Quotes and Jokes (2 Viewers)

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Corallaries to Murphy's Law

1. The 2 most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.

2. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

3. Money can't buy happiness. But it sure makes misery easier to live with.

4. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

5. Psychiatrists say that 1 of 4 people are mentally ill. Check three friends....if they're ok, you're it.

6. Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check.

7. A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn.

8. It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.

9. Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn.

10. If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget your book.

11. The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.

12. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

13. You can't fall off the floor.

14. The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.

15. Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.

16. Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by moving from where you left them to where you can't find them.

17. Law of Probability Dispersal: Whatever it is that hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.
 
Billy-bawb bumps into Nestor down at the local bar
"Wassup Billy-bawb" greets Nestor
"Awww sheeyit"exclaims Billy-bawb "You don't gonna believe what jes' happen ter me"
"OK" replies Nestor, a little confused "...what jes' happen to yer?"
"Well" recounts Billy-bawb "I wuz layin awn ma bed, jes' pullin th'old fella, t'pass the time till ah have ter feed the pigs, when in comes grandmaw"
"Awww sheeyit" sympathises Nestor "whad she say?"
"Say?" replies Billy-bawb "nuthin, she only done gone and had a stroke"
"Aww sweet Jeezuz Billy-bawb, is she OK?"
"Aww, she's fine Nestor, but ah never realised she had such soft hands.."
 
:evil4:

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?' 'No,' she answered. I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight started…
 
The Seven Dwarfs are on holiday in Rome (Snow White had a photo shoot in Florida), when Dopey bursts into the hotel bar, with a big grin on his face, and announces he's just made it with a Nun.
"A Nun!?!" the other six dwarves exclaim in surprise.
"Yup!" replies Dopey, proudly.
"How'd you manage that?" asks Grumpy, "You're only three feet tall!"
"So was she". Replies Dopey.
"Hmm. Sounds a bit of a story to me, I'll check it out tomorrow" Grumpy replies.
Sure enough, Grumpy visits the local Church the next day, seeks out the Priest, and asks him the question.
"Father, are there any three feet tall Nuns in Rome?"
"My son, I do notta thinka so!" replies Father Giaconelli. "There are strict height requirements for all Nuns serving the Faith in Rome".
"Any three feet tall Nuns in Italy at all then?" asks Grumpy.
"Ah, my son, thatta I notta sure about. Maybe you aska at the offices in da Vatican, Si?"
"OK, thanks". Grumpy replied, and made his way to the Vatican. On arrival, he asks the same question at the main enquiries office. The clerk there is unsure, so calls a Cardinal.
The Cardinal, sure there are no three feet tall Nuns in Rome, is not so sure about three feet tall Nuns in the rest of Italy. For all he knows, there might be a visiting Nun, from anywhere in the World.
The Cardinal decides to escort Grumpy to a special Audience with the Pope.
Grumpy asks the same questions of the Pontif.
The Pope looks down on Grumpy from his throne, and replies, "My son, I can assure you, there are no three feet tall Nuns in Rome, in Italy, or anywhere in the World. I would know if there were".
"Thank you, your Holiness." Grumpy replies, bows, and leaves.
Grumpy is escorted to the main entrance of the Vatican, and, as he descends the steps, he sees the rest of the dwarves gathered expectantly below him.
With an uncharacteristic smile, Grumpy looks at his friends and just shakes his head.
The other dwarves burst into laughter, then all turn to Dopey and sing in unison "Dopey had a penguin, Dopey had a Penguin!!"
 
At the end of the tax year, the IRS office sent an inspector to audit the books of a local hospital.

While the IRS agent was checking the books he turned to the CFO of the hospital and said, "I notice you buy a lot of bandages. What do you do with the end of the roll when there's too little left to be of any use?"


"Good question," noted the CFO. "We save them up and send them back to the bandage company and every now and then they send us a free box of bandages."


"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way.


"What about all these plaster purchases? What do you do with what's left over after setting a cast on a patient?"

"Ah, yes," replied the CFO, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We save it and send it back to the manufacturer, and every now and then they send us a free package of plaster."

"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all CFO. "Well," he went on, "What do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"

"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the CFO. "What we do is save all the little foreskins and send them to the IRS Office, and about once a year they send us a complete dick."
 
After all this time... we all thought it was impossible, but it seems they've found it:

The formula to understand women!
 

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