Quotes and Jokes (3 Viewers)

[N4521U]

Qantas Airlines: Repair Division

In case you need a laugh:
Remember, it takes a college degree to fly a plane but only a high school diploma to fix one.

After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a 'Gripe Sheet' which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft.
The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the Gripe Sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humour.
Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.

By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.


P: Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tyre.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.

P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny........... (I love this one!)
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

And the best one for last..................
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget

 

[syscom3]

On a flight getting ready to depart for Detroit ...

Jack was sitting on the plane when a guy took the seat beside him. The guy was an emotional wreck, pale, hands shaking, moaning in fear. "What's the matter?" Jack asked.

"I've been transferred to Detroit , there's crazy people there. They've got lots of shootings, gangs, race riots, drugs, poor public schools, and the highest crime rate."


Jack replied, "I've lived in Detroit all my life. It's not as bad as the media says. Find a nice home, go to work, mind your own business, enroll your kids in a nice private school. It's as safe a place as anywhere in the world."


The guy relaxed and stopped shaking and said, "Oh, thank you. I've been worried to death. But if you live there and say it's OK, I'll take your word for it. What do you do for a living?"

"Me?" said Jack. "I'm a tail gunner on a Budweiser truck."

 

[RabidAlien]

**********************************


I went to Home Depot recently while not being altogether sure that course of action was a wise one. You see, the previous evening I had prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented 'you're definitely going to **** yourself' road-kill chili. Tasty stuff, although hot to the point of being painful, which comes with a written guarantee from me that if you eat it, the next day both of your butt cheeks WILL fall off..


Here's the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after two cups of coffee (and all of you know what I mean) nothing happened. No 'Watson's Movement'. Despite the chillies swimming their way through my intestinal tract, I was unable to create the usual morning symphony referred to by my dear wife as 'thunder and lightning'.

Knowing that a time of reckoning HAD to come, yet not sure of just when, I bravely set off for Home Depot, my quest being paint and supplies to refinish the deck. Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal. I selected a cart and began pushing it about dropping items in for purchase.. It wasn't until I was at the opposite end of the store from the toilets that the pain hit me.

Oh, don't look at me like you don't know what I'm talking about. I'm referring to that 'Uh, Oh, ****, gotta go' pain that always seems to hit us at the wrong time. The thing is, this pain was different. The chillies from the night before were staging a revolt. In a mad rush for freedom they bullied their way through the small intestines, forcing their way into the large intestines, and before I could take one step in the direction of the toilets which would bring sweet relief, it happened. The chillies fired a warning shot.

There I stood, alone in the paint and stain section, suddenly enveloped in a toxic cloud the likes of which has never before been recorded. I was afraid to move for fear that more of this vile odor might escape me. Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part of my body, and I began to move up the aisle and out of it, just as a red aproned clerk turned the corner and asked if I needed any help.

I don't know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what his reaction would be to the toxic non-visible fog that refused to dissipate.. Have you ever been torn in two different directions emotionally? Here's what I mean, and I'm sure some of you at least will be able to relate. I could've warned that poor clerk, but didn't. I simply watched as he walked into an invisible, and apparently indestructible, wall of odor so terrible that all he could do before gathering his senses and running, was to stand there blinking and waving his arms about his head as though trying to ward off angry bees. This, of course, made me feel terrible, but then made me laugh. ........BIG mistake!!!!! Here's the thing. When you laugh, it's hard to keep things 'clamped down', if you know what I mean. With each new guffaw an explosive issue burst forth from my nether region. Some were so loud and echoing that I was later told a few folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing
that someone was robbing the store and firing off a shotgun. Suddenly things were no longer funny.. 'It' was coming, and I raced off through the store towards the toilet, laying down a cloud the whole way, praying that I'd make it before the grand explosion took place.
Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the john, began the inevitable 'Oh my God', floating above the toilet seat because my ass is burning SO BAD, purging. One poor fellow walked in while I was in the middle of what is the true meaning of 'Shock and Awe'.. He made a gagging sound, and disgustedly said, 'Son-of-a-bitch!, did it smell that bad when you ate it?', then quickly left.

Once finished and I left the restroom, reacquired my partially filled cart intending to carry on with my shopping when a store employee approached me and said, 'Sir, you might want to step outside for a few minutes. It appears some prankster set off a stink bomb in the store. The manager is going to run the vent fans on high for a minute or two which ought to take care of the problem.'

My smirking of course set me off again, causing residual gases to escape me. The employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his shirt up to cover his nose and, pointing at me in an accusing manner shouted, 'IT'S YOU!', then ran off returning moments later with the manager. I was unceremoniously escorted from the premises and asked none too kindly not to return.

