing is: Kiss me first, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough.

Finally, in fairness, dear pets, I have posted the following message on the front door:

TO ALL NON-PET OWNERS WHO VISIT AND LIKE TO COMPLAIN ABOUT OUR PETS:



(1) They live here. You don't.
(2) If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. That's why they call it 'fur'-niture.
(3) I like my pets a lot better than I like most people..
(4) To you, they are animals. To me, they are adopted sons/daughters who are short, hairy, walk on all fours and don't speak clearly.

Remember, dogs and cats are better than kids because they:
(1) eat less,
(2) don't ask for money all the time,
(3) are easier to train,
(4) normally come when called,
(5) never ask to drive the car,
(6) don't smoke or drink,
(7) don't want to wear your clothes,
(8) don't have to buy the latest fashions,
(9) don't need a gazillion dollars for college and
(10) if they get pregnant, you can sell their children...

(11) they never ask "Why"?

Conversation with God:

Man: God?
God: Yes?
Man: Can I ask you something?
God: Of course!
Man: What's a million years for you?
God: A second.
Man: And a million dollars?
God: A penny.
Man: God, Could I have a penny?
God: Wait for a second.