Your Funny, Humorous or Incredible Military Stories

So, there I was...

First off, I'm old so this story is from quite a few years ago. Back when the Shah was in power and everything was hunky-dory between Iran and the land of the big BX, I was a crew chief on a KC-135A. We were dragging some new F-14's across to Iran. They were all done up in Iranian camo of grays and blues and tans and looked beautiful. It was a long and boring trip. At some point the Boom gets my attention pointing to his phones. I get on the comm and hear some chatter between our AC and the lead F-14. They're going to put on a show to break their boredom and get some blood spread around a bit. So they go through some aerial escapades and we watch. Then they form back up and rotate behind us to get a little more push water. After the refuel is done my AC calls them and suggests they put a little space between themselves and us because he's gonna put on a show too. I'm thinking "what the ...?" They spread out and my AC calls to them saying "Okay, watch this" We don't budge a inch but continue on course. The F-14 skipper calls over after a few minutes asking what he should be looking for. Our AC apologizes and says "Oh, sorry, I had to get up first to take a leak, jog around the cargo compartment to stretch a bit and get a cup of coffee. I can't spill the coffee now, can I?"

Okay, it's not a side-splitter but at the time we knew those drivers were getting pretty antsy shifting from cheek to cheek.

One of my jobs while airborne was to bring porn rags and be ready when we started refueling. Usually the right or back seater of the receiver would do the same. It was kind of traditional. Then while we're locked on and dragging them we'd take turns showing each other the various centerfold spreads. If the receiver was a single place we'd just entertain him compliments of our AC. He'd usually signal us to turn the page. We were very close to the cockpits of the F-4s because their receivers were aft of the canopy along the spine. Those were the best shows.

Last, I blew over a Chevy step-van while in Zaragosa, Spain. I was running all 4 with water injection while doing an engine trim and throttle alignment and he just casually drove right behind the plane. I don't know if anyone knows it but a j57-59w engine burning water puts out a pretty good exhaust plume of black smoke so the dude had to see it. He said he did but thought he could just drive right through it no prob. Noob. The look on his face is as crisp in my memory now as it was the moment he crawled out of that truck. Priceless.

Well, this is another story that Vassili and I's grandpa when he was a cop, so here it goes.
During the sixties in Hartford, my grandpa and several other police officers were ordered to get ready to confront a huge protesting mob. My grandpa had one of the guys load and prep a shotgun while the others discussed about the riot and their plans to deal with it.
Ten seconds later, they all hear a loud bang in the other room, and they all rush into see what happened. Apparently, the guy who was in charge of loading the shotgun accidently pulled the trigger while doing this and blew a hole in the ceiling. They quickly took the shotgun away from the man and had him on desk duty for the duration of the riot.

Sweb:

That was a funny story with the KC-135. Never challenge a tanker pilot! He will dream up something that a fighter can't do!

When I was at Grissom AFB, I got to go on an incentive ride. That was neat. We refueled 2 Missouri ANG RF-4s on our way to Travis AFB. Then on the trip home we did a night refueling of a C-5. That thing is HUGE!

I got to fly the boom at one point in the flight. That was fun.

The old Boomer's job description: It takes 3 officers and an 8 million dollar aircraft to take them to work. Then when it is time to go to work, he goes to the back of the airplane, lies down, and passes gas!

This happened back in West Germany in 1982 while I was out in the field with the 601st Tactical Control Squadron. We didn't take our big tents to the field. We just had our pup tents. That ment we had about 200 pup tents scattered everwhere!

One morning I woke up and got dressed in my little tent. I am 6' 4" tall and it was cold outside. So I dressed inside the sleeping bag. That was something to see. I opened the end of the tent and saw nothing but white. No, it hadn't snowed. Some one had TPed (wrapped it in toilet paper) my tent! I knew who was behind this. I "cut" my way through the wet toilet paper. Once outside I gathered up all of the wet TP into a soggy ball. I went to John Smith's pup tent and unsnapped the top. Then I dropped the soggy ball inside.

Later John Smith came to our shop truck complaining about me dropping that soggy TP inside just missing his face! I just said, "Sorry John! I mistook your tent for the dumpster!"

John rambled on for a bit and let it drop. Later he did admit that he and another did the TPing on my tent. So I hit the right target!

Bill G.

Sweb said:

First off, I'm old so this story is from quite a few years ago. Back when the Shah was in power and everything was hunky-dory between Iran and the land of the big BX, I was a crew chief on a KC-135A. We were dragging some new F-14's across to Iran. They were all done up in Iranian camo of grays and blues and tans and looked beautiful. It was a long and boring trip. At some point the Boom gets my attention pointing to his phones. I get on the comm and hear some chatter between our AC and the lead F-14. They're going to put on a show to break their boredom and get some blood spread around a bit. So they go through some aerial escapades and we watch. Then they form back up and rotate behind us to get a little more push water. After the refuel is done my AC calls them and suggests they put a little space between themselves and us because he's gonna put on a show too. I'm thinking "what the ...?" They spread out and my AC calls to them saying "Okay, watch this" We don't budge a inch but continue on course. The F-14 skipper calls over after a few minutes asking what he should be looking for. Our AC apologizes and says "Oh, sorry, I had to get up first to take a leak, jog around the cargo compartment to stretch a bit and get a cup of coffee. I can't spill the coffee now, can I?"

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Hehe - heard that one many times!

Yep... many times. Good one though. Thought it was more legend than reality.

The stories in this thread are hilarious.
I started on page 1 and have made it to page 9.
Sorry I can't add any to it but I had to say something after laughing so hard at so many of them.

Wheelsup

wheelsup_cavu said:

The stories in this thread are hilarious.
I started on page 1 and have made it to page 9.
Sorry I can't add any to it but I had to say something after laughing so hard at so many of them.

Wheelsup

Click to expand...

Wheelsup, I am glad you are enjoying the stories. Some darned funny things happen when you are in uniform!

The warning is because we are absolutely NOT responsible for any damages cause by your laughing. This includes drinking something just before the punch line and spraying your computer monitor or laptop. Also included is falling out of your chair laughing! Splitting your gut laughing is at your own risk. This is to include any strained or pulled muscles.

These are the risk you assume when reading this thread. So do so completely at your own risk!

Bill G.

Thanks for the warning Bill.
I may have to go out and get a 5 point harness for my office chair to keep from falling out of it.

I have found that some of the craziest and funniest stories I have been told were by someone telling me a story about their time in the service.
Even when they are telling you about what could have been the deadliest of all situations they somehow put a funny spin on it.

As Ahrnold said, "I'll be back." to read more of them that is.

Wheeslup

Reminds me of Woodbourne, Dave.
I was Catering Flight and this was during AOC's (Air Officer Commanding) parade in Easter. As I wasn't there on that particular date I'm only reporting as 2nd-hand.
Now, cooks are noted for their "creative" approach to alcoholic beverage production. Some involve 44-gal plastic bins.

AOC's inspection party duly arrive. Top brass and entourage, OC Cat, W/O Cat, Base W/O, various SNCOs. Junior ranks' mess is spanking clean and shiny. Inspection's the normal formality and they go through to the storage and prep areas and start to head out.
"Good job, Flt Lt, blah-blah-blah, keep it up."
As they depart through the main doors the ceiling in one of the back areas creaks, gives a loud crack and a plastic, 44-gal bin of fermenting carrot water, oranges, raisins, etc. crashed through and explodes.
NCO i/c rushes back to see what made all this noise, and in time to catch the last of the inundation escaping down drains.

"Right, who's responsible for that?"
A few mumbled replies.
" Well, clean it up PDQ, CO's back in 30 mins. And you'd better move the rest SOMEWHERE ELSE, then. Be careful with mine."

I did, however, spend many a quiet weekend practising wine-making in the big mess. One upside of a big kitchen is so many hidey-holes to store 5-gal or ten-gal pails.
Made some lovely wines in the process.

I remember back in basic it was our last week there. We were at chow enjoying the first time to sit and relax without a instructor yelling at us. All of a sudden at the Snake Pit (where the Instructors sat in front of all of us) this one guy starts yelling at a girl who had got at basic the night before. Well apperntly she didnt do a facing movement. So one TI (I think he was ready for his football games to come on) threw a napkin as a penilty flag. He made her back up about 5 feet and try it again. Well, she failed and got another penilty flag. She ended racking 5 flags (napkins) up and finally got it right while she was standing in the kitchen. We were trying not to laugh but we couldnt hold it any more.The TI's were laughing so hard one had to get up and leave.


Another story is my base at the time was sending some F-16's down to Sheppard to become trainers for the tech school students. Well, we had a good engine in the plane, and in our shop we had one that had no more time left on it. Well, we arrived a day before the F-16 got there and got settled down on where we were going to do the Engine Change. Well, the next day Me and the 2 crew chiefs arrived and what do we find. The Tech School kids had already started removing the engine and had it half way out. Well, we decided to let the kids do the rest of the work and we went to the strip club and had a grand old time. Dont know if it was really funny or not, but at the time it was to us. We endend up staying 5 days down there and only did about a hours worth of work.



One more and I will quit. This happened just last year. I was doing a Max power run on a C-17 for some thrust reverser problems. Well, I had just got the Number 1 and 4 engines to MAX power when the wind changed directions and started comming up the exhaust. In doing that it caused the #4 engine to have a compressor stall and shot a fireball out the front. Well I had a girl sitting behind me in the observer seat, and when the compressor stall happened, she about made a new door in the side of the plane. So I brought the engines back to idle, and then I had to get her back to idle, as she thought the whole world was comming to a end. It was so funny, she started crying.

Hi.
Ive told a few tales, but not that I was a glutton for punishment!..When I left school in 1944, I was fourteen and there were't many jobs to be had. I had a job as a Naval messenger on the Grimsby naval base HMS Beaver, very interesting. Bell bottoms, a flat hat and a funny salute! One day I was outside the fleet mail office watching a frigate coming through the lock into the Humber estuary, there was a lot of signalling going on between the frigate and the captains bridge and I aske a petty officer what was being said. He told me there was an air raid last night and Kittywake asked the bridge if Jerry had laid any mines last night and the bridge answered, we will soon know, your first out this morning!!
My next job was french polishing and piano repairs. Then came National Service, I was in the Royal Artillery as a signaller. Typically, I finished my signals training and was posted to an ack ack regiment, they don't use signallers!! I ended up as a battery clerk. Now, here is the glutton for punishment bit. Three months after demob, I signed on in the Royal Air Force and trained as electrical fitter. Ended up working on Avro Lincolns with 617 Squadron (The Dam Busters) and then on Canberra's, which we took to Malaya for six months. The gluttony carries on. I served for 30 years with air cadets, they were so pleased, they gave me a medal and a commendation. Now at 79, I'm still on the go, work saurdays at the local aviation museum and help my wife breeding miniature poodles, we have lovely litter of five growing at tyhe moment, five days old, on sale in nine weeks. One is already spoken for.

Ken

Hey, here's another old cop story from Vassili and I's grandpa.

During the early 70's, when my grandpa got his own squad car, there was another cop in his unit who had the midnight shift, checking for speeders, patrolling the neighborhood and stuff like that. Only this cop wanted to sleep through the night, but knew that he's odometer would be checked after his shift, to see how many miles he had patrolled. So, one night, him and one of his friends took his squad car into a garage, hoist the back end up on a jack, turn the engine on, put a pipe on the gas pedal, and left the car on full gas while the cop went to take a nap ( it's kinda what happened in "Ferris Bueller's Day Off", only they went forward instead of reverse).
Unfortunately, the motion of the engine knocked the car off the jack, and the car ended up speeding through and breaking through the garage door, damaging the car in the process. The cop in question got suspended for a period of time after his superiors found out what happened.

Heh. Guess they forgot the wheel chocks, eh?

hehe, I think so. don't remember my grandpa saying that he was the smartest cop out of the force, so this would explain why.

Not my story, this is from a Brit Test Pilots autobiog.
He was in Australia, flying a Mirage at well over Mach 1 and had to eject. Many injuries which he made a full recovery from.
The RAAF supplied him with a wheelchair 'customised' to look like an ejector seat.
This included a 'piss tube' which was way too short for him to use.
He made the mistake of complaining about this and got the answer
'When producing the chair we had no knowledge of your personal dimensions and based the design around the needs of the average Australian fighter pilot'

PJay said:

Not my story, this is from a Brit Test Pilots autobiog.
He was in Australia, flying a Mirage at well over Mach 1 and had to eject. Many injuries which he made a full recovery from.
The RAAF supplied him with a wheelchair 'customised' to look like an ejector seat.
This included a 'piss tube' which was way too short for him to use.
He made the mistake of complaining about this and got the answer
'When producing the chair we had no knowledge of your personal dimensions and based the design around the needs of the average Australian fighter pilot'

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Hope nobody told his girlfriend!

nice one PJay.

Nice!