Home again without my supplies, I realized that there was nothing to eat but leftover chili, so I consumed two more bowls. The next day I went to shop at Lowes. I can't say anymore about that because we are in court over the whole matter. Bastards claim they're going to have to repaint the store.


********************************

 

[Gnomey]

 

[beaupower32]

Im crying over here RA, that was probably the funniest Sh!t I have read all day.

 

[gumbyk]

Jeez, RA, I tried to read that at work. You know how stupid I looked trying to stifle my laughing???

 

[gumbyk]

A Texan walks in to a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. Ill give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back.

The room is quiet, and no one takes up the Texans offer. One man even leaves.

Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. Is your bet still good? asks the Irishman.

The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses, drinking them all back-to-back.

The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement. The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, If ya dont mind me askin, where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?

The Irishman replies, Oh I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first.

 

[wheelsup_cavu]

--------

I haven't laughed so hard that I cried in a long time.
Thanks RA.


Wheels

 

[RabidAlien]

 

[Wayne Little]

 

[Airframes]

Bl**dy marvellous RA and Gum !!
Three couples apply to join one of those strange churches, the type which have strict rules and so on.
The Minister has a chat with them, laying out the format of the church, and the rules they must obey. Finally, he announces they will be on a trial period, and must pass a 'test', before being welcomed into the congregation.
"Now," he begins, "as a test of your faith and integrity, in order to welcome in our church, you must abstain from sex for one month".
The first couple, who are fairly elderly, smile at ach other, and then the husband replies.
"Shouldn't be a problem, we've been married over forty years, and only have sex maybe once or twice a year".
The Minister nods and smiles, then turns to the second couple, looking for their reaction.
"Well", the husband responds, "we've been married just under eight years, and only have sex about once a month. I reckon we can manage that."
Again the Minsiter smiles, before turning to the last couple, who are young, and sitting very close to each other, holding hands.
"And do you think you can uphold this request?" He asks.
"Well," replied the young husband,"we've only been married two months, and I guess it's going to be tough. But we really want to join this community, so yes, we'll do it."
"Good. I'll see you all one month from now." The Minister replied, dismissing the three couples.
A month passes, and the three couples meet with the Minister again.
"So, how did you manage with the test I set you?" he asks of the first, elderley couple.
"Not a problem at all. We abstained from sex as requested."
The Minister smiles broadly, "Excellent, and you are now most welcome to join our congregation".
He turns to the couple who have been married for just under eight years, "And you?" he asks.
"It was tough towards the end". the husband replies. "But I'm happy to report we managed it".
"Well done, and welcome to our church". The Minister smiles in reply.
"And how about you?" He asks of the newly weds.
The young husband looks sheepish, and stutters slightly before replying.
"Well it was very, very tough. We were doing well until yesterday, and then it all fell apart. You see, my beautiful wife bent over, right in front of me, in order to pick up a can of paint. I'm sorry, but I couldn't resist it, I just had to take her there and then."
The Minister frowns, then states "I'm sorry to hear that. You do realise that you are no longer welcome in our church?"
"We're no longer welcome in Homebase either!" replies the young husband.

 

[Gnomey]

 

[RabidAlien]

 

[Wayne Little]

 

[Maestro]

 

[Wayne Little]

A middle-aged man bought a brand new Holden Monaro. He took off down the road, pushed it up to 130 kph, and was enjoying the wind blowing through his (thinning) hair. This is great,' he thought and accelerated to an even higher speed.

But then he looked in his rear-view mirror, and there was a Police Car behind him, blue and red lights flashing. I can get away from him with no problem' thought the man and he floored it some more, and flew down the road at over 210 kph to escape being stopped.

Then he thought, 'What the hell am I doing?

I'm too old for this kind of thing' and pulled over to the side of the road, and waited for the Police car to catch up with him. The Policeman pulled in behind the Monaro and walked up on the driver's side.

'Sir my Shift ends in five minutes and today is Friday the 13th. If you can give me a good reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go.'

The man looked back at the Policeman and said, 'Last week my wife ran off with a Policeman, and I thought you were bringing her back.'

The Policeman said, 'Have a nice day.'

 

[v2]

A woman goes to the doctor, beaten black and blue.

Doctor: "What happened?"

Woman: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk he beats me to a pulp."

Doctor: "I have a real good medicine for that. When your husband comes home drunk, just take a glass of chamomile tea and start gargling with it. Just gargle and gargle."

Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.

Woman: "Doctor, that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband came home drunk, I gargled with chamomile tea. I gargled and gargled, and nothing happened!"

Doctor: "You see how keeping your mouth shut helps?"

 

[Aaron Brooks Wolters]

 

[Gnomey]

 

[Catch22]