Quotes and Jokes (7 Viewers)

[RabidAlien]

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Couple of quotes from "Bridge Too Far" that I've always liked:

(while trying to find a way through celebrating townsfolk who believe they've been liberated):
Col. Robert Stout: I'm Bobby Stout.
Lt. Colonel J.O.E. Vandeleur: Have you ever been liberated before?
Col. Robert Stout: I got divorced twice, does that count?
Lt. Colonel J.O.E. Vandeleur: That counts.


(SS officer approaching Frost's position at the foot of the Arnhem bridge under white flag):
Major Harry Carlyle: Rather interesting development, sir.
[to the German]
Major Harry Carlyle: That's far enough! We can hear you from there!
SS Panzer Officer: My general says there is no point in continuing this fighting! He wishes to discuss terms of a surrender!
Major Harry Carlyle: Shall I answer him, sir?
Lt. Col. John Frost: Tell him to go to hell.
Major Harry Carlyle: We haven't the proper facilities to take you all prisoner! Sorry!
SS Panzer Officer: [confused] What?
Major Harry Carlyle: We'd like to, but we can't accept your surrender! Was there anything else?
[German officer walks off]
Lt. Col. John Frost: Well, that's that.

 

[Catch22]

Tom Hanks Forces Houseguests To Play 'World War II' With Him | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

 

[gumbyk]

Here in NZ, the IRD is the equivalent of the IRS in the States...




At the end of the tax year, the IRD office sent an inspector to audit the books of a local hospital. While the IRD agent was checking the books he turned to the CEO of the hospital and said, "I notice you buy a lot of bandages. What do you do with the end of the roll when there's too little left to be of any use?"

"Good question," noted the CEO. "We save them up and send them back to the bandage company and every now and then they send us a free box of bandages."

"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way. "What about all these plaster purchases? What do you do with what's left over after setting a cast on a patient?"

"Ah, yes," replied the CEO, realising that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question . "We save it and send it back to the manufacturer, and every now and then they send us a free package of plaster."

"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all CEO.. "Well," he went on, "What do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"

"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the CEO. "We save all the little foreskins and send them to the IRD Office, and about once a year they send us a complete dick."

 

[RabidAlien]

 

[Wayne Little]

 

[Gnomey]

 

[Matt308]

Don't hang around her too much, so apologize if this has been posted before...
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A guy calls his buddy, the horse rancher, says he's sending a friend over to look at a horse.

His buddy asks, 'How will I recognize him?'

'That's easy; he's a dwarf with a speech impediment.'

So, the dwarf shows up, the guy asks him if he's looking for a male or female horse.

'A female horth.'

So he shows him a prized filly.

'Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth?'

So the guy picks up the dwarf he gives the horse's eyes the once over.

'Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth?'

So he picks the little fella up again, shows him the horse's ears.

'Nith earzth, can I thee her mouf?'

The rancher is getting pretty ticked off by this point, but he picks him up again shows him the horse's mouth.

'Nice mouf, can I see her twat?'

Totally mad at this point, the rancher grabs him under his arms rams the dwarf's head up the horse's fanny, pulls him out slams him on the ground.

The midget gets up, sputtering coughing.

'Perhapth I should rephrase that. Can I thee her wun awound a widdlebit?'

 

[RabidAlien]

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A man, seeking to join the Texas State Troopers, is being interviewed.

The Sergeant doing the interview says, "Your qualifications all look good, but there is an attitude suitability test that you must take before you can be accepted."

Then, sliding a service pistol across the desk, he says, "Take this pistol, go out and shoot six illegal aliens, six meth dealers, six Muslim extremists, six Progressive Liberal Democrats, and a rabbit."

"Why the rabbit?" the man asks.

"That's the attitude we're looking for," says the Sergeant. "When can you start?"

 

[Maestro]

 

[RabidAlien]

Irony: always carrying two books with you, in case you finish one five minutes into your lunch hour. How is this ironic, you ask? Current book: "Patton: A Genius for War" by Carlo D'Este. Backup book: "Knight's Cross: A Life of Field Marshal Erwin Rommel" by David Fraser. You just can't plan stuff like this!!!

 

[Loiner]

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
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ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year!
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ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
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ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan.
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ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
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ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
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ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Would you repeat the question?
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ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
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ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
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ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
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ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
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ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
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ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
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ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

 

[Wayne Little]

 

[Aaron Brooks Wolters]

Excellent guys!! Keep'em coming!!

 

[RabidAlien]

 

[Lucky13]

Just so that you know fellas, I don't drink anymore...I freeze it and eat it like a popsicle.....

 

[Wayne Little]

...

 

[Gnomey]

 

[wheelsup_cavu]

Wheels

 

[syscom3]

Wild_posts - Online Business Schools

 

[RabidAlien]

Round two: