Lucky13
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Great stuff fellas!
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Great stuff fellas!
Ferdinand Foch
Staff Sergeant
Good stuff guys. Thanks B-17, though the second picture I posted wasn't what I wanted. Anyway, in case if you ever wanted to know what Good Will Hunting would be like if it had a sequel:
View: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KI9F8Xpxhl4
vikingBerserker
Lieutenant General
wheelsup_cavu
1st Sergeant
Ten Simple Rules for Dating My Daughter
Rule One:
If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.
Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.
Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose his compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.
Rule Four:
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.
Rule Five:
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early."
Rule Six:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.
Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?
Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.
Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.
Rule Ten:
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.
No, I don't have daughter. But it may be useful for the people here that have! And should I, in the future, ever have a daughter of dateable age, I will have it printed in a pretty large size and nailed to the door.
Wheels
Rule One:
If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.
Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.
Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose his compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.
Rule Four:
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.
Rule Five:
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early."
Rule Six:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.
Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?
Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.
Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.
Rule Ten:
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.
No, I don't have daughter. But it may be useful for the people here that have! And should I, in the future, ever have a daughter of dateable age, I will have it printed in a pretty large size and nailed to the door.
Wheels
Ferdinand Foch
Staff Sergeant
I think my grandpa might have used these back when my aunt was a teenager.
vikingBerserker
Lieutenant General
I like it though.
RabidAlien
1st Lieutenant
Having a daughter of my own now....These will be painted across the front of my house, printed and framed on every wall in said house, and staple-gunned to potential suitors' foreheads, lest they forget.
I'm thinking along similar lines....
Aaron Brooks Wolters
Brigadier General
B-17engineer
Colonel
Dunno how funny this is to you but I got it in an email...
How would you pronounce this child's name?
She spells her name "Le-a"
So how would YOU pronounce her name?
Leah? ....................NO.
Lee - A? ................. NOPE.
Lay - a? ............ NOT A CHANCE.
Lei?..........NICE TRY, BUT GUESS AGAIN!
This child attends a school in Livingston Parish, LA.
Her mother is irate because everyone is getting her child's name wrong.
She says it's pronounced "Ledasha."
When the Mother was asked how in the world she figured
it should be pronounced that way, she said,
"cause the dash don't be silent!"
So, if you see a name come across your desk like this,
please remember to pronounce the dash.
And if anyone axes you why, tell them it's 'cause the dash don't be silent!
They live among us, they vote, and they breed.
How would you pronounce this child's name?
She spells her name "Le-a"
So how would YOU pronounce her name?
Leah? ....................NO.
Lee - A? ................. NOPE.
Lay - a? ............ NOT A CHANCE.
Lei?..........NICE TRY, BUT GUESS AGAIN!
This child attends a school in Livingston Parish, LA.
Her mother is irate because everyone is getting her child's name wrong.
She says it's pronounced "Ledasha."
When the Mother was asked how in the world she figured
it should be pronounced that way, she said,
"cause the dash don't be silent!"
So, if you see a name come across your desk like this,
please remember to pronounce the dash.
And if anyone axes you why, tell them it's 'cause the dash don't be silent!
They live among us, they vote, and they breed.
RabidAlien
1st Lieutenant
I've seen that one before.....someone needs to chlorinate the gene-pool, looks like.
RabidAlien
1st Lieutenant
THE OFFICIAL CANADIAN TEMPERATURE CONVERSION CHART
50° Fahrenheit (10° C) • Californians shiver uncontrollably. • Canadians plant gardens.
35° Fahrenheit (1.6° C) • Italian Cars won't start • Canadians drive with the windows down
32° Fahrenheit (0° C) • American water freezes • Canadian water gets thicker.
0° Fahrenheit (-17.9° C) • New York City landlords finally turn on the heat. • Canadians have the last cookout of the season.
-60° Fahrenheit (-51° C) • Santa Claus abandons the North Pole. • Canadian Girl Guides sell cookies door-to-door.
-109.9° Fahrenheit (-78.5° C) • Carbon dioxide freezes makes dry ice. • Canadians pull down their earflaps.
-173° Fahrenheit (-114° C) • Ethyl alcohol freezes. • Canadians get frustrated when they can't thaw the keg
-459.67° Fahrenheit (-273.15° C) • Absolute zero; all atomic motion stops. • Canadians start saying "cold, eh?"
-500° Fahrenheit (-295° C) • Hell freezes over. • The Toronto Maple Leafs win the Stanley Cup
today'sTHOT============================
Lounge Lizard: "Hello, there! Where have you been all my life?"
Young Thing: "For the first half of it, I wasn't born yet."
50° Fahrenheit (10° C) • Californians shiver uncontrollably. • Canadians plant gardens.
35° Fahrenheit (1.6° C) • Italian Cars won't start • Canadians drive with the windows down
32° Fahrenheit (0° C) • American water freezes • Canadian water gets thicker.
0° Fahrenheit (-17.9° C) • New York City landlords finally turn on the heat. • Canadians have the last cookout of the season.
-60° Fahrenheit (-51° C) • Santa Claus abandons the North Pole. • Canadian Girl Guides sell cookies door-to-door.
-109.9° Fahrenheit (-78.5° C) • Carbon dioxide freezes makes dry ice. • Canadians pull down their earflaps.
-173° Fahrenheit (-114° C) • Ethyl alcohol freezes. • Canadians get frustrated when they can't thaw the keg
-459.67° Fahrenheit (-273.15° C) • Absolute zero; all atomic motion stops. • Canadians start saying "cold, eh?"
-500° Fahrenheit (-295° C) • Hell freezes over. • The Toronto Maple Leafs win the Stanley Cup
today'sTHOT============================
Lounge Lizard: "Hello, there! Where have you been all my life?"
Young Thing: "For the first half of it, I wasn't born yet."
Good one RA!
Lucky13
Forum Mascot
For those that didn't know.....
PMS, Punish Men Severely
PMS, Punish Men Severely
B-17engineer
Colonel
LOL
RabidAlien
1st Lieutenant
wheelsup_cavu
1st Sergeant
But us umarried one's might need the warning.
Wheels
Wheels
RabidAlien
1st Lieutenant
After directory assistance gave me my boyfriend's new telephone number, I dialed him -- and got a woman.
"Is Mike there?" I asked.
"He's in the shower," she responded.
"Please tell him his girlfriend called," I said and hung up.
When he didn't return the call, I dialed again. This time a man answered. "This is Mike," he said.
"You're not my boyfriend!" I exclaimed.
"I know," he replied. "That's what I've been trying to tell my wife for the past half-hour."
"Is Mike there?" I asked.
"He's in the shower," she responded.
"Please tell him his girlfriend called," I said and hung up.
When he didn't return the call, I dialed again. This time a man answered. "This is Mike," he said.
"You're not my boyfriend!" I exclaimed.
"I know," he replied. "That's what I've been trying to tell my wife for the past half-hour."